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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

234 replies

Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 16:48

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

OP posts:
FLOrenze · 28/11/2020 17:31

I would not call them out, as I suspect it is rooted in jealousy of his relationship with you. My. BiL came to us for dinner, once a week for 9 years before he was married. He brought his fiancé for 3 years.

We were not invited to their home for 5 years after they married. It was heartbreaking to see the relationship between the brothers collapse.

BloggersBlog · 28/11/2020 17:31

YANBU I would be upset at this lack of interest too. But I really think your DH should ask his brother about it. This will fester if not, I would bet on it. Especially after their DC is born and it is feted like the new Messiah

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 17:32

The new baby thing is just a recent concrete example of how they don’t seem bothered about us, whereas previously we were really close.

Then ask them why but leave your husband out of it.

Do be prepared for an honest answer though.

Nanny0gg · 28/11/2020 17:32

OP - this is Mumsnet.

Most people I know whose close sibling had a baby would have sent a card/flowers/a gift precisely because of lockdown. They would have also asked if it would be possible to have facetime to talk to you and actually see the baby.

The fact that you were close before and now aren't does suggest that one or both of them don't want it for whatever reason.

See how it goes and if it carries on, when the opportunity arises, your DH should speak to his brother.

When they have their baby, react as you would have done previously towards them.

Congratulations! Flowers

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 17:34

@Bluntness100

The new baby thing is just a recent concrete example of how they don’t seem bothered about us, whereas previously we were really close

Op it really isn’t a concrete example. I’m sorry. But it’s not.

In my family and friend circles when a new baby is born we give a gift to the baby and parents. We send it by post if not in person and will call to congratulate them. Maybe that’s unusual but BIL did all that for his other brother’s child so it’s not like the concept is alien to him, even if it’s not standard. To be clear again, it’s not about wanting gifts, it’s about wanting to feel that BIL cares about us.
OP posts:
Crankley · 28/11/2020 17:34

You can't force other people to like you or want a close relationship with you - that's entirely up to them. If I was your SiL and you decided to 'call me out' about it, there wouldn't be any contact at all.

They congratulated you - it's enough, get on with your life.

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2020 17:35

Honestly if a relative of mine had a baby two weeks ago and had an eighteen month old the last thing I’d think they wanted was me to run round and visit with gifts in the middle of lockdown, especially if I was a teacher and exposed to Covid daily.

GeorginaTheGiant · 28/11/2020 17:37

Being blunt, from what you’ve said it does sound like she or they are not that keen on you and aren’t trying to build a close relationship between the families. I can understand that being hurtful but you’re not entitled to be liked by anyone, sad as it is. You need to respect their wishes and boundaries and don’t try and force a relationship that isn’t happening naturally or genuinely. Saying something will only make things horribly awkward, and if they’re not that keen then it’s hardly going to mean that they suddenly start wanting to spend time with you. Enjoy your new baby and stop worrying about your in laws.

FestiveChristmasLights · 28/11/2020 17:40

Two weeks, we’re in a pandemic and it’s not your first child. I’d think a message saying congratulations sufficed as well.

ImPrincessAurora · 28/11/2020 17:42

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore

Your DH sounds sensible.

You probably have done something to offend them (albeit inadvertently). I’d leave it. Many people aren’t particularly close to their grown up siblings and less so cousins.

Ohdeariedear · 28/11/2020 17:43

I would suggest that there might be other factors at play here. They may be being extra cautious with visiting due to her pregnancy or other health matters that you know nothing about. Sadly, I know of so many people right now who are each having a full-on crisis at the moment about work/health/money/family , but to the outside world, all looks fine because they are being very selective about who they tell.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 28/11/2020 17:44

'In my family and friend circles when a new baby is born we give a gift to the baby and parents. We send it by post if not in person and will call to congratulate them'

Yes that is what most people do. So what would you guess the problem is? Have you actually disagreed about anything or is it just different personalities? Even so you can be polite even if not close.

IrishMamaMia · 28/11/2020 17:44

Sounds like maybe life has just gotten in the way. I'd give them benefit of a doubt as so many people are going through a rough time now. Maybe you could actively invite them over when restrictions are eased?
My husband and I and his brothers settled into long-term relationships and had children around the same time and the dynamics were a bit odd as the family was very 'new' and we were all finding our feet. We're all more used to each other and have a great relationship now, kids included.

McRibpain · 28/11/2020 17:44

Ok is it a bit shit, but these are exceptional times. The good shops aren't even open to buy nice baby things.

Also we found that people just aren't that arsed with second babies, especially when they're close together.

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 17:44

@FestiveChristmasLights

Two weeks, we’re in a pandemic and it’s not your first child. I’d think a message saying congratulations sufficed as well.
Really? As I’ve said before that’s not how our family generally behaves though.

@ImPrincessAurora if we have inadvertently offended them, wouldn’t it be a good idea to try to clear the air? The resounding answer seems to be no though so I have taken that on board!

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 28/11/2020 17:45

Was it his other brothers first child?

RyvitaBrevis · 28/11/2020 17:45

I wouldn't dream of calling people with a new baby - I would be terrified of interrupting their sleep or the baby's sleep. Maybe they're just being awkward! I feel quite nervous about inviting myself over to see a new baby even if it's family. The fact that you're in the same city may confuse the issue because they don't have to arrange a visit in the same way and may be thinking we'll give them some space, let them settle in etc.

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 17:45

@Waveysnail

Was it his other brothers first child?
Nope, also second child.
OP posts:
GetOffYourHighHorse · 28/11/2020 17:47

'The good shops aren't even open to buy nice baby things.'

Most manage to shop online. Anyway as the op said it isn’t about a gift it's the lack of interest. In these miserable times a new baby would surely be something most could summon a bit of interest in.

FestiveChristmasLights · 28/11/2020 17:50

Really? As I’ve said before that’s not how our family generally behaves though.

Yes, really. I don’t think it’s fair to compare how a family normally behaves when we are in a lockdown or tightened restrictions.

However, from what you say it sounds like this isn’t really the issue and it’s a cumulation of behaviour that makes you think they are backing away or perhaps dislike you. If they don’t like you, bringing this up isn’t going to be the way to change things.

Perhaps try to be the better person and act as you normally would when they have their baby and maybe the cousins will grow up to be close.

Congratulations on your baby.

WaltzForDebbie · 28/11/2020 17:52

Everyone is different. We have relatives who send cards and pressies for every occasion, big and small. We have other close relatives who don't ever send birthday cards or presents but we have a great time when we do meet up. I don't think it's personal but I've never asked. I don't want to get worked up about it and lose out on a relationship.

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 17:53

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'In my family and friend circles when a new baby is born we give a gift to the baby and parents. We send it by post if not in person and will call to congratulate them'

Yes that is what most people do. So what would you guess the problem is? Have you actually disagreed about anything or is it just different personalities? Even so you can be polite even if not close.

Thanks for agreeing that a short text isn’t the norm - was beginning to think I was going mad!

Since it all started when SIL came on the scene, I can only assume it’s down to her. BIL is pretty lazy and she’s in charge of all the social stuff and has taken on the “wife work” very willingly. So it’s either that she actively dislikes us, or that she just prioritises her friends and family. I’m not sure which it is but either way BIL is clearly at fault.

When we see them we always have a nice time which is why it’s so weird. For example, they come to ours for lunch every couple of months (at least they did pre covid) but we haven’t been to theirs since before they got married 2 years ago.

OP posts:
TooLittleTooLate80 · 28/11/2020 17:54

I usually hate the phrase but you really sound like hard work given current circumstances.

GreyTS · 28/11/2020 17:56

OP I'm sorry but people on mumsnet are weird as fuck when it comes to family! I dunno but in my family we are incredibly excited at the arrival of a new baby, sibling or cousin pictures are shared, presents and cards are sent even from family continents away. A text message of congrats from a previously close and much loved family member is definitely not normal and is very sad. However what can you do, questioning them will only make them defensive and likely make things worse, all you can do is react with love and happiness when their baby is born. Send a pressie, gush over baby and try to let their rudeness pass over your head

Livelovebehappy · 28/11/2020 17:56

Whilst it’s probably not a good idea to do a house visit during lockdown, I would think contact via text just checking in on how you are, and even sorting out an online card/flowers. I would be put out about it, bu5 as your DH doesn’t seem to want to try sort the matter out, if I was you I would approach his partner direct, and not call her out on anything, but just suggest meeting up for a walk and takeaway coffee, and how nice it is that the cousins are going to be so close in age etc. You will then know from her reaction whether she is interested in getting to know you better. Maybe she’s just the sort of person who isn’t very sociable generally, maybe she’s shy or feels a bit intimidated by you. I agree it would be lovely to be close with you both have children similar age.