BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

Did the other brother have a baby in lockdown too then?

It may have escaped your notice but people haven’t been able to go inside each other’s houses, added to which it’s bloody freezing outside. I have no doubt they might have thought that bringing a baby out into the cold just so they could see it from afar was a bit too much to expect.

@katy1213

She's pregnant - it's a pandemic - and if they'd turned up on your doorstep on day 3, I guess you'd have been complaining about that, too. People aren't obliged to be interested in your baby. A close relationship between cousins depends on the cousins (still unborn) and hasn't been ruled out after two weeks. And if you 'called me out' for not toeing the line and visiting sooner - that'd be it for the future. Congratulations on the baby - but you do sound like the Virgin Mary complaining that the Magi are dragging their heels to pay their respects.

Ha Virgin Mary! Ok this is all helpful perspective - I’m probably a bit hormonal still. We’ve had years of feeling a bit sad that they don’t seem to want to spend time with us and I’d naively hoped that being pregnant at the same time as SIL would bring us closer together, but clearly that was wrong.

I wouldn’t have complained if they’d been here on day 3 btw - I would have loved to see them. Oh and SIL is a teacher so hasn’t been isolating at all.

Ooooh a brief text is quite impersonal. Even a phone call would have been nicer I think.

But, if your DH doesn't want to say anything right now then i wouldn't. He's his brother.

You may find things change when they have their baby. Maybe they have had a miscarriage in the past and are really anxious? Or something else they haven't told you. I'd leave it and give them the benefit. They aren't actively hurting you, and maybe things will draw you naturally back together soon. If you go in all guns blazing that is a lot less likely to happen.

"Call them out" is a dreadful expression. Leave well alone. SIL is probably using her PFB as an excuse not to see anyone - not just you.

I’d leave it tbh.

Let the brothers sort out their relationship

Concentrate on your friends who do want to know you and your baby

My sister has just got a puppy. Now I am very upset that I haven’t yet got to meet it. Far more so than I would bee if she’d had a baby.

We are in a national lockdown. No-one should have been visiting. I also wouldn’t visit a new family member at this time even though I’d be desperate to. Why not talk to your brother like an adult rather than ‘call him out’?

When my babies were a fortnight old I didn't have time or inclination to notice or care what anybody outside our home was doing.

It’s up to BIL to drive the relationship.

If SIL is teaching and pregnant and with COVID it’s unlikely she has any energy left.

I think you are focusing on stuff that doesn't matter

There are a million reasons why they might not have come around - all of which have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with you

Just get on with enjoying your family and leave them be - if someone "called me out" for not complying with their unspecified and unspoken levels of visitation / congratulations, I'd think they were completely bonkers

I’ve just re-read my message and it sounded harsher than I meant - sorry. I do sympathise, honestly, but I do also think you need to talk to your brother about how you feel rather than chastise him.

Yes I'd feel a bit snubbed on behalf of my DH and baby. We send gifts and cards and visit when we can. I didn't have any cousins and have been amazed and really touched by how close my kids are to their cousins.

But I think you have to accept that you won't have the relationship you want right now.
Who knows how things will be once they've had their child. Leave the door open and don't give it too much headspace - accept and move on.
Congratulations on your baby!

Oh and SIL is a teacher so hasn’t been isolating at all.

   maybe that's exactly why she and BIL are keeping away from your newborn?

Call them out - Why?
Because they didn't choose to shower you/new baby with gifts that you expected - or because they read and observe the guidelines about social distancing?

Op I think this is pregnancy hormones. It’s only been two weeks, and in the middle of lock down. The way you’re talking it has been years. I think you’re making a lot of assumptions here about the future relationship of the cousins, one who isn’t even born yet.

Try to calm down, they acknowledged your baby. Try not to read too much into it and project into the future.

I wouldn’t have complained if they’d been here on day 3 btw - I would have loved to see them. Oh and SIL is a teacher so hasn’t been isolating at all.

Blimey, so she's in a high risk job and you'd still want her around your 3 day old baby?

Ok “call them out” isn’t the right expression - as I said in the text of my OP what I really mean is whether we have a conversation with them about whether there’s a reason they don’t seem to want a close relationship with us/if we’ve done something wrong or if it’s just really that they’re busy and there’s nothing behind it. The new baby thing is just a recent concrete example of how they don’t seem bothered about us, whereas previously we were really close.

I fully agree it’s up to BIL to drive it and feel like any convo should really be between BIL and DH. DH isn’t keen though so I guess we just leave it and accept things as they are.

Could they be waiting for you to invite them at a specific time? If you’ve fallen into a habit that all contact is initiated by you maybe they think you wouldn’t welcome them dropping round unannounced or suggesting times?

Obviously, when they have their baby just send a text saying congrats!

Could they be not wanting to intrude and waiting for an invite?

@WorraLiberty

I wouldn’t have complained if they’d been here on day 3 btw - I would have loved to see them. Oh and SIL is a teacher so hasn’t been isolating at all.

Blimey, so she's in a high risk job and you'd still want her around your 3 day old baby?

No one who has visited has been anywhere near the baby - local friends have dropped stuff off and had a look at her through the window. We haven’t been breaking lockdown.

I also don’t expect BIL and SIL to come and visit, even a phone call would have been nice.

Ask (if it’s allowed) would they like to meet up for a socially distanced walk before their baby arrives.
See what response you get.

The new baby thing is just a recent concrete example of how they don’t seem bothered about us, whereas previously we were really close

Op it really isn’t a concrete example. I’m sorry. But it’s not.

I think you just have to accept that there isn't going to be the relationship you want OP. YANBU to feel this way, but they haven't technically done anything wrong (they did acknowledge the birth) I have exactly the same with my brother; when his first dc was born I threw a party for them, acknowledge all occasions whereas he has never shown any interest in mine. Ds was seriously I'll in hospital last year and not even a text asking about him. It really hurts as we were very close with our cousins.

Its a shame op especially as they obviously click with the other brother and sil but all you can do is shrug it off. If you mention it they'll get all defensive and that'll make it more awkward. Just focus on friends and leave them to it. Congratulations on your new baby.