BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

OP do you like SIL and BIL as people? If they weren't family would you want to be friends with them?

What some people from tightly-knit families sometimes don't understand is that not all families work like that. Some people prioritise relationships with those they click with, not those they happen to be related to. It doesn't mean you can't have a perfectly pleasant, if slightly more distant, relationship.

If you're not used to that it may be sad that you're not going to get the close family relationship you assumed but bringing up the subject definitely won't help! Stay polite and pleasant, maybe a stronger relationship will develop - or maybe it won't. Focus on relationships which are more reciprocal.

(Also - maybe they made more of a fuss over younger BIL because it was his first child? The more children you already have the less people outside of your household tend to care!)

It is weird and hurtful but frankly nothing you can do and saying anything will make it all worse. You need to find a way to move on from it and make a good life for your family.

And the fact that they went all out for other BIL makes all the comments about “no one cares about other people’s/second babies” irrelevant here.

No it doesn’t. That baby wasn’t born in lockdown.

@emilyfrost

And the fact that they went all out for other BIL makes all the comments about “no one cares about other people’s/second babies” irrelevant here.

No it doesn’t. That baby wasn’t born in lockdown.

Well then the reason would be lockdown, not the fact it’s a second baby?!

@EmilyFrost

The birth of a child is not only exciting for parents and grandparents.

And whats with all this pandemic shit?? how is that stopping people being thoughtful and nice to each other.

You sound delightful

@emilyfrost

And the fact that they went all out for other BIL makes all the comments about “no one cares about other people’s/second babies” irrelevant here.

No it doesn’t. That baby wasn’t born in lockdown.

There is still post. There are still deliveries.

If you cared you would find a way. And post and delivery requires far less effort than a trip of a couple of hundred miles.

It is absolutely clear that BiL and SiL, for whatever reason, are not bothered about his brother, the OP or their children. And considering they were close before it is understandable the OP is hurt. And it's nothing to do with hormones!

I can't believe there's actual people tht think second babies are not that interesting or exciting. Are you people for real? I've never heard anyone in real life say that EVER.
A new addition to a family is always so exciting! Unless your an absolute weird human!

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and confused. I would too, in your position.

A few thoughts:
Good that you plan to be affectionate and effusive re their baby when it comes. Their reaction will give you a sense of whether things are likely to get better. Presumably, post Covid vaccine, there will be lots of opportunities for you and SIL to do baby groups etc together so you’ll find out soon enough what she really thinks. She might even have not been that keen on you before but change her mind. Important thing is for you to be the bigger person.

Maybe the reason they made the effort to visit other BIL was because so far away and required more planning. Also, you say he is in home town- did it possibly coincide with them announcing their pregnancy to the parents? On the other hand, you are so close they probably feel like they can see you any time with not much preparation. With pandemic that is obviously not true but poss they are still in that mindset?

Is it possible that SIL has been reading lots of Mumsnet as her oregano act has advanced and has picked up this idea that new parents do not enact to be disturbed at all for about a month after a baby is born?

Maybe as their own baby gets to be a more real prospect they have less interest in other people’s?

Oregano act!? Pregnancy!!