BIL and SIL - do we call them out on this?

[Nutbutter]

We’ve just had our second baby 2 weeks ago. DC1 is 18 months. It’s been quite tough in lockdown with no support as all our family live far away and DH is working long hours. The exception is BIL and SIL (DH’s brother and his wife), who live a 15 min drive away. Before BIL was with SIL (he’s been with SIL 4 years and married for 2) we were really close. We’ve always been friendly towards SIL but don’t think she likes us and we only see them now when initiated by us. BIL is happy to let her control his social life and it apparently doesn’t include seeing us much!

Anyway, since the baby was born BIL has only texted congrats. All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep. I feel really offended that BIL and SIL basically haven’t acknowledged their new nephew. To be clear, it’s not the lack of gift that’s upset me but the fact that it shows they don’t care about us, which I find really sad. By contrast, when their other brother had a baby earlier this year BIL and SIL travelled the significant distance to see them.

I feel like we should speak to them and basically ask if there’s something we’ve done to offend them. DH just wants to let it go and accept that his bro doesn’t want a close relationship with us anymore.

So as not to drip feed, they are expecting their first baby in the new year. I was really hoping the cousins could be close.

I would feel the same OP. They are being quite unkind and not what you would expect from close family. Don’t bother calling them out because you will somehow end up looking like the bad one. Instead, stop investing your time and emotions into them. Put in the same effort they put in and focus on those people who care about you.

Oh and my ex sister in law has always disliked me, but our kids are incredibly close, they live nearby so all go to school together, it's very lovely 😊

'usually hate the phrase but you really sound like hard work given current circumstances.'

Yes perish the thought someone senses that supposedly close family members aren't interested in them 🙄. Just do what half of mn do and go full NC op

Seriously though, you've just had a baby it is completely normal to be feeling a bit sensitive particularly in these grim times. I think the sil just isn't that interested and sadly there's not a lot you can do about that.

@TooLittleTooLate80

I usually hate the phrase but you really sound like hard work given current circumstances.

Thanks for the feedback...accept that I’m coming across like that. But what do you mean by “current circumstances” - yes we are in lockdown but they both have secure jobs and are very well off. SIL’s pregnancy has been plain sailing so far (according to her and PILs). I suppose there may be things we don’t know about, but the fact that this has been happening over years makes me doubt that.

Covid is becoming such an annoying excuse for not showing manners.

When did sending a card and gift "straight to recipient" become a thing that covid prevents?

And when did "I wont ring in case it is inconvenient" get to be a valid excuse not to ring AT ALL?? Er.....answerphones have existed for quite a while now if not convenient

The Covid excuse is a gift to lazy people

All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep.

How many of those were men, doing it completely off their own bat?

Perhaps you've found your solution there. She probably doesn't want the "Wife work" he's given her.

I think it's unfortunately due to the fact it's your second baby. People don't make a fuss over the second. Plus, the pandemic and lockdown can't help. Try not to worry about it and enjoy your baby.

Bit awkward calling them out on it; just do the exact same when they have theirs

Blimey, Nutbutter, it's only been two weeks since your baby was born!

Maybe they have stuff going on in their lives.

My brother and his wife also had their baby two weeks ago. I sent congratulation texts and it was made really clear that nobody was to see the baby due to the risk of covid. Everybody agreed and was happy to keep baby safe and have a lifetime of cuddles once it was over. Everybody respected it. I took over a home made meal and presents and left it all on the doorstep. Not one thanks but I didn’t do it for thanks so that’s okay.

We then find out the SIL has bubbled up with her relatives... another words, “picked” her parents and siblings to be a support network. So nobody on my brothers side has met baby but all the other side of the family have. We’ve had a couple of texts on WhatsApp but no FaceTime as SIL dosent want to see anyone (!?)

Our side wasn’t invited to the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby shower. (It is their first!)

SIL ran out of things needed like breast pads and I dropped some over (40 mins away). Not a thank you.

I decided to completely pull away. No meals, no errands and to accept that this is as close as me and my brother will be, as sad as it is to accept. He wouldn’t appreciate me asking why things are the way they are and he would always naturally take his wife’s side. It is never a conversation that will happen and then all fine and dandy. If you say anything to your BIL or SIL, it’ll create even more distance.

Sometimes, also, it isn’t always about what is happening or not happening now, this might just be something that has been building up and this is the latest thing that has made you feel hurt. Letting go of what we really hoped for (close cousins, close relationships, supportive network) and accepting to live with what we really didn’t want, because ultimately, we can’t change people and not everyone wants to same, whether family or not.

Concentrate on your own family unit, invest time in people that matter the most and forget about the ones that don’t bother.

You're expecting them to make the first move, and then getting annoyed that they haven't. If we're going to get into 'what most people do' surely most people would eventually respond to his text with another?

"Hi bro! When's a good time to Facetime with you so you can meet the new baby?"

(oh, and when he responds and you facetime with him, make sure you have all the cards and stuff behind you, if you want to give him a nudge!)

All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep.

In all honesty, this sounds relentlessly intrusive to me to have happened in the immediate two weeks after having a baby. I absolutely relished peace and quiet after having my babies and didn’t realise that wasn’t normal. That’s without covid and anxieties around too many people and deliveries.

@saraclara

You're expecting them to make the first move, and then getting annoyed that they haven't. If we're going to get into 'what most people do' surely most people would eventually respond to his text with another?

"Hi bro! When's a good time to Facetime with you so you can meet the new baby?"

We did of course reply (on our WhatsApp group) and say thank you and sent some pictures of the baby and asked how they were doing - they didn’t reply. We should suggest a call though.

@ImPrincessAurora if we have inadvertently offended them, wouldn’t it be a good idea to try to clear the air? The resounding answer seems to be no though so I have taken that on board!

Op, I think you’ve made your mind up and no one is going to convince you other wise. There is nothing to be offended about here. They are doing the sensible thing and not coming round. Clearly you’ve different expectations but this doesn’t mean there is any air to clear, nor does it mean there is an issue, just you think they should be behaving a certain way and they aren’t, many people will agree their approach.

All families are different. All members of families are different. Everyone has there own thoughts and ways of doing things. Expectations of behaviour often results in disappointment. I can understand your confusion, especially as you used to be close to him, but I think you just have to accept how things are now.

@WorraLiberty

All other family members have sent presents and cards and called us for facetimes, and all our local friends have dropped round food and come to say hello to the baby on the doorstep.

How many of those were men, doing it completely off their own bat?

Perhaps you've found your solution there. She probably doesn't want the "Wife work" he's given her.

Yes good point - all women 🤣. SIL has really embraced the “wife work” though. She weirdly is constantly talking about how incompetent BIL is at that stuff, when actually he was perfectly capable of it before he met her. It’s like she takes pride in being the one to organise his life. This is all obviously very convenient for BIL!

I wonder whether her family do things very differently to yours and as a result, it comes across as a bit rude and lacking in interest to you whereas other people might be a bit overwhelmed and fed up with the amount of contact you feel is normal.

[quote Bluntness100]**@ImPrincessAurora if we have inadvertently offended them, wouldn’t it be a good idea to try to clear the air? The resounding answer seems to be no though so I have taken that on board!

Op, I think you’ve made your mind up and no one is going to convince you other wise. There is nothing to be offended about here. They are doing the sensible thing and not coming round. Clearly you’ve different expectations but this doesn’t mean there is any air to clear, nor does it mean there is an issue, just you think they should be behaving a certain way and they aren’t, many people will agree their approach.[/quote]
I don’t want them to come round to visit! I just want them to act like they care that they have a new nephew. They are treating us differently from how they treated other family members and I feel sad about that. I wondered whether it was worth speaking to them and the consensus seems to be no, which I accept. I do not accept however that I have nothing to be offended about - in the context of our family their behaviour is odd.

Honestly you sound very high maintenance and your insistence on attention from your husbands brother is just odd. Some people can’t win, visit early after a baby and be shot, leave it a few weeks and your some sort of uncaring monster. The only rational explanation for your feeling are hormones. You should be helping your DH to see this as his brother being a bit insensitive not driving a massive wedge between them by banging on about how awful it is. Division in families helps no one.

But maybe in the context of your sil family it is not.

I’m sure they will come see you when lock down is over. Honestly really try not to over think this. They will be thinking they will come round when lock down is over or are waiting for an invite as they don’t want to intrude, particularly as she’s a teacher and could transmit Covid.

You really need to understand that because peoooe do things differently to you or don’t meet your expectations then this does not mean they don’t like you.

If your BIL isn’t bothered about meeting up with you and your SIL already has a group of friends + her own family And BIL is happy to go along with whatever she plans then what do you expect?

I’d plan to see my family/friends everyday over seeing my partners Family.

@Astella22

Honestly you sound very high maintenance and your insistence on attention from your husbands brother is just odd. Some people can’t win, visit early after a baby and be shot, leave it a few weeks and your some sort of uncaring monster. The only rational explanation for your feeling are hormones. You should be helping your DH to see this as his brother being a bit insensitive not driving a massive wedge between them by banging on about how awful it is. Division in families helps no one.

It’s attention from my baby’s aunt and uncle...I don’t think that’s odd. I’ve expressed it as BIL and SIL throughout so not sure why you’re emphasising my “husband’s brother” here.

Also not sure where you’ve got the idea that I’m driving a massive wedge between DH and his brother - I’d actually love to have a good relationship with them, as we used to.

It might be odd to you. But it’s not odd. People do tend to say well done bro. Men are much different than women. They really are. You’ve admitted it’s been all women.

She’s also a teacher. You’ve also got a newborn. There’s also a pandemic going on. She might be worried that your worried about her going round to drop a gift off. I mean people are bleaching post on here!