AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

I think you can’t judge another relationship by your own.

I don’t take the bins out because I negotiated the ironing shirts instead.

I happily take my car to the car wash.

I also do the cooking in exchange for the washing up.

We share the general housework and take a bathroom each.

Nothing is that clear cut.

Sounds to me like the men in these scenarios are the needy ones 🤷‍♀️

Gets popcorn

YANBU to not want to live like that but YABU to get mad about it. Some people like to be needed. And if people are being taken advantage of then that’s their problem, not yours. Let them live their life and you live yours.

It’s not just women who manipulate others, claim learned helplessness or take advantage.

Is it?

Have a think about your ingrained assumptions.

I generally err on the side of being very impressed that these women have managed to organise their lives to everyone does everything for them! I'm stuck doing all my own boring shit, maybe i should be needier and then I'd never have to clean the toilet.

I agree with pp, I never do the bins or put air in my car tyres etc but my dh my never picks up an iron. It's about compromise and you don't know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship situation.

How do you know the chores arnt shared? My husband does the bins but cant wipe down the sink and work surface properly so I do that.

Well I agree with you OP.

Round my way there are scores of smug, kept women who have never lifted a finger in their adult life, let alone done a day's work.

Am I bitter? Maybe a bit, yes. I've worked and paid my way my whole life, including when married, but I don't get the brand new Chelsea tractor or the Vuitton bags (not that I'd actually want those, dreadful tacky things).

On the whole and contrary to my tone, I don't tend to let it bother me. But life sure ain't fair.

I have never come across a woman like those you describe.
I have met plenty of needy pathetic manipulative men though.
Maybe it balances out.

Or...you could say they're excellent at delegating. They should be running companies if they can so easily get people to do do stuff for them.,

I think yabu - you don’t get a relationship like that unless in some way it’s working for both parties.

I don’t know why not doing the bins or anything else you said is needy or manipulative. Perhaps they asked their partner to do XYZ and their partner agreed because they love them. Perhaps their partner does the bins but they do the bulk of the childcare.

Yes many people can do everything themselves but what is the actual point if people that love us are willing to help do the things we’d rather not, and we’re not taking the piss? This applies to both women and men.

It sounds like you expect everyone to be a martyr.

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

YABU
Most people do the things they are willing to do, and get other people to do the rest.
My DH does bins, car stuff and finances because he's organised and I'm rubbish. He also does laundry and school runs for practical reasons. I bring other things to the relationship. I work full time and he's retired, for example. I cook, and I do all the shopping, planning trips, events, holidays and fun stuff.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

The poor man was cooking?? All on his own? Could he do that even though he has a penis?

Is this bin-objecting husband cleaning the toilet 50% of the time? The fuck he is.

Barry, if that is indeed your real name it is.

I agree OP, I have a friend like this. She doesn't just do it to her partner though, she does it to everyone. It's always "oh can you do this for poor little old me" because she's not tried to do it for herself! It's not just women either. Adults should have a fair amount of independence and a motivation to at least try! I don't feel sorry for people who make themselves helpless.

@arethereanyleftatall I didn't mean it that way. But his wife was seated at the table, with the rest of us (about ten people) while he cooked, served and everything else and she didn't lift a finger. A few glances among the guests were exchanged so it wasn't just me thinking it was odd...

I think it's not just women who are like it but some people in general certainly are. It'd be interesting to see how they think they will cope when they end up having to do it all themselves the in the future.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

So what? Maybe she’s less organised. I’m sure there’s occasions I’ve done something like that and times my husband has.

I’ve noticed that women are a lot harsher on other women. I remember once I’d had an exhausting week at work and with the kids because my husband was working away. So on the weekend when we went round to the in laws for Sunday lunch my husband picked up the slack with watching the kids appreciating that I had had no support that week and just wanted a break. By the tone of the snide comments my MIL and her female friends were making you would think I had abandoned my children and left my husband a single dad, and you would think my husband was tending to orphaned kids he had singlehandedly rescued from a burning building.

Women get judged much harsher than men so that may cloud your judgement.

Is it really that far of a stretch to see that other people wish to live differently to you ?

I don't really see why it would get you mad, it very well may be the exact opposite to the way you wish to live, but by no means somethings that should take up enough of your head space to get you mad.

[quote BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]@arethereanyleftatall I didn't mean it that way. But his wife was seated at the table, with the rest of us (about ten people) while he cooked, served and everything else and she didn't lift a finger. A few glances among the guests were exchanged so it wasn't just me thinking it was odd...[/quote]
Would you have thought it odd if it was the woman is this situation who cooked and served whilst the man sat there?

The poor man was cooking?? All on his own? Could he do that even though he has a penis?

I wonder if it fell off afterwards. I've heard that doing "wimmins' work" can be very emasculating for the poor dears.