To point it out EVERYTIME DP does this?

[FTEngineerM]

Not sure what the technical term is for this so bear with me..

My DP frequently implies what he wants rather than just says it, and it’s one of the most frustrating things he does. I realise lockdown and a new baby have probably amplified this so taking this lightheartedly at present and giving examples of when DM has done it also but curious what it’s called and do others do it?

Example
DP (changing DCs nappy): ooh his bum looks a bit red.

Me: oh no make sure you put some sudocream on it

DP( acting like he’s already asked): well.. yeah.. will you get it for me then?

My problem is he thinks he’s asking me to get the cream by just saying baby’s bum is sore. But.. he’s not. Is he?

Example
DM (whilst I’m hovering): oh so you don’t use the little nozzle and go around the edges.

Me: don’t I?

DM: well I’m asking you..

Me (not actually finished hoovering yet, nozzle is the ending): no you didn’t.

Argh it drives me nuts, why don’t people tend to actually ask what they mean.

I occasionally do this . However, I can't stand it and am trying to get out of the habit.

One family member does it all the time, particularly if they're in a cranky mood. They've got form for doing things like standing a in a room where no-one else is and loudly announce, "The cars need moving" when they mean, "Wigglerose, [Wigglerose's other relative] please move your cars." Except we're not in the room. So they also need to find us and ask us.

Or they'll pick something up and wander round saying, "Whose is this? Whose is this?" when they mean, "Please tidy your things away." It comes from annoyance that we're not mind readers. They don't WANT to have to ask us anything. They want us to not inconvenience them, and even having to ask us to do something is, in their eyes, not on, hence the passive-aggressive questions.

I've got an acquaintance who is more than capable of being blunt to the point of rude if they think you've been stupid or got something wrong, or done something they don't approve of, but at other times seemingly unable to find their words and prone to sulking when the world doesn't conform to their unspoken desires. Or they'll drop massive hints in the hope that you'll pick it up and ask them about it. Incredibly irritating, and a reason we don't get on. I'm sure they think I'm the most wonderful person in the world too.

I do this and it’s definitely learned from DM. my DH has said before how annoying it can be and has echoed a lot of the comments here and I haven’t really got it and thought he was BU. This is really interesting for me to read and I can see his point of view now.

I think we must all be a little bit guilty of this and I include myself in that.
Reading through this thread I was struck by the idea that it might possibly be learned behaviour.
I had a childhood full of sound bites.
'It's rude to ask' and 'I want didn't get', were a couple that spring to mind.
I've always found it difficult to ask a direct question - perhaps fear of rejection or having some rule quoted back at me is why?

I'm sure it is learned, as most family behaviours are.

But 'I want never gets' means use 'please may I have...?', which is still a direct question. And 'it's rude to ask' means 'when in someone else's house, or at a formal meal, wait until you're offered', rather than barging in demanding things of an already busy host. I think those are both basic manners.

FWIW members of my family made an art out of this. Drove me absolutely mad :( YANBU.

A rule we have, is, if you want to ask somebody something and they're not in the same room, you go and find them (and check to see if they're available e.g. not in the middle of a phone call, before talking to them). You never shout for them to come to you. (As this is, in my view, an incredibly presumptuous, self-centred thing to do).

So, if someone does shout for me from a different room, I now it's an emergency, or at least really important.

I think people who are used to having a helpmeet on hand, or who see themselves as 'helping' the person whose responsibility the job they're doing really is, don't bother to set themselves up to function independently e.g. by keeping a pot of sudocrem at the changing table and one in the nappy bag (so simple).

DH definitely grew up learning that it was rude to ask. His family are all quite content with their meagre lot, if that makes sense. Lots of self deprivation going on. His parents are wealthy due to inheritances but have never got out of the mindset of being poor, so do things like wait eight weeks for a part for their twenty year old oven rather than spend money on a new one.

They would never ask directly for something. Weirdly the exception to this is Christmas and birthdays when they give detailed lists including price and catalogue number! But again that’s only a list of (very specific) ideas.

It took a fair few years to get DH to be more direct. He’s not manipulative, it’s quite the opposite. He puts all of our needs ahead of his and found it uncomfortable to say, actually I don’t/do want to do that.

After 15odd years he’s learned that I don’t do indirect. Don’t ask, you don’t get.

The best way to deal with this OP (the only way I’ve found) is to out ‘passive’ him!

Him: DC’s bum looks a bit red
You: oh, ok (walks away to do something else)

Him: DC seems thirsty
You: Maybe (walks away to do something else)

Him: I’m chilly
Me: I’m ok

Your DP relies on you engaging with him to present him with the solution which he then expects you to do.

‘Put sudocream on’ - you get it
‘Give him a drink’ - you get it
‘Turn the heating up’ - you do it

DH used to do this all the time and when I totally stopped engaging him he would stand there like a lost fish trying to figure out how to actually ask me directly for/to do stuff.

He’s much better now. He knows if he doesn’t ask I won’t do it.