BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

'Their baby will be my DC’s flesh and blood - we will get them a gift and a card and hope to visit them as we would any other baby in the family.'

Yes good idea. Show them how close family should behave even if they cba.

@tiredybear

His brother wasn't invited to his 30th?! Did the brothers not have something to say about this at the time?!

If BIL is not interested in spending time with his brother, then he's certainly not going to be interested in his brother's baby.

I agree they are being weird but people are weird. The facts seem to be they don't want to spend time with you. You could push for an answer as to why, but it is unlikely to be pleasant for anyone involved.

As hard as it is you will have to learn acceptance to the situation and only see them occasionally.

Congrats on the new baby xx

Our first child was only a few months old at the time. DH asked BIL about it and apparently SIL had thought we wouldn’t want to come with the baby. The party was during the day at their home and we could easily have dropped in, which DH said to BIL at the time. Unfortunately it was a surprise party so neither we nor BIL knew in advance. SIL didn’t ask our opinion. We were sad about that too!

No it isn't normal and especially no comments after you sent pics.
When their baby arrives I hope your DH just sends a text!
It does sound like she has a problem with you both but if your DH doesn't want to try and sort it, leave well alone.

@FestiveChristmasLights

why is a second child less important/special?

There is obviously some back story with SIL but you cannot compare their reaction to a baby born pre pandemic and a baby born in lockdown when she is now heavily pregnant. The context is completely different. If you want a good relationship you need to work on it. I would take it a your bils responsibility to call if you are wanting to lay the blame anywhere.

@FrightClub

How big was the 30th birthday party? If it was 150 people including all immediate family that's a bit of a drip feed.

It was maybe 50 or so friends? They had a garden party with cake and then went out in the evening. Family didn’t come but they all live hours away. We live 15mins away and it would have been so easy for us to drop in for the garden party bit. We know most of BIL’s close friends very well as we used to live with BIL and DH also knows many from school.

[quote lilsquish]@FestiveChristmasLights

why is a second child less important/special?[/quote]
To me? It isn’t. However, in my experience many people seem to make more of a fuss in terms of gifts and checking in when it’s a couple’s first child. Perhaps the assumption that people are more prepared with a better idea of what to expect after their first, already have what they need from their first and generally are busy entertaining their eldest or older children. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should move on. It seems they have and it really isn't worth your energy.

Whilst generally l think that you shouldn't let other people influence how you behave, they may well think you are being overbearing. Maybe back off a bit. You can't force a relationship with them and trying to do so will only cause resentment.

I think you have to adjust your expectations here. You are setting yourself up to get hurt by wanting something that isn´t there. There is nothing in your past experiences with this couple to suggest that the cousins will grow up close together and yet you are hoping for that. Past experience with them made it likely that they weren´t going to make a fuss over your baby, and now you are disappointed that they haven´t. The problem isn´t actually your SiL. It sounds like she has been consistent in her behaviour towards you, it just isn´t what you would like it to be.

Wishing people to be something they aren´t is a sure way to disappointment and hurt, and you are doing it to yourself with your unrealistic expectations. Don´t talk to them about it, that will only lead to further alienation.

'They didn’t even reply when we sent photos of the baby.'

I mean that is just weird. You'd say oh gorgeous or similar wouldn't you.

OP, the more you do for them the less they will value you.

You invite them to lunch every couple of months and they never invite you back let alone to BIL’s 30th!

They don’t even bother with a card or present for your baby yet you insist on getting them a present.

They have you down as mugs.

Could they be jealous that you’re having a baby so close to theirs?

This. MN is very strange about this kind of thing. Of course it's not normal to barely even acknowledge the arrival of a new niece/nephew, unless there's some huge backstory/family rift etc.

Yep, I'm reading some of the posts on this thread with a WTF? look on my face.

My sibling and my DH's were really happy and enthusiastic about the arrival of their nieces, as we were when their babies arrived. When my granddaughter arrived, both her parents' siblings were thrilled, and still make a fuss over her.

No way would the first photo of the new member of the family be ignored. Jeeze, ten seconds and a few keystrokes is all it takes these days.

There are lots of threads on how families don't deliver up. Mostly they don't, toxic resentments rear their head, old stuff emerges, PIL and in-laws play things up for their own benefit. Don't bother hoping for cousins to hang out together just let them off to do their own thing. She clearly holds the power now and he won't push back. Enjoy your baby, those years fly, don't complicate it.

I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time. Unless you have an absolutely shit relationship, it is very normal to want to see a new nephew or niece. One of our Nephew’s was born during lockdown and it was hard not to be able to meet him straight away but we did lots of zoom calls and were able to see him on video once out of hospital. A text would have been quite rightly seen as a snub.

Sometimes siblings aren't close more so when they start their own families. I'm closer to db1 but not close with db2 and they live far away.

I also don't see why people are calling you high maintenance - it's weird not to respond to photos of the baby at the very least. I do agree that second baby tends to get less attention and maybe cut them some slack that it's been 2 weeks and lockdown and pregnancy and stressful job etc. must all be hard for her, but not answering to photos is plain weird. Totally normal to want to see the baby. I have been super excited for friends' second babies born in lockdown and would have happily visited if we lived nearer, definitely got present and card.

As someone who has been accused of being the reason DH doesn't see his family anymore, I can categorically tell you, it's not the SIL who's the issue. I think your BIL probably had issues with you before and he's finally got the confidence to do as he pleases.

Please get over yourselves and realise everyone else's lives do not revolve around yours.

@ Nutbutter

I see exactly what you mean. Your DSIL and BIL have treated her family new addition totally different from your family addition.

I acknowledge the fact that it may simply be because your DSIL expects her husband to do the congratulating/ present/ card etc as it's for his side of the family. (and it might be that you're 'collateral damage' due to their way of organizing who gets cards/gifts for who in their relationship)

I think that if it's bothering you (and it would certainly bother me too !), then I'd suggest talking about it with your BIL and SIL, explaining that you were upset that the only acknowledgement your second born received from them was a text. Tell them you are concerned that you've inadvertently done something to upset them.

At least you'll know exactly where you stand.

I honestly don't understand why people tiptoe around feeling hurt and confused rather than ask the person concerned directly. (I don't mean that in a horrible way at all) Wouldn't it be better to 'clear the air' rather than be quietly upset forever ? Especially as you seem to have been 'slighted' more than once by them !

They're just not that into you.

Talking of ‘calling them out’ - over what, exactly? And writing off the future cousins relationship over this makes you come across as a right drama lama.

I would take the hint. Your SIL isn't obliged to be friends with you, and for whatever reason she clearly doesn't want to be!

The two brothers are responsible for their own relationship. Leave them to it.

@Nutbutter

Oh and for those suggesting we treat them with similar lack of interest when their baby is here, we won’t be doing that. Their baby will be my DC’s flesh and blood - we will get them a gift and a card and hope to visit them as we would any other baby in the family.

Eh?

@gower4

I would take the hint. Your SIL isn't obliged to be friends with you, and for whatever reason she clearly doesn't want to be!

The two brothers are responsible for their own relationship. Leave them to it.

This!

Because this is Mumsnet, you'll get a barrage of contrary posters telling you you are entitled, hard work and that their rudeness is somehow your fault.

Sending only a text in the first few weeks after the birth of a baby within the immediate family is rude. It takes no effort whatsoever to order a token gift or send a proper message in a more fitting format.

However SIL probably had a lot on her plate given her circumstances and I was extremely antisocial in late pregnancy, so I can sympathise with her potentially not wanting to visit. I'd have said they might have been waiting for an invite or go ahead from you to visit but from what you said it doesn't sound like they are.

Honestly take the high road here, even if you ask if there is a problem there is a likelihood they may not tell you. Just recipricate the absolute baseline effort youve received and leave your DH to communicate with his brother. For whatever reason you aren't compatible and trying to analyse why will drive you mad.

Congrats on baby op.
Sorry you are feeling this way!
Unfortunately stuff like this happens for no apparent reason! Maybe sil didn't like bil being close to you guys, I've seen it happen where the sil is almost jealous and thus prevents that relationship and that's how the distance is created.
Some men tend to just follow whatever their other half says. It's possible he suggested to sil to drive by and visit, she declined and he then didn't want to come by himself and have to explain why she didn't come.

I know you want your children's to be close cousins but if she for whatever reason doesn't like you very much, they won't be able to have that close relation.
It's really sad, and it's the children that suffer.