Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

*but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in"
Nope
Being ill in holiday and at Christmas gives an excuse not to help or have to do that pesky emotional involvement with your family called "spending time with them".

He doesn't see illness as weakness, he just doesn't have the emotional maturity to support someone who is ill or to deal with the world not happening the way he expects it to.

Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I would have zero respect for a man who dumped all his chores and childcare on his partner.

You earn as much as he does. That means you get to treat your study time as a job. And that means he needs to do his 50% of the chores and childcare.

He also said I was selfish for not putting my health first. Possibly true. I was putting parenting and earning a decent living first, maybe I've got the priorities wrong.

Tell him you've had a really long, hard think. That you're making space in your life for yourself (whether that's exercise or just 'me time') by no longer taking over his share of the chores. So from now on all the shopping and cooking for the family (or whatever chores you choose) are his jobs.

He sounds like a complete prick, OP. Really. I have lots of respect for you and everything you are doing for your family but none at all for your selfish, unpleasant husband.

He sounds like my exh, I did start taking care of myself, the first thing I did was kick him out, then I started exercising, mainly to improve my mental health but in turn I lost weight, I joined the gym, walked every day and I gained a load of confidence. I don’t think I could have done any of it without taking the first step (kicking him out). I had no motivation when he was here, he made me feel worthless and ugly.

You have been through a lot, coping with a hysterectomy and menopause as well as having a child, it sounds like he gave you little support whilst going through this so it’s understandable that it’s knocked your self esteem and your weight. You are not huge, 13st for your height is not that big, your dh is being a prick.

He wasn't very supportive when I was ill. He found it hard and scary, he withdrew, and he was quite a harsh critic (I remember going for walks and up hills and finding it incredibly hard, and him being quite unsympathetic, and me feeling like a failure
And yet it's him who was the failure. He failed to be kind and supportive when you were ill as he should have been as your dh. It's sad to read about such treatment

@FootballFacedOrang

He does see illness as weakness. He's so rarely I'll, but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in. It runs in his family. Physical fitness and stiff upper lip are highly prized.

So he missed the 'in sickness and in health' bit of the marriage vows.

He's allowing you to run yourself into the ground mentally and physically looking after your child and home, studying and putting food in the table while he believes he has the moral high ground because he has a poorly paid physical job. And then he checks out on holiday so you don't ever get a break.

He is a horrible man OP, I'm really sorry.

You are not that big and you are still recovering. Men do tend to focus on appearance but maybe even if you were very thin he would have something to say about that? It is contempt.

Eurgh can't believe there is a poster questioning if OP really went through what she did. I'm sure she knows her medical history better than you @Newuser991

You really do sound lovely OP. What he has said to you is disgusting. You are not less worthy of respect because of your weight. What kind of husband is he?!

I'm livid on your behalf.

I can't stand people who judge others based on their weight. It's so incredibly shallow.
You sound lovely OP

as they say - you can loose weight he will always be a (appropriate mumsnet insult!)!
I suspect he is jealous of your work success

I would be furious with that comment. When he is no doubt deriving a lot of strength and fitness as a passive by product of his job, it's rich of him to expect you to be doing everything you are and still dedicate hours per day to exercise.

I'm a similar height and weight to you after children OP and being shut in the house with young children is limiting. Like you, I'm sure I could more and luckily for me I'm returning to work this week which will provide more structure and time away from the children.

Maybe he should take full charge of the meal plan, shopping and cooking for the family since he is obviously so much more health conscious than you.

Honestly he sounds like a poor excuse for a father and husband and karma may well haunt him should he have an injury or illness that stops him from doing his physical job and/or working out, but likely he will become bitter and twisted about it and find a way to blame you for it - and therein lies your problem. No matter what you do or how you change he will find something to disrespect you for and he is unlikely to support you with trying to make any changes because that would mean more work for him. If you decide you want to stay with him please start to make changes that work for you like him picking up more house or child care so that you can focus on yourself and what you want to do. If he refuses to do that sadly I think you have your answer about how things will be no matter how you change. I agree with others who have suggested counselling or therapy as well you have been through a lot of trauma and should be getting support with that

I wonder if he is a teensy bit jealous of your Academic success and future job plans ? Being a Landscape Gardener is a reasonable job but not quite needing a degree! In any case he should not be dismissing you like this .

OP,

He sounds like a really horrible man.

You deserve better than him.

How can YOU have any respect for such a thoughtless man, who treats you so poorly.

Finish your studies, make plans and lose the weight of HIM.

Op you are too good for him. You have gone through a lot and soldiered on. He has not appreciated it. You are kind and he is not.

A lot of mention of respect. Just because he feels you have gained some weight, he no longer respects you. But how can you respect an unkind, unsupportive, selfish man? He should value you.

FWIW, my dd's DH tends to value appearance a lot and I was worried when she recently had a baby. She had a difficult birth with emergency c section. He actually rang us and praised what a great girl she was how she was so brave and strong. It is so clear he values her as a person and is proud of her. You find out who a person is when you have a crisis, health or otherwise. I am sorry you have been disappointed.

@dottiedodah

I wonder if he is a teensy bit jealous of your Academic success and future job plans ? Being a Landscape Gardener is a reasonable job but not quite needing a degree! In any case he should not be dismissing you like this .

This. Got to knock the intelligent, hardworking and ambitious woman back down in case she realises she could do far, far, better than him.

You sound incredible. He should be your cheerleader not your critic. I agree with others he is challenged by your studies. I am a uni lecturer and so many women mature students find their husbands hate their achievements and growing self-esteem and independence

I agree with this poster. I've seen it before. Seemingly ok men who actually feel very threatened by their wives doing a degree, a Masters, I know of one who actually asked his wife not to do her PhD as she wouldn't be around as much for the kids and he liked her being home all the time to support them all. Effectively you as a person don't actually matter, you're just there to serve them.

You are doing a great job- you've had an early menopause which is a HUGE deal in terms of making it hard to lose weight, it bloody clings on after the menopause, on top of that you've studied, you've kept the household running and you've parented. You are ace. He isn't that ace and I suspect quite worried that you might realise you haven't got a good deal with him- he's not a high earner and in the future his physical job might be hard to continue.

It's appalling to crush someone else like that. I have weighed less and more and the one thing that was consistent through all that was my husband's love and encouragement to go for promotion, my dreams, whatever. Having someone basically despising some part of you isn't a way to live.

One day he might have an accident, god forbid, and he won't be able to work, he'll get very fat indeed. Are you going to tell him he's essentially worthless? Would he be worthless to you?

Much to think about in your marriage, but you are in quite a dangerous place if you continue to adore him when he clearly doesn't adore you in the same way. Sorry OP.

Reading through these has made me realise something. He wasn't very supportive when I was ill. He found it hard and scary, he withdrew, and he was quite a harsh critic (I remember going for walks and up hills and finding it incredibly hard, and him being quite unsympathetic, and me feeling like a failure. Looking back, I was just recovering from a huge operation). I felt lonely, and sad, and angry, and food has replaced kindness (from him or myself)

This made me feel really sad for you op reading this ^. Not at all in a pitying way (although it sounds really awful for you) but in a "isn't he a stupid knob and can't see the riches at his feet" way. . As I say, what a knob...

On the positive side, it's great this thread has been helpful and that you won't accept that comment - or his attitude - lying down. Seriously, you don't want your son taking any of that in.

@FootballFacedOrang

Just to answer some questions:

Yes, he did say those things. He also said I was selfish for not putting my health first. Possibly true. I was putting parenting and earning a decent living first, maybe I've got the priorities wrong.

Yes, I did go through menopause. It's not something you tend to not know about yourself.

Reading through these has made me realise something. He wasn't very supportive when I was ill. He found it hard and scary, he withdrew, and he was quite a harsh critic (I remember going for walks and up hills and finding it incredibly hard, and him being quite unsympathetic, and me feeling like a failure. Looking back, I was just recovering from a huge operation). I felt lonely, and sad, and angry, and food has replaced kindness (from him or myself).

So, for myself I need better ways to be kind to me. And I need a serious look at our relationship. If we're coming back from this he has some work to do too.

So, for myself I need better ways to be kind to me. And I need a serious look at our relationship. If we're coming back from this he has some a lot of work to do too.

There, fixed that for you.

Good luck OP, I think you've got a tricky road ahead. But the first question I'd ask myself is, What about him is loveable.?
I know we're only getting the highlights here, but so far he's not sounding promising.

@FootballFacedOrang

He does see illness as weakness. He's so rarely I'll, but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in. It runs in his family. Physical fitness and stiff upper lip are highly prized.

Or that gives him a chance to opt out of family stuff!

Cynic? Moi?

@Heartofglass12345

This is awful im very obese but i really struggle with food, ive weighed roughly 7 stone less than i do now and my husband treats me no differently. Why should he respect you less just because you're struggling with weight?

Yes, this.

I’m 5’7” and was over 21st when I first met my husband, around 18 when we started going out, over 19 when we married, have been as high as 22 and as low as 14. He only ever comments on my weight if I actually ask him, and he does it in a factual, non-emotional way.

I suffer from binge eating disorder, hence the yo-yo’s. I’ve spent years trying to lose weight, and only latterly realised that that is exactly the wrong strategy when you have BED.

So now I am focussing on healing my BED using the Intuitive Eating principles. My weight will eventually stabilise somewhere, probably nearer 14st than 22, maybe even lower, you never know. But I don’t expect I will ever be slim.

Fortunately, however, my husband respects me as a person, whatever the size of the packaging.

Just read your most recent post. He is ill at Christmas and holidays????? You need to think hard about that. No one is ill regularly but just at Christmas and holidays. As poppingnot stopping says, tell him what he would think if he had an accident or was injured etc and gained weight or looked less attractive- what would he think if you said that to him? He needs to be told very firmly that weight gain after what you’ve been through is normal and he’s not exactly enabling you to find the time to exercise. I’m finding it difficult to see what is attractive about him. Marriage is supposed to be about mutual support not unkind judgement.

@FootballFacedOrang

He does see illness as weakness. He's so rarely I'll, but almost exclusively IS ill on holidays or at Christmas. He holds it all in. It runs in his family. Physical fitness and stiff upper lip are highly prized.

Hmmm. Sounds rather convenient for him, sitting on the sofa ill whilst you rush around sorting everything, I bet.

Weight is such a difficult topic, his attitude stinks but it is the same attitude that leads girls to be anorexic and self harm.

We grow up being told thin = good and fat = bad whether it’s through representations of models in vogue or the Disney Ursula from Ariel.

It’s extremely difficult to avoid overt messaging about thin being better; more successful; more attractive. We internalise that and it becomes our truth.

When you combine that with someone who sounds like they have “good” genes (slim) family and a physical job so is unlikely I have to worry too much about their weight it is easy to see how assumptions are round laziness are formed.

You need to tell him how hurtful his comments are, his response will tell you whether this relationship is worth continuing.

No one is ill regularly but just at Christmas and holidays

I always thought this was commonplace. I only ever get sick on holiday and Christmas, my dad is the same. I have a fairly stressful job and I assumed the adrenaline kept me going. The minute I take my foot off the pedal then sore throat, ear ache and a cold come my way.