Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

How dare she not find ‘respecting her body’ top of her to do list during that time ?

But isn't DH talking about now not then? I do understand that agreeing with DH isn't a popular stance to take on MN but if the OP has physically changed a lot, it's not unreasonable if her new shape isn't a preferred shape for DH

@greenspacesoverthere

I was size 10 when I first met my DH; I looked slim and glam in my wedding dress. I look very different now than I do in my wedding photos. I'm sure my DH doesn't fancy me so much now as he did then (he told me that he wasn't attracted to 'big women' when I asked him whether he would like me as much if I was overweight).

But he would never say anything about it. He compliments me when I come back from the hairdressers and when I dress up to go out.

The issue isn't that the OP's DH doesn't fancy the OP as much as he used to; it's the fact that he's being nasty to her about it. Saying that he's lost respect for her, despite all that she's been through and all that she's achieved, is what's wrong here.

Go you scubadive! Nice to hear such a positive outcome after 25 years of putting up with such a vile man.

if the OP has physically changed a lot, it's not unreasonable if her new shape isn't a preferred shape for DH

It's not about her being his "preferred shape" though. It's about his fundamental lack of respect for her. I'm sure many of us would prefer our partners to be our "preferred shape" and ripped with muscles! My husband was much more muscley and had a full head of hair when I met him. I wouldn't turn around and tell him "I don't respect you anymore because you look different to ten years ago". I recognize that the reason for the change in physique is because he's working insane hours, in a stressful job with hours and hours of a commute. Inevitably gym sessions get pushed to the bottom of the pile.

Much like OP who is so busy working, studying and being a no doubt wonderful mother. Not to mention all the medical reasons involved. Her husband is being a cruel, shallow arsehole not to recognize all of this. If he was really concerned about her becoming his "preferred shape" he could encourage her in a supportive way and take their DS to give her time to look after herself - not put her down and show contempt for her in front of her child. If you think his handling of this is a-ok you must be just as shallow and vacuous.

Bodies change, life alters our appearance, some more than others. Anyone who marries on the basis of their spouse looking the same for the next 40/50 years is going to be sorely disappointed!

I am shocked at some of the replies on this thread - people that prize appearance above all else it seems.

Yes a massive effort can be put in to loose weight. But what happens a few years down the line when, for example, a major illness causes weight gain - surgeries, steroids, chronic illness can all cause this as we age. Is it ok for the husband to have the same attitude then?

What happens when the inevitable aging happens? Is it ok for the husband to moan about this as well? Or should the OP have round after round of plastic surgery just for him?

If he's like this now, he will never be able to support her during the inevitable periods of vulnerability life brings (and hasn't already by the sounds of it). Whilst it seems she would do anything to support him.

OP what he said wasn't ok. Think long and hard about your future.

The thing is, I've known people IRL who are very fat-bashery and then gain a load of weight. One of them in particular I remember. He is naturally bean pole thin, used to bellow "absolutely fucking right" when one of those shock journos, Katie Hopkins or someone of her ilk, used to go on about how obese people should be denied healthcare or whatever it was. He is now MASSIVE and completely miserable. I don't suppose he'd be happy if he was denied healthcare though.

I've been everything, from overweight to underweight and everything in between
(obviously). Some people who haven't ever had something interfere with their ability to maintain their fighting weight are just so blind and lacking in empathy. Tbh, those people are pretty pathetic to me, so I don't really care what they think. It's a shame they think that way, but they are the ones who lose out by being sad, small minded bigots. I feel the same about women being disparaging about short men, or rich people being disparaging about the working classes. It is just really sad that they don't realise there but for the grace of god go they. And if it ever does happen to them, I feel especially sorry for them, as they probably feel like absolute shit. Lucky that there are kinder people around to be supportive, even though they didn't earn it when they were banging on about how they would never get fat / be poor etc etc.

Anyway, excuse ramble, but my point is, people can say all this shit when they're a certain weight. But weight is just a snapshot. People lose and gain all the time. How many women do you see on the weight loss boards; "I've ALWAYS been a size 8 my WHOLE life. Now I'm 45 in just can't keep the weight off "? And that isn't a small number of women. It's extremely common. I know people will say "AAAAH IT'S BEEN NORMALISED AND IT'S TERRIBLE". Meh, bigger people have been around forever. BMI hasn't. It is just a system someone came up with.

Obviously there is a bit overweight and morbidly obese. The second is clearly unhealthy. Overweight, there is some debate about. In some studies it's shown to be healthier. Also you see women in the public eye all the time of who are underweight which is also unhealthy, but I would wager people don't claim to lose respect for them, as if that is an acceptable way to think. It's mainly seen as an acceptable thing to say, only about overweight women ime. Morbidly obese women, I don't think people would actually talk that way about, as it becomes a medical issue then. It's all very strange. I see some things on insta linking it to institutional racism and misogyny. Makes sense really.

Lol @ him saying you're gonna die early at 13 stone Sounds like you're doing an amazing job managing everything you have done. Can't imagine what it's like going through the menopause at such a young age, not only dealing with the physical aftermath but the emotional side too of infertility Massive hugs to you. Look after yourself, not for your wanker of a husband, do it for you and your son, there's more to health than being thin. Book a haircut, buy some new clothes in the size you are now, show off your body for what it is and what's it done, but do it all for you not him

I see threads on here where men have put on weight. There's a very different response , then. I don't know why men aren't allowed to say what they feel. DH has lost respect for the OP. He's saying how he feels. Apparently on MN it's ok for women to say how they feel but not men.

I guess what he's saying isn't very pleasant but isn't it better for the OP to know?

That is like a Trump supporter saying they dislike all black people greenspacesoverthere. It may well be how they feel, but it's also extremely racist.

She is the same person, who is pretty much financially supporting him. Her body is a bit larger than when they got married, is all. If his respect hangs by such a thin thread, there wasn't a lot to start with.

@greenspacesoverthere

I see threads on here where men have put on weight. There's a very different response , then. I don't know why men aren't allowed to say what they feel. DH has lost respect for the OP. He's saying how he feels. Apparently on MN it's ok for women to say how they feel but not men.

I guess what he's saying isn't very pleasant but isn't it better for the OP to know?

No...those threads are usually about men who’ve stopped giving a shit, don’t shower, don’t brush their teeth, live and behave like slobs, and part of that overall picture is that they also don’t look after themselves. Big difference.

Or the woman is concerned about their health and genuinely worried for them, which is fine, and would also be fine if it was a man being genuinely concerned for his wife or partner.

Or in some cases they no longer fancy them, which tbh is also fine, if a bit of a shame in many cases - people shouldn’t try to force themselves to fancy someone if they really don’t. And that would also be fine, if a bit of a shame, if it was a man who no longer found his wife or partner attractive. It happens. But you can still be kind about it, and respectful of the other person. You would be decent about it if you were a decent person.

What’s not okay is to make respect for a person’s character/integrity/the whole of their personhood/etc conditional on level of physical of size, fitness or attractiveness only. Absolutely not. Being bigger/smaller/medium sized/very big does not determine the individual’s worth.

OP, you've said your DS adores the ground your DH walks on. Are you going to be OK with your DS treating his future partners the same way, since that's the behaviour being modelled by an adored role model?

"today I think maybe I'm not so bad and he's being pretty harsh"
^^^
This exactly. You are no worse than anyone else would be in your position.

Next time take the line
'how dare you speak to me like that. You are the one who doesn't have respect. I am your wife. I can see and hear that you are angry and resentful, but let's be blunt here, the size of my fucking spare tyre is not the cause of your unhappiness and I think you know that'.
Suggest to him that you think he could be depressed and should he see the GP about how he's feeling. Put it back to him every time. These are HIS feelings and his feelings are his responsibility, not yours.

The thing is, we all change as we age. How is he going to sustain an adult, long term relationship if he is unable to tolerate change?