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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

234 replies

Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 16:48

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

OP posts:
Carriemac · 28/11/2020 18:26

Not dropping round a present , card and a home cooked meal as a minimum is lazy and rude in my opinion

BloggersBlog · 28/11/2020 18:28

Honestly you sound very high maintenance and your insistence on attention from your husbands brother is just odd

Yes, how very dare you be so high maintenance wanting an acknowledgement for your child!! Shocking!!

Grin Grin

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/11/2020 18:28

I think you are reading far too much into this.

BIL was close to you until he started a serious relationship. His wife and family are his priority now. That's all there is to it.

I expect your SIL can't or won't do wife work so you might be waiting a long time for a card. Blaming her for lack of contact is hardly fair, she didn't have a relationship with you, he did.

IrishMamaMia · 28/11/2020 18:31

There's some sterling advice here for handling in-laws in general. I am wondering if your SIL is wrapped up in her own pregnancy? I found my first pregnancy totally all-encompassing and didn't really get anything done other than buying baby equipment. My friends who are pregnant with their first at the moment are in a weird place.. Constant worry about how Covid is impacting their pregnancy :( maybe your SIL feels similar.

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 18:31

@Carriemac

Not dropping round a present , card and a home cooked meal as a minimum is lazy and rude in my opinion
Just to be clear - I do not expect them to have done this...

A phone call would have been nice. Or even a follow up text after the initial congrats just asking how we’re getting on. They didn’t even reply when we sent photos of the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 18:32

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

I think you are reading far too much into this.

BIL was close to you until he started a serious relationship. His wife and family are his priority now. That's all there is to it.

I expect your SIL can't or won't do wife work so you might be waiting a long time for a card. Blaming her for lack of contact is hardly fair, she didn't have a relationship with you, he did.

She does do wife work - just not for us it seems.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/11/2020 18:32

Also not sure where you’ve got the idea that I’m driving a massive wedge between DH and his brother - I’d actually love to have a good relationship with them, as we used to

But op you still do. There is nothing to indicate you don’t. Honestly they have done nothing to cause this.

All I can assume this is hormones and you aren’t usually so sensitive and high maintenance?

thesnob20 · 28/11/2020 18:34

@Carriemac

“Not dropping round a present , card and a home cooked meal as a minimum is lazy and rude in my opinion”

Please tell me you’re being sarcastic

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2020 18:34

She does do wife work - just not for us it seems

I think you need to stop now. I mean that gently but this is too much. These people have not behaved badly to you

Justmuddlingalong · 28/11/2020 18:34

She does do wife work - just not for us it seems.
Then you just have to accept that.

Butchyrestingface · 28/11/2020 18:34

DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

Shouldn't come as a surprise. You knew before the baby arrived that she apparently didn't want a close relationship with you. A shame if your husband's previously close relationship with his brother has been interrupted because of this, but that's between them.

they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

Totally unrealistic given the circumstances. Even more unrealistic, however, would be for them to expect you to sound the fanfare when their little bunch of joy arrives.

BanditoShipman · 28/11/2020 18:36

You’re getting a rough ride here op. Of course it’s totally normal for a sibling to send card/gift and call within the first two weeks of new nephew/niece arriving (whether first, second, third or fourth!), lockdown doesn’t prevent online shopping and the post.

People on MN are weird about this sort of thing. You know your family and that this would be normal, so therefore this is an upsetting oversight or indeed a snub.

Enjoy your baby xx

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 18:37

@Bluntness100

Also not sure where you’ve got the idea that I’m driving a massive wedge between DH and his brother - I’d actually love to have a good relationship with them, as we used to

But op you still do. There is nothing to indicate you don’t. Honestly they have done nothing to cause this.

All I can assume this is hormones and you aren’t usually so sensitive and high maintenance?

Great that you’re confident we’ve got a good relationship with them 🤣

As I’ve tried to say various times, it’s been clear for years now that all the effort has been on our side not theirs. We weren’t invited to BIL’s 30th (organised by SIL) for example. The reason it’s come to a head for me now is that I had hoped the new babies might make us closer, and far from it they’ve barely acknowledged we’ve had one.

I definitely am hormonal though. Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 28/11/2020 18:41

I get why you are disappointed, but it's mid-lockdown so they shouldn't be visiting you, so maybe they are just trying to stick to the rules?

Also if it means that much to you maybe invite them to you?

whatwouldyoudo85 · 28/11/2020 18:41

You’re getting a rough ride here op. Of course it’s totally normal for a sibling to send card/gift and call within the first two weeks of new nephew/niece arriving (whether first, second, third or fourth!), lockdown doesn’t prevent online shopping and the post.

This. MN is very strange about this kind of thing. Of course it's not normal to barely even acknowledge the arrival of a new niece/nephew, unless there's some huge backstory/family rift etc.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/11/2020 18:42

When I was pregnant other people’s babies just weren’t a big deal for either me or my dh. And a second child born in Lockdown wouldn’t really have received more than a congrats. I think you really need to think about this from her perspective - she’s pregnant with her first baby during Lockdown, little to no family support, she and your bil probably just want to focus on their family.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/11/2020 18:44

But as you don’t have a great relationship anyway return the favour when they’re baby is born.

lilsquish · 28/11/2020 18:45

I would be upset too OP.

All you are looking for is a little bit of interest/emotion.

A lockdown doesnt stop a card being sent and a facetime to 'meet' the baby and check in on you until you can all meet up in person.

YANBU

Congratulations on your son

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 18:45

@GrumpyHoonMain

When I was pregnant other people’s babies just weren’t a big deal for either me or my dh. And a second child born in Lockdown wouldn’t really have received more than a congrats. I think you really need to think about this from her perspective - she’s pregnant with her first baby during Lockdown, little to no family support, she and your bil probably just want to focus on their family.
She lives 2 mins from her parents and has been seeing them and her siblings throughout lockdown. Her parents are extremely well off (bought her and BIL’s house) so not sure why you think she’s got no family support.

Also presumably all the people who would be content to only text a sibling after the birth of their child can appreciate that in a family where it’s normal to go far beyond this, it feels like a bit of a snub not to do it for one specific child?

OP posts:
tiredybear · 28/11/2020 18:46

His brother wasn't invited to his 30th?! Did the brothers not have something to say about this at the time?!

If BIL is not interested in spending time with his brother, then he's certainly not going to be interested in his brother's baby.

I agree they are being weird but people are weird. The facts seem to be they don't want to spend time with you. You could push for an answer as to why, but it is unlikely to be pleasant for anyone involved.

As hard as it is you will have to learn acceptance to the situation and only see them occasionally.

Congrats on the new baby xx

Original poster
Nutbutter · 28/11/2020 18:47

Oh and for those suggesting we treat them with similar lack of interest when their baby is here, we won’t be doing that. Their baby will be my DC’s flesh and blood - we will get them a gift and a card and hope to visit them as we would any other baby in the family.

OP posts:
FrightClub · 28/11/2020 18:47

How big was the 30th birthday party? If it was 150 people including all immediate family that's a bit of a drip feed.

HazelWong · 28/11/2020 18:47

I think they are just preoccupied with their own stuff.

Some people are a bit like that. My SIL bangs on about how hard she finds pregnancy emotionally. Fine but maybe not appropriate to say to someone like me who had a very difficult pregnancy which ended in a stillbirth. I try not to take it personally, she's just very wrapped up in herself and especially during pregnancy

eaglejulesk · 28/11/2020 18:48

They've acknowledged your baby's birth, so I really don't see what you are complaining about. Honestly, speaking to them simply because they haven't been around gushing over your baby is just ridiculous. You can't expect everyone to perform to your expectations. Maybe just forget about it and enjoy your baby instead of stewing over something so trivial!

bevm72yellow · 28/11/2020 18:48

maybe they have a personal issue on-going that they cannot discuss at time your wee child was born or in the period afterwards. I know from experience an internal family issue which requires confidentiality can be a significant unseen barrier in communication.

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