Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

I feel like my current weight devalues me in his eyes

Are you a number on the scales or a person? I feel livid on your behalf.

I would not try and save this. Begin your own project, listen to and read Nathaniel Brandon's six pillars of self esteem and do the exercises.

He is an unsupportive husband. He is shallow. Therefore he is not right for you. You deserve a supportive partner who SEES you.

Yeh yeh yeh, lose weight if you CAN, but being a mother and a student is not easy so I can see how you have compartmentalised weight as an issue that can be dealt with later. sometimes I put on a few pounds when I have other deadlines and i need takeaways and wine! This is life.

Do not internalise this. You are valuing yourself as ''less than'' right now. You're not. He is ''less than'' you deserve. Unsupportive, critical. CRUEL! (telling you he cannot respect you !!??!). That is the end really. If a 'partner' tells you that they cannot respect you, have the self-confidence to walk away from that dynamic.

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

And I bet he gave you zero support or kindness through this. I bet you were in fact trying to minimise the impact on his life during this really tough time.

I'm 50 and staring down the barrel of menopause was / is very thought provoking, but i was ready for it, and it was and is natural.

I'm furious on your behalf that he sitting there, criticising you, being unsupportive and telling you he cannot respect you!?!?

How could you respect anybody so unsupportive, selfish and critical?

I think this is horrible. Really nasty. Yes respect is earned. And you're doing so much for him and your family after a load of health issues, why is that not worthy of respect? If he is genuinely worried about your health (and 2/3 stone isn't impossible to lose or the end of the world, its not like you're too big to exercise or wear standard clothes for gods sake) then why not offer to support you in changing? Making out he is tolerating you, not being interested in what you have to say and worst in my opinion undermining you in front of your child and effectively teaching them that you are not worthy of respect - how does he think all this will make you feel and what does he think it will achieve other than making you feel awful. How can you love someone who treats you so badly and only cares about your physical appearance? Most people who have almost lost someone appreciate them more, not less due to ongoing medical issues.

I think you need to say to him yes there do need to be some changes thanks for pointing it out, do less for him and make more time for yourself. Whether that's counselling (which I think might be useful to see why you're putting up with this and to help build your confidence), hobbies, seeing friends when Corona permits etc I think you need some time for you where you're not giving to everyone else.

I am sorry but I am not sure your relationship will ever be quite the same again. You will lose the weight and when you do, if he is nice to you (I suspect there will be another reason for him to be off with you for example you get a better job and he complains how hard you're working etc) then you will always know he is just acting that way because you're skinny and if you ever develop health problems eg need steroids in the future for a condition or have hair loss because of any treatment, it will always be in the back of your mind that hes not going to be there for you and it will happen again. I also suspect when you've finished studying and corona is over and everything is generally a bit quieter and less stressful that you will realise you don't need him and his negative attitude in your life bringing you down

@FootballFacedOrang Your username is sad reading your posts.
You need to change it to something fabulous.
wouldn't it be fun to watch @KnitFastDieWarm bench press your DH.

I wish he was more emotionally driven and empathic. But he isn't, and I respect the fact that his priorities are different to mine. I wish it worked both ways

Hi @FootballFacedOrang , these words of yours really jumped out at me.
I wonder whether this is the real issue, rather than how much anyone weighs?

Assuming he is NT

This could mean that

he's always behaved like this and you've excused because you don't want to risk upsetting him.

He's always behaved like this but you thought one day you he would magically change.

A whole number of other options.

Above all I think this is about how he actually feels about you earning more than him, you 'bettering' yourself and how that feels to him. Maybe all of that feels like criticism to him? And the way he makes himself feel better is by picking on a perceived 'flaw' of yours?

Be completely honest with yourself - if you woke up tomorrow at the size you were when you met would he be completely happy, or find something else to criticise?

If he would be happy then he really is that shallow (and I would be pointing his sorry arse to the exit). If he would still criticise you know he actually dislikes you for you (and he'd be leaving even quicker if he was mine).

You need to recognise that he is plain abusive. You need to recognise that putting you down in front of your 5 year-old is abusive; that doing nothing at home whilst you do everything is abusive; that making you feel shit about yourself after a life-threatening situation is abusive; that not recognising your bloody amazing achievements is abusive.

He is a jealous, resentful, unloving, abusive prick.

Move back to where your friends and family are and you will suddenly remember what it feels like to stand out from the crowd and be lauded.

Op this is emotional domestic abuse.

Is he really worthy of your love?

I find it sad that respect, especially within a marriage, can be lost or earned for that matter based on something so transient as how we look. People change. They get bigger, they get smaller, they age, they go through life changing events that leave them with different bodies to what they had before. Life happens. There is no guarantee that our looks and our bodies are going to stay the same. Pretty much the opposite in fact.

You've been through a lot OP, if you want
To make changes do it for you, not for a DH who would say such hurtful things to the mother of his children who has been though so much.

I am big. Twice the size of you as it goes and my husband is very fit with an active, labour intensive job. He has always been very slim. He would never dream of putting me down about my weight, I wasn't small when we met and I'm definitely bigger now. He supports me in my efforts to lose weight, which I know I need to do but he has never and would never make hurtful comments about my size. This body has given him 2 children and bears the scars of that, when I don't like it all that much he champions it. He'd love it whatever shape or size it came in.

I would be having very serious thoughts about where my relationship was going if I were you.

Just to answer some questions:

Yes, he did say those things. He also said I was selfish for not putting my health first. Possibly true. I was putting parenting and earning a decent living first, maybe I've got the priorities wrong.

Yes, I did go through menopause. It's not something you tend to not know about yourself.

Reading through these has made me realise something. He wasn't very supportive when I was ill. He found it hard and scary, he withdrew, and he was quite a harsh critic (I remember going for walks and up hills and finding it incredibly hard, and him being quite unsympathetic, and me feeling like a failure. Looking back, I was just recovering from a huge operation). I felt lonely, and sad, and angry, and food has replaced kindness (from him or myself).

So, for myself I need better ways to be kind to me. And I need a serious look at our relationship. If we're coming back from this he has some work to do too.

What a horrible thing to hear, OP. And the verification that the hostile way he's been treating you is because of your weight. That's never okay - treating you as if you're someone to be tolerated. Your weight is just one facet of you and you are juggling many, MANY balls. I know since I had DS finding the space and mental capacity to focus on myself is hard. Some days I manage it and some days I don't. I agree that maybe couples counselling is a good idea to untangle this and help him see how this feels from your perspective.

On a practical level, your H should step up with DS and household stuff to give you the time and energy to exercise. Ironically he may find that you lose respect for him after his attitude with this. It's a far more complex situation than you 'not looking after yourself' when you have and had so much going on.

I have lost some respect for him sadly.

The mistake you made was thinking he values your domestic labour. Actually he would be happy with a messy house, feral child, takeaway every night, so long as his wife is thin

If I was a man and my wife had nearly died and had life changing surgery as a consequence of carrying our child I think I would respect her more.

I hope if you lose weight you do it for you and dc.
Also be confident. Even if you have to fake it around dh, there's nothing more attractive than confidence.
I have a df who is probably your height and weight. She's bubbly, confident and a beautiful person and her weight is the last thing anyone notices.

@FootballFacedOrang

I have lost some respect for him sadly.

That must feel sad and strange for you, but it's a healthy response to what he's said and how he has behaved over a long period of time. He doesn't sound like he will get that or understand it which is what counselling might help.

Just think...if you shed him, you've instantly shed 10 stone of unempathetic judgy manchild. Now that's weight loss success!

OP if you were my daughter I'd be waffling on about how great you were on social media all week. 87%? Amazing. Go you. With childcaring responsibilities to boot.

I am not surprised he was unsupportive when you were ill. It sounds like he is terrified of ill health and sees it as a failing or weakness. I suspect this is why he also equates thinness with healthiness (which isn't always the case).

If he had approached this from a place of love and concern, he might genuinely have had a fair point to make.

As it is, he has mistreated you for some time and, when pressed, revealed disrespect and contempt.

Do not 'love the bones' of him because he does not feel the same way, and this will be very hard to come back from. Respect should not be conditional on appearance or physical attributes. I would struggle to respect him now, for being cruel and putting his wife and marriage under such strain.

Will you be able to come back from this? If you spend the next six month getting to a fit size 10, will he love and respect you again? Will you still want him, knowing how shallow he is, how he will withdraw affection again if you gain weight?

I dunno hun l'm just under 13st 5ft 4 and l am overweight and working on it but l ain't fat. You are taller than me. Do you think you are fat? Or has he got into your psyche?

Because if feel down about it, you aren't in a good place to motivate yourself to move on, if that is what YOU want. I wouldn't be bothering my arse to change for someone who has no respect for me because of my body size.

Just read the latest update, l agree you can lose some instant weight here. He sounds like someone you would do much better without.

He does see illness as weakness. He's so rarely I'll, but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in. It runs in his family. Physical fitness and stiff upper lip are highly prized.

And with that you have going on, how does he help give you the time and space to do some exercise? Does he help around the house so you have less to do to free up some time? Does he then look after your son son you can be free to do something? Or are you expected to carve this time out for yourself at no inconvenience to him?

You have had a tough time with your health. Your DH wasn’t there for you and isn’t supporting you now. You have sacrificed a lot for him and I think it’s affecting your mental health as you don’t have support you need. Perhaps you should go to your families for a while and reflect on your life and what you want.

I too would loose respect for someone who can not see what a hard time you have been through.

I’m sure if you really sit down and evaluate your relationship you will find other things that he does that show little respect for you I’m sorry to say.

If he shows such little respect for you as his wife and mother of his child then he must very disrespectful to others that he meets that don’t fit his ‘criteria’....I could not be with a man like that.

Good luck @FootballFacedOrang

@FootballFacedOrang

He does see illness as weakness. He's so rarely I'll, but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in. It runs in his family. Physical fitness and stiff upper lip are highly prized.

He sounds like a total douche.