To point it out EVERYTIME DP does this?

[FTEngineerM]

Not sure what the technical term is for this so bear with me..

My DP frequently implies what he wants rather than just says it, and it’s one of the most frustrating things he does. I realise lockdown and a new baby have probably amplified this so taking this lightheartedly at present and giving examples of when DM has done it also but curious what it’s called and do others do it?

Example
DP (changing DCs nappy): ooh his bum looks a bit red.

Me: oh no make sure you put some sudocream on it

DP( acting like he’s already asked): well.. yeah.. will you get it for me then?

My problem is he thinks he’s asking me to get the cream by just saying baby’s bum is sore. But.. he’s not. Is he?

Example
DM (whilst I’m hovering): oh so you don’t use the little nozzle and go around the edges.

Me: don’t I?

DM: well I’m asking you..

Me (not actually finished hoovering yet, nozzle is the ending): no you didn’t.

Argh it drives me nuts, why don’t people tend to actually ask what they mean.

Why does he need to ask at all? Changing a nappy isn't a two-person job. Surely he has sudocrem with him already? Why isn't he more organised in the first place?

FTEngineerM
Open plan makes sense now.

I had images of you both close by and you being like 'yes it is red.. and...', which I infuriates me because I have a relative who can be deliberately awkward to prove some imaginary point. They know perfectly well what an indirect request is and most people are totally capable of reading conversation and going between direct and indirect.

I'd find some of the suggested replies that amount to deliberately ignoring conversational basics to be childish unless the partner was repeatedly claiming to be helpless.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil

It's called being raised in an environment where if you ask a direct question you might get told off or shouted at, I suspect. I have a tendency to do that and the reason is that my dad was quite unpredictable so I trod very carefully. I'm not saying you're like that, OP, it's just that most people learn to behave through watching and reacting to their parents. I agree it's annoying and I have been working to train myself out of it because actually it's a really inefficient way of communicating and doesn't make anyone happy.

Totally sympathise with this. My mum is unable to answer a simple question. She ties herself in knots trying to work out what the secret question you were really asking is so she doesn't fall into the trap that's been set.

Nobody is setting her traps and it can be infuriating but I have spent a long time trying to be much more patient with her about it because it isn't her fault. Her vile mother taught her to be terrified of getting it wrong and casts a long shadow even though she's been dead for 50 years.

Surely he has sudocrem with him already? Why isn't he more organised in the first place?
We don't change in the nursery and DS doesn't use nappy cream regularly, in fact it's quite rare.
Then again neither DH or I assume the other is being useless or pathetic or deliberately helpless the way some on here view their partners so that situation wouldn't annoy me.

My husband is like this. I've brought it up with him and he said he likes to make it seem like something is the other persons idea. He reckons people are more likely to help/say yes/agree.

Drives me mad though so I play dumb

"I've got X to do today" (big job that he needs help with)

Me "oh yeah"

Dh "could really do with getting it done before lunch"

Me "it's only 9am now"

Dh "I wont manage to get it done by lunch on my own"

Me "no?"

Dh "no"

Me "if you want my help ask for it clearly"

Big pause, its killing him

Dh "please can you help me with this?"

I have a child who does this - just makes a statement rather than a request. I find it very annoying, like your role in life is to work about their needs and cater for them!
"There are no socks in my drawer" comes across to me as you fix my problem whereas "do you know where my socks are" or even "can you find me some more socks" doesn't.

I also point out every time, either by saying "are you asking me for something?" or just answering with "really?" or another random statement "today is Saturday"

This would annoy me.

"the babies bum is red, would you mind finding the cream?" is fine. Why just state the facts?
My kids sometimes point out they are hungry ad I just say "oh are you?"

I HATE hinters!!!!! Just come straight out with it you weirdos!!!

@LolaSmiles

FTEngineerM Open plan makes sense now.

I had images of you both close by and you being like 'yes it is red.. and...', which I infuriates me because I have a relative who can be deliberately awkward to prove some imaginary point. They know perfectly well what an indirect request is and most people are totally capable of reading conversation and going between direct and indirect.

I'd find some of the suggested replies that amount to deliberately ignoring conversational basics to be childish unless the partner was repeatedly claiming to be helpless.

These "indirect requests" often come across as manipulative though - the asker is trying to make you do something without actually asking you to. More understandable in a child but very annoying in an adult.

My DM does this and it drives me mad, I wish she'd just come out with whatever it is

What I hate about this behaviour is the assumption that you are perpetually 'on call', ready and waiting for a hint, so you can leap into action.

If I'm in the middle of something else, be that an action or a thought, I'm not going to stop for anything less than a direct request.

It’s to pretend they aren’t ordering you around. If they say “do this” it’s hard to avoid the fact they are being demanding arseholes who think chores are wimmen’s work. This way, if you do what they want they can claim they never asked, you just spontaneously did it. Knock it on the head.

These "indirect requests" often come across as manipulative though - the asker is trying to make you do something without actually asking you to. More understandable in a child but very annoying in an adult.
It's not manipulative at all. Most people use differing levels of directness at different points in conversations. It's an entirely standard part of conversation.

Can people use the hinting approach to manipulate and to test people? Absolutely.

Is the use of a totally standard feature of conversation manipulative in itself? Absolutely not.

Some of the replies on this thread sound like people would be deliberately obtuse in conversation for no reason than trying to sound clever. E.g. "Could you pass me the remote?" - "Of course I could (ignores)... oh you mean you would like me to, why didn't you ask!"

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I don't stand for this kind of thing, with my ex he started like this and after a few years it became a walking on eggshells situation, where his hinting and implying got more and more subtle, and his sulks at me not "catching on" became more abusive and isolating.

It is a control tactic that subtly trains others to read between the lines. It puts others on edge over time.

Yanbu OP. I usually reply to these types of statements-that-are-secretly-questions with "Are you asking me a question?"

Same as if my DS announces "I'm hungry!" OK well are you asking me to assist you with that? Or will I let you go around announcing facts at people and expecting them to dance attendance on you? Etc. It is a rude, self centered and manipulative way of communicating.

This such an insightful post!

I have an ex who behaved this way and I'd never looked back on it as manipulative, but it really is. What an eye opener to look back and see with clarity how someone managed to manipulate so many little situations in that way.

This would drive me mad.
DH do this sometimes as a joke. Like I'll say
'god I'm so thirsty' while sat on the sofa and gazingly mournfully towards the kitchen.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC and @DazzlePaintedBattlePants, this has been my experience too. @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC, your ex sounds just like mine. In the end I became so paralysed with anxiety that I didn't trust myself to even pick out the right loaf of bread at the supermarket.
@FTEngineerM, I think you SHOULD point it out every time and make people have some ownership of what they mean.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

It’s to pretend they aren’t ordering you around. If they say “do this” it’s hard to avoid the fact they are being demanding arseholes who think chores are wimmen’s work. This way, if you do what they want they can claim they never asked, you just spontaneously did it. Knock it on the head.

Exactly. My SIL is a master at this. She never asks for anything but before you know it, you are doing everything for her. But as she never asks it is YOU being unreasonable if you feel any resentment. Help is never reciprocated.

We are no longer in touch.

Yanbu My DH doesn’t do this but I know others who do.

I don’t mind being asked to do things but at least have the balls to actually ask me, it’s only polite. Don’t set up a conversation where I have to offer to do the thing you want to bloody ask me to do because you’re only hinting at it.

Hoover example - I'd understand that as an implied question.My response would be 'Yes, I do'.

Baby's bum example - If he just followed up by asking you to get it, I'd be okay with that.
If he sounded ratty that you didn't immediately understand, you're right to point out that you didn't know he didn't have the cream.

I've known children do a half-way version of this; 'can someone get me a ... please?' Well, if there's more than one adult in the room and they're all busy, then no, 'someone' won't magically do it. You need to chose a person and ask them directly by name.

The first stage in any communication is to get the attention of the person you wish to speak to. Wandering about muttering into the air, or narrating your life, does not achieve this.

Exactly. My SIL is a master at this. She never asks for anything but before you know it, you are doing everything for her. But as she never asks it is YOU being unreasonable if you feel any resentment. Help is never reciprocated.
That's because she is manipulative and a CF.

I think the nature of the relationship makes a big difference on how people respond to indirect requests.

One of our extended family has perfected the art of passive aggressive hinting to the point where they'll start getting cleaning materials out, talk about the job that needs doing and expect their DP and adult children to immediately offer to do it. If nobody jumps I've been told she gets moody whilst doing the job to ensure everyone knows she'sdoingit. It's awful.

OP, if you were changing the nappy would you need the cream brought to you or would you get it yourself?

My DH does this all the time. He sits down 'oh now I've left my glasses over there'
Me: Have you. Oh dear.

I'm not sure if it's because his mum got him things if he did that or some other reason but it's annoying.

This really pisses me off, dh does this.

It IS so they aren't actually asking. Just hinting so then you have offered. And they don't need to be grateful.

I have started just hmm'ing along...

If you would like help with something then directly ask so you understand and it is clear you needed my help and I helped you.