To point it out EVERYTIME DP does this?

[FTEngineerM]

Not sure what the technical term is for this so bear with me..

My DP frequently implies what he wants rather than just says it, and it’s one of the most frustrating things he does. I realise lockdown and a new baby have probably amplified this so taking this lightheartedly at present and giving examples of when DM has done it also but curious what it’s called and do others do it?

Example
DP (changing DCs nappy): ooh his bum looks a bit red.

Me: oh no make sure you put some sudocream on it

DP( acting like he’s already asked): well.. yeah.. will you get it for me then?

My problem is he thinks he’s asking me to get the cream by just saying baby’s bum is sore. But.. he’s not. Is he?

Example
DM (whilst I’m hovering): oh so you don’t use the little nozzle and go around the edges.

Me: don’t I?

DM: well I’m asking you..

Me (not actually finished hoovering yet, nozzle is the ending): no you didn’t.

Argh it drives me nuts, why don’t people tend to actually ask what they mean.

[quote mooncakes]@Thickhead your poor MIL! Do you want a bloody salad or not??[/quote]
but why should it be up to me if the whole family have a salad at dinner? She's the one cooking!

I don't know, I'm terrified of her so turn into a quivering wreck whenever she asks me anything. Think Hyacinth Bucket and Elizabeth. It's pathetic.

Oh god my DH does this all the time, drives me insane. JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN FFS. I find it quite manipulative tbh and always just say something like "oh really" or "mmhmm" so that he has to ask me the question.

He also struggles to be direct in other ways too. For example (pre covid) he will txt me to say he is going for a drink and then stay out until 3am. He thinks that if he says he will be out very late then I'll get pissed off. Ffs I don't care if he's going out drinking until the early hours of the morning but just fucking tell me so that I don't wait up. Another example is we will be watching telly in the evening and he will say something like "god I'm tired tonight", ten minutes later he will go upstairs without a word (I assume to go to the loo or fetch something etc) . After about half an hour I'll go looking for him and he will be tucked up in bed. When I say "you could have said goodnight" he will be like "well I thought you knew I was tired and having an early night?"

FFS DH I'm not a mind reader

I am an indirect asker... conversational, expect things to be picked up on.. I have had to learn not to be..

OH is ASD and requires absolutely direct 100% specific instruction..He also has PDA as part of his ASD..

My sister who up until lockdown was here quite often, is absolutely obsessed with what folk think of her/me/others, how things appear and really thinks I am a bossy rude cow. (She is also ASD but not particularly similar to OH...)

I have to ask others for a lot as I am disabled and theres a lot I can't do...

The FUN we have..... oh boy.

I have have a variant of this!

I ask "What should we have for dinner?"

And he says "There's a casserole in the freezer and there are sausages in the fridge."

I say "Those are facts. I was asking for an opinion."

Then DH stomps off 🙂🙂

Going back to the earlier point about the how to talk to children.. book, surely that scenario is about adults teaching children to think for themselves? It's like when a Teacher says it's very noisy, they are trying to help children be more aware of their surroundings and mindful of other people.

I'm assuming the OP's DP wasn't attempting to teach her about sore bums.

*I ask "What should we have for dinner?"

And he says "There's a casserole in the freezer and there are sausages in the fridge."

I say "Those are facts. I was asking for an opinion."

Then DH stomps off*

For me, this is actually quite different though. He was answering your question by suggesting a couple of options. Maybe it's not just his decision re: what to have for dinner. This seems like normal conversation and I think I'd also take offence at your response!

My mother is like this. She used to talk to me via the cat. "Oh cat, no one has set the table, looks like no one's going to help". It drives me insane. It's so passive aggressive! Just ask for what you want!! Argh. I think it's just how some people are brought up. I am very direct with my DH as a consequence!

@Bag4Lyf I absolutely hate this whole drinks conversation, especially when several people have turned up and need to do it multiple times going through the list
Me: Would you like a drink
Them: Erm, what you got
Me: list items
Them: Go on then I'll have a cold drink
Me: (aaarrgghh) which one
Them: what you got (paid no attention)
Now I have changed tactics....
Me: Would you like a drink
Them: Erm, what you got
Me: Hot or cold - this narrows down the options so they actually pay attention to what they are saying rather than half listening to what else is going on

Also my eldest started being a pain.
Me: do you want a sandwich
Him: yes please
Then would proceed me having to ask 6 questions to get a proper response of what he wanted as was only giving me half his attention.
Told him I am not a damn waitress who's actual job it is to be patient and ask 6 questions. If I ask if you want a sandwich I expect one answer with all i need to know to make it. He is learning. Determined he will not be let loose on the world as a useless 1950's man

For me, this is actually quite different though. He was answering your question by suggesting a couple of options. Maybe it's not just his decision re: what to have for dinner. This seems like normal conversation and I think I'd also take offence at your response!

Absolutely. Sounds like a totally normal conversation to me, nothing to be stopping off about.

Push back.

“Baby’s bum is red?”
“So what should you do?”

Stop offering choice.

“Would you like a ham sandwich and a glass of orange juice”

“Do you want to go for a walk?”
“It’s raining”
“Thanks for that, Michael Fish. Do you want to go for a walk?”

Stop being defensive

“Aren’t you using the edge thing to vacuum?”
“Fuck that shit”

I guess it depends on the individual situation, and maybe it's annoying if it seems to happen all the time, but with the sudocream example, I'd probably feel like your partner does. He's mentioned the redness, and it's obvious that he'll need to apply some ointment, so why does he need to specifically ask

Because OP is not a mindreader and doesn't know that he didn't take the precaution of having everything he might need available before he started?

Determined he will not be let loose on the world as a useless 1950's man

I'm not sure you are going the right way about that! A) how old is he? I prefer saying "If you want a sandwich there is ham/spam/dogshit in the the fridge" and leave them to it. b) if I was making lunch for myself and offering lunch to others it would be "I am having a ham sandwich, do you want one?" which is a yes/no job. I rather think you have set yourself up as the waitress by acting like one!

My Grandmother does this. Me and DM are well versed in it and will respond accordingly. Think we've inadvertently created an issue though because now she's in a care home she thinks the staff should know what she wants without her asking!

I think they're just trying to pass on the responsibility of the task on to someone else.
My DH occasionally tries this, I'm busy with baby and he'll say DD (who is 4 )needs to be in bed, I know where this is going, what he really means is that he knows it's bedtime but he expects me to take her up.
With nappy changes he'll say oh I think baby needs changing then wait... Expecting me to drop everything to change her. Hah! I just reply back so change her then, what are you waiting for!

@bumblingbovine49

I hate this way if talking but even worse is asking questions that aren't really questions.

" aren't you cold, shall I close the window?" meaning " I'm cold and want the window closed"

"It's getting late aren't you hungry?". meaning " When are you planning to start dinner because I'm getting hungry"

"Do you think it's a bit too cold to go out for the walk we had planned?" meaning " I know I agreed to go for a walk but it's freezing outside and Ive changed my mind now"

Say what you mean fgs and don't make me responsible for your decisions.

Oh god - I do this to DH all the time. Because, if I don't, he takes direct questions or requests as a confrontation of his masculinity or being or something. So if I say 'could you please take the bread out of the freezer' he'll get annoyed, as opposed to 'do you think that the bread should be taken out of the freezer now if you want to make sandwiches later?'.

Reading this thread is really interesting as like PP's mother he looks for the 'hidden' meaning or trap in anything I ask him. So instead of doing what I've asked, he reads between the lines and does what he thinks I'm hinting at. Example: He was moving a wardrobe for me and I asked him to put all my clothes on their hangers on the bed. Explained that I had agonising back pain (32wks pregnant) so I couldn't bend down further than that to pick them up after. He took the clothes off the hangers and put them in ziplock bags because 'I knew that's what you wanted in case the cat came in and sat on them' - agghhhhh.

I find the more direct I am in what I ask for, the crazier his output.

I blame MIL who feels like if someone doesn't guess what you want then they don't really care about you. Birthdays and Christmases are agony with her passive aggressively slagging off her presents to our faces after we failed to guess what we were supposed to do. And us perplexed that instead of getting us anything we asked for she's bought us more pottery cats for the collection she's trying to make us start.

@MyMajesty

Have you explained to him what he's doing and how annoying it is?

Absolutely!

He understood how frustrating I find it but carries on doing it so now every time he does it I say ‘bums red’ and he immediately knows I’m referencing it in a lighthearted way.

Thinking about it now it’s definitely some people that do it frequently, I can’t recount a time a DFr (friend) or DF has done it.

In response to what time will you be back ones, ah - he does those too! When working shifts if I would ask ‘what time are you working Tuesday?’ He answer would be ‘early shift’ now if there was one defined early shift that would be ok.. but there isn’t ‘early’ could be 6/7/8/9 start. Eventually with me pointing it out repeatedly he would take one look at my face and rephrase to the actual number!

I like clear instructions otherwise, every statement could be a hidden request. I’d be on pins.

this drives me mad too. I find it so frustrating when dp talks in riddles and equivocation rather than being forthright enough to articulate what he actually means.

^“Aren’t you using the edge thing to vacuum?”
“Fuck that shit”^

That's my kind of blunt!

@PyongyangKipperbang he is a teen. He does and can make his own, it is those times that for any reason he can't and I will. Over time he had gotten worse about telling me what he wanted and I have twigged and I have said to him if I am doing it don't make it hard work for me. Sometimes, as with anything you can slip into a habit and I pull him up on it as I want him to be a decent partner when he is older.

Hi there, sorry you are going through this. Someone once said to me similar advice - did you know this about him before you married? I guess our filters for this type of this style of communication wasn't one when dating? yes, you have to keep pointing it out. yes it may get better over time - or it may not. Not sure if you were seeking advice or just to hear that it's okay to be annoyed by people not being as direct as they could...

This thread has been a fascinating read. I don't think I've come across the hinting at a trauma response, but been frustrated by it as a cultural thing. I nearly married a man who's while family (and that included most of the village they socialised with) were hinters.

I got told off for being rude when I asked for things (would you like a cup of tea? No thanks, but could I have a glass of water?) or if I looked blank when someone statemented at me and I never really got why until now.

That was a lucky escape.

Who's while = whose whole

My DH has a similar trick! He doesn't answer the question I asked... he answers the question he thinks I should have asked.

Drives me mad! After 30+ years I am still left saying "Now answer the question I actually asked!"

The hoovering example in the OP is a different thing though, it's a deliberate (habitual) power play, a put-down.

The DM is criticising her DD, in a way that puts her DD on the back foot and invites either self-justification (pleading for approval), or agreement that she is indeed a slattern.

The neutral third response is to be very factual and counter her statement with one of your own: 'In fact what I do, is hoover first, then use the small attachment at the end'.

I think it's very easy for parents of adult children to get stuck in ways of speaking to them that are based in thinking of them as incapable teenagers. 'Oh, I see you don't do that properly', 'I expect you'll have forgotten X', 'Well don't do silly-thing-Y again'