BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

Are you in the UK? When your other BIL had a baby earlier this year, was that when we were in lockdown too? Perhaps they are waiting until they are allowed to do so to come visit?

It's been 2 weeks and the country is in lockdown (assuming you are in England)

I would imagine they will bring a card and gift when opportunity arises for them to visit

Congratulations on your baby

“Calling them out” is only going to further alienate them. If that’s what you want, go for it.

Yes we’re in the UK. Our niece was born in Feb so pre lockdown. I feel like if they were waiting until after lockdown to visit they would probably have said so? They haven’t expressed any interest in seeing us or the baby at all.

If you were sent a congratulatory message then it was acknowledged.

I'm sorry you feel upset about it. That can't be nice for you.

Stay out of it, it's your DH's brother.
He is probably far more hurt than you by the lessening of contact and reduction in closeness and it's up to him how he wants to handle it.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby

If I was heavily pregnant I would be isolating as much as I could. I also would be leaving present buying and meal cooking to my OH to sort.

Even if the distance started when SIL came on the scene, this is 100% a BIL issue. Same thing happened to us with DH's Dsis.
.

He is your dhs brother, not yours so its his decision.

Maybe they are giving you space with a newborn? It's only been 2 weeks and, depending on where in the UK you are, there is a lockdown on.
If you "call them out on it" that will definitely be one way of finalising that relationship.

Don't meddle in your DH's relationship with his brother.

If your DH doesn't want to ask his brother what's up, that's his business.

If you (independently) want to ask if you've done anything to upset them, then that's up to you.

I'd feel the same as you OP and I think this is pretty rubbish of them

I probably wouldn't say anything though in case they get defensive and it makes things even worse.

@M0rT

Stay out of it, it's your DH's brother. He is probably far more hurt than you by the lessening of contact and reduction in closeness and it's up to him how he wants to handle it. Congratulations on the birth of your baby

Yes I think you’re right. I’m sad because I was really close to my cousins growing up (who lived nearby) and all my DC’s other cousins live far away, whereas BIL’s child will be close but we’re unlikely to see them much it seems. And I just don’t know why!

He congratulated you. You can't "call someone out" just because they didn't do it in the way you want them to.

My baby has just turned 1 and my BILs have seen her twice, both at social gatherings where they didn't come over and specifically see her, just a generic greeting to us all and their wives didn't even come over and say hi either time!

"Don't meddle in your DH's relationship with his brother."

^ That.

If your SIL doesn't like you, it's unlikely your kids will be close anyway.

Not impossible but fairly unlikely I'd say.

@SeasonFinale

He congratulated you. You can't "call someone out" just because they didn't do it in the way you want them to.

Sure, he said “congratulations on the new baby” in a text message - is that really what most people do when their sibling has a child? It’s not what any of the rest of our family has done but I guess we’re really lucky.

Other people's babies just aren't a big deal to some people. Lockdown complicates everything too.

Don't say anything to them, honestly you will just look like PFB parents demanding attention. I get that it hurts but try to reign it in

I'm not actually sure what they have done wrong. It's only been two weeks. You have been congratulated. The lockdown isn't over (assuming you are in England?) so they may be waiting until the shops are open to go get a gift and card then bring it round. If SIL is pregnant I imagine she is being careful about where she goes.

Just playing devil's advocate here, they may have some stuff going on that means they haven't had the time or mental energy to do much more than say congrats?
If you don't see them much anymore there could be all sorts of things that you don't know, e.g. Shit at work, family illness or drama on sil side, relationship problems, their own baby loss?
Not saying any of this is true, just that I would give them the benefit of the doubt, don't automatically assume they are thoughtless arseholes?
If you want to preserve the relationship either wait to hear from them or drop them a message to see if they are ok? If there's an issue they may then share, and if they have just been preoccupied with other things, it will make them think 'oh shit' we should make more of an effort re: new dn. .

It’s been two weeks during which we’ve been in lockdown.Assuming that they just aren’t interested because they said congratulations and didn’t come round to drop off presents is a tad Mel a dramatic.

If it had been months I could understand it, but two weeks?

@MyMonsteraisDeliciosa

Other people's babies just aren't a big deal to some people. Lockdown complicates everything too.

Don't say anything to them, honestly you will just look like PFB parents demanding attention. I get that it hurts but try to reign it in

We’re not even PFB parents - we’ve got one already 🤣. They’ve treated us very differently to how they behaved when their other brother had a baby, so it’s not just that they aren’t into babies. It feels like a real snub. Appreciate really difficult to raise it though without seeming grabby.

She's pregnant - it's a pandemic - and if they'd turned up on your doorstep on day 3, I guess you'd have been complaining about that, too.
People aren't obliged to be interested in your baby. A close relationship between cousins depends on the cousins (still unborn) and hasn't been ruled out after two weeks.
And if you 'called me out' for not toeing the line and visiting sooner - that'd be it for the future. Congratulations on the baby - but you do sound like the Virgin Mary complaining that the Magi are dragging their heels to pay their respects.

Maybe they are waiting for an invite because of lockdown and covid, they might be having the same conversation wondering why everyone has been invited but them?

Sorry I saw it was second baby after I posted, my reading skills need a polish tonight

Its hurtful I know but not worth causing a rift over surely? Their loss anyway