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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too fat for my husband to respect me

263 replies

FootballFacedOrang · 28/11/2020 22:44

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

OP posts:
Twillow · 28/11/2020 23:37

Change your user name THIS MINUTE! It sounds as if you don't have respect for yourself? Congrats on that score!

grassisjeweled · 28/11/2020 23:38

I have made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship

^

But that's not an excuse for eating shit food is it?

I get that you have made sacrifices but if that also means you are driven to eat badly, maybe stop sacrificing so much? Focus on you instead?

Original poster
FootballFacedOrang · 28/11/2020 23:38

Good point. It's what my older sisters boyfriend called me when I was twelve!

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 28/11/2020 23:40

When next you talk, ask him to recall the promises he made you at your wedding, and consider whether he's keeping them. Did he add a rider about all of them being conditional on you remaining slim and fit? Would you have stayed and said 'I do' if he had?!

Original poster
FootballFacedOrang · 28/11/2020 23:41

I cook and eat very good food. I just eat too much of it. Today we had poached aggressive and avocado on toast, homemade veg soup, and roasted aubergine, tofu, broccoli and cauli rice. I had some almonds and some grapes between meals. We went for a walk.

OP posts:
Duemarch2021 · 28/11/2020 23:44

Omg this is so bad.. not that this really should matter but ...you are not even fat at 13 stone 5 ft 6... my guess is that hes jealous of your success and feels lesser than you....so feels the need to put you down by mentioning your weight gain... could be wrong though, he genuinely might have gone off you but that's not genuine love... you should love and admire your partner no matter what their weight... if hes genuinly concerned about your weight he should have mentioned it in a caring way like suggesting walks or a healthy diet together

Newuser991 · 28/11/2020 23:46

Sorry op was is just a hysterectomy?

Unless they took your ovaries out too then you haven't gone through menopause. Apologies if they did.

Love the bones of him ... what does that even mean

Merryoldgoat · 28/11/2020 23:47

I’m very fat. Your weight would be a kind of miracle transformation for me.

My husband undoubtedly would like me to lose weight for my health, and probably my looks too (although he’d never say it).

I am worthy of respect and am a person of value whether I’m 10 stone or 20.

Know your worth and don’t let anyone diminish you.

White how you can ‘love the bones’ of someone so awful to you is beyond me.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 28/11/2020 23:50

Hi OP,

I am the same weight and height as you, my DH has seen me much slimmer and 3 stone heavier and has never said anything like that or made me feel as low as your DH has. My weight has been up and down all throughout our time together over 20 years. My DH is not physically perfect either by the way and I would never bring up things that would upset him in such a way.

I can understand your DH might not like the extra weight but the fact he doesn’t respect you because of it is appalling after everything you have been through. I would say you have got through an incredibly tough 5 years and that deserves the utmost respect.

What exactly does he do to support you in life at all, let alone to give you some time to yourself? So that if you wanted to you could take up a hobby, do some more exercise or whatever you choose to do for yourself? Why does everything seem to fall to you?

You need to tell him how much his words have hurt you and that things need to change, you need some equality in your marriage. Also remind him he isn’t perfect but you love him anyway.

Lockheart · 28/11/2020 23:51

@Duemarch2021

Omg this is so bad.. not that this really should matter but ...you are not even fat at 13 stone 5 ft 6... my guess is that hes jealous of your success and feels lesser than you....so feels the need to put you down by mentioning your weight gain... could be wrong though, he genuinely might have gone off you but that's not genuine love... you should love and admire your partner no matter what their weight... if hes genuinly concerned about your weight he should have mentioned it in a caring way like suggesting walks or a healthy diet together
13 stone at 5'6" is just shy of obese, per the NHS calculator.
Luciferthecat666 · 28/11/2020 23:56

ShockShock Your husband sounds like an insensitive prick! I hope he's Mr Perfect himself before getting on his high horse over your imperfections. From the sounds of things you're doing far more work than he does and he has the bloody cheek to complain about your weight, tell him to piss off if he doesn't like it.

CustardySergeant · 28/11/2020 23:59

"Today we had poached aggressive"

Was that meant to be asparagus?

Comtesse · 29/11/2020 00:00

Over weight, under weight, whatever - you are worthy of respect at any weight surely? I get physical attraction can vary according to big weight changes - but respect? That seems ridiculous - When you are busting your ass working/ studying / parenting - seems SO unkind. I would feel so disappointed by this, really really fed up.

FAQs · 29/11/2020 00:01

I’m 5’6” and nearly 13 stone and I’m overweight, but it’s hard to lose weight especially currently and that’s not even taking into account what you have been through, it’s awful he isn’t more understanding and actually to say no respect it’s just bloody terrible. Have you told him how he has made you feel?

Northofsomewhere · 29/11/2020 00:06

Have you told him that in fact you do have self respect but that your weight hasn't been your priority for the last few years and that in fact it probably won't be for a while because you have to prioritise other things. Make a list if needed, you've provided the start of one here, I imagine you are juggling many more balls than he his. I just don't think I could be with someone who doesn't respect me and especially because of some trivial reason like I'm heavier. Respect should have nothing to do with appearance (unless you're hiding some far right tattoos or something), respect means more than that, it's as though you aren't allowed to control your own body because he thinks you're carrying too much weight so should make it a priority because be wants you too. I've never asked this before but is he controlling in other ways? Does he try to manage what or how much you eat or comment on it regularly? I just think it's just a crappy thing to say to someone you love, that you've lost respect for them because you think they've lost respect for themselves (he's also putting words in your mouth), you might feel ok about the weight you're at which it sounds like you are. I'd be really angry if someone said they didn't respect me because of my weight.

DrEllie · 29/11/2020 00:08

You sound incredible. He should be your cheerleader not your critic. I agree with others he is challenged by your studies. I am a uni lecturer and so many women mature students find their husbands hate their achievements and growing self-esteem and independence

PickAChew · 29/11/2020 00:13

How can you have respect for such an arsewipe?

DishingOutDone · 29/11/2020 00:13

I'd give him bloody poached aggressive where the sun don't shine. What a twat.

theonlywayisup33 · 29/11/2020 00:18

@Ohalrightthen How can you possibly know all the reasons why somebody puts on weight? It is a complex issue.
How unkind of you to lose respect for people because they 'have lost respect for themselves.'
People need to be respected because they are people, human beings. Not to do with their weight or for example if they smoke or not.

Milkshake7489 · 29/11/2020 00:20

OP you would be worthy of respect at any weight. Do not let this bullying arsehole get away with treating you like crap.

You're worth so much more than someone who treats you with disdain and ignores your achievements Flowers

Hailtomyteeth · 29/11/2020 00:24

You sound lovely, and you've been through so much. He is a poor excuse for a human being. I hope you have rl support - consider counselling. Strengthen your inner self. I think you are waking up to how shallow and superficial he is.

ZoeTurtle · 29/11/2020 00:27

It's dressed up as concern for my health, but if I was thin and equally un/healthy I suspect it wouldn't be an issue.

Yep. People always pretend it's "concern for health" but it isn't - it's prejudice and shallowness.

Lilac95 · 29/11/2020 00:41

Wow what an arse? You’re BMI is classes as overweight by the NHS however it’s all subjective. I work with life insurance and you BMI would be classed as being healthy range and no additional risk to your health. Perhaps you would like to slim down a little but that’s your choice and as you said you have additional circumstances, he’s being very unfair. I’ve been 8 sizes smaller and 6 stone lighter compared to know and my partner loves me the same, doesn’t mention my size at all. He’s needs to give himself a wobble

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2020 00:48

@FootballFacedOrang

He's a landscape gardener so he does lots of physical work for his job. He's not perfect but he's very fit (and will always be perfect to me, because I love the bones of him).
Why? And how? How can you feel like that for someone who treats you badly?
EmeraldShamrock · 29/11/2020 00:59

That is horrible I'd be really hurt.

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