To point it out EVERYTIME DP does this?

[FTEngineerM]

Not sure what the technical term is for this so bear with me..

My DP frequently implies what he wants rather than just says it, and it’s one of the most frustrating things he does. I realise lockdown and a new baby have probably amplified this so taking this lightheartedly at present and giving examples of when DM has done it also but curious what it’s called and do others do it?

Example
DP (changing DCs nappy): ooh his bum looks a bit red.

Me: oh no make sure you put some sudocream on it

DP( acting like he’s already asked): well.. yeah.. will you get it for me then?

My problem is he thinks he’s asking me to get the cream by just saying baby’s bum is sore. But.. he’s not. Is he?

Example
DM (whilst I’m hovering): oh so you don’t use the little nozzle and go around the edges.

Me: don’t I?

DM: well I’m asking you..

Me (not actually finished hoovering yet, nozzle is the ending): no you didn’t.

Argh it drives me nuts, why don’t people tend to actually ask what they mean.

Yes, I've come across that technique before. Carry on doing what you did in your second example - make him say what he actually means.

I guess it depends on the individual situation, and maybe it's annoying if it seems to happen all the time, but with the sudocream example, I'd probably feel like your partner does. He's mentioned the redness, and it's obvious that he'll need to apply some ointment, so why does he need to specifically ask? It can be frustrating when you feel you're having to spell out the obvious. ...Unless you feel that he's expecting you to help when you'd just do it/fetch it yourself, in which case I guess he could just be informing you of the situation. I'd probably still expect you to get the sudocream without being asked. It's implied that the cream is needed, so...?

It's called being raised in an environment where if you ask a direct question you might get told off or shouted at, I suspect. I have a tendency to do that and the reason is that my dad was quite unpredictable so I trod very carefully. I'm not saying you're like that, OP, it's just that most people learn to behave through watching and reacting to their parents. I agree it's annoying and I have been working to train myself out of it because actually it's a really inefficient way of communicating and doesn't make anyone happy.

Some people do it to be awkward, but others manage to entirely understand how conversations work.

Your example with DH and the nappy change you're just being unreasonable. Why wouldn't the partner not changing the baby go and get the cream for the person who is clearly mid nappy change? I'd find it a bit odd if DH stood there like a lemon when he sees I've just used the last wipe and I've said 'bloody great time for a giant mess'.

Your second example I'd ignore because that's unwanted advice by the back door.

And with the example with your mother, I'd probably just answer her first question with, "Yes, I do it at the end."

My husband is terrible for this. I find myself really on edge trying to guess what he wants all the time. Put a stop to that and actively ignore that I've guessed what he wants if he doesn't ask for it. It feels like he's dumping even that mental load on me.
I just have to keep saying "if you want something you need to ask me" he's getting better.

I think both of those are fine, to be honest - the second is conversational (albeit a bit dull!) and the first one is obvious. I don’t think they need to be any more direct.

I know what you mean. Sometime my partner says "hmm we've run out of yoghurt" and what he means is "can you buy me some yoghurt?" It drives me mad. Don't assume I'm going to do something for you just because you've said you want it!

The solution is to be very blunt about it. Say to your partner, if you want something please ask me explicitly. I'm not psychic. And it's too much to expect me to intuit what you want and cater invisibly to your every need.

My husband does this constantly. Incredibly frustrating. I'm very direct and can't understand why he skirts around things. Source of many arguments.

Haha! I don’t stand there like a lemon, thank you, that cheered me up. We have an open plan house so if I hear DP saying that whilst Im potching in the kitchen I’m not going to drop everything and run without an actual request.

I suppose for the cream example why not ‘ bring me the cream please’ it’s snappy and direct.

I give my kids shit for this kind of behaviour, they are 7 and 9. Plenty old enough to say what they mean. Yanbu.

@Doughnut100 exactly like that, seems it happens more than I thought. We have those foody type conversations too

I hear you OP..... I hate that hinting rather than asking outright. Drives me mad.

It reminds me a bit of one of techniques is "How to Talk So Kids Listen." That book suggests that if you want your child to do something, instead of directly asking, you should point out what needs doing. You don't say, "please walk the dog", or "please put the milk back in the fridge." You say "the dog looks bored and restless" or "milk goes off if it is not in the fridge".

It seemed a bit passive aggressive to me. However, the very fact that I read the book tells you that I have not come up with a better way.

Dh used to do this, I’ve trained him out of it. I like direct requests and statements but he used to pussyfoot around. He actually thought it was the more polite way of doing it.

It took a few years but now if he wants me to do something for him he actually asks.

Oh, you’re not in the room? Okay the cream thing would irritate me then. If you were there next to him, I’d pass him the cream and we’d chat about the redness.. if he’s summoning you from elsewhere, he needs to at least ask!

I don't stand for this kind of thing, with my ex he started like this and after a few years it became a walking on eggshells situation, where his hinting and implying got more and more subtle, and his sulks at me not "catching on" became more abusive and isolating.

It is a control tactic that subtly trains others to read between the lines. It puts others on edge over time.

Yanbu OP. I usually reply to these types of statements-that-are-secretly-questions with "Are you asking me a question?"

Same as if my DS announces "I'm hungry!" OK well are you asking me to assist you with that? Or will I let you go around announcing facts at people and expecting them to dance attendance on you? Etc. It is a rude, self centered and manipulative way of communicating.

Just agree with him

'The baby's bum is red'
'Yes the baby's bum is red'

'You don't use the nozzle on the vacuum'
'No I don't use the nozzle on the vacuum'

That way he has to 'ask' 'can you pass the sudacrem'

No @HopeAndDriftWood not in the room, if I was next to them I’d probably have noticed and just got it without anyone saying anything.

What an insight thank you for sharing @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC sorry to hear you went through that.

Glad I’m not alone here.

My children used to do this.

So they would say, I am thirsty. I would respond, that is a statement. They would then say please may I have a drink?

When they got slightly older if they said I am hungry, I would say the sky is grey today. Again, another statement.

Point out that your husband is not asking questions but giving statements.

I agree with OP. It's annoying and you end up second guessing.

DM does it, and I've got so used to the second guessing that sometimes comments seem insulting (e.g. 'Those shoes look comfortable' sound like 'I can't imagine you'd wear those shoes for how they look').

It all seems a bit petty to me. It’s like when I asked someone “can you help me?” And they responded “I can but the real question is will I help you?” This same person, I also once asked “Do you know the way to x?” And they said “yes” and then I said after a pause “so, can you tell me the way to x?” And you guessed it they said “Yes, I can” And more silence. So finally I asked “Will you please tell me the way to x?” and they finally deigned to help me even though they knew from the first what I needed.
It gets tiresome having to phrase a question just perfect before a person who understands exactly what you want and mean but has decided to just pretend they don’t understand and need it worded a certain way.

I get it OP, if I wasn’t in the room I would assume DP had the cream and was commenting on how red it was.

Some ppl don't like being direct, they think it comes across as bossy. You already seem to know what DP and DM are getting at, so just respond without eeking out the question - simple.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom blimey! a child telling you how they feel - what a horror