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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

344 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 26/11/2020 18:03

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

OP posts:
Springfern · 28/11/2020 10:03

YABU, it's usually the reverse, the women doing everything for the man and nobody asks 'where does he get the guts to behave like that'

AuntyPonsonby · 28/11/2020 10:04

I tend to agree, OP, and I know what you mean, but I just avoid being manipulated. If others want to play along with the princess syndrome I don't feel particularly aggrieved personally.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 28/11/2020 10:04

@DorisDaisyMay

I agree. I am neither needy or incapable but I live up to the standard set by the op for ‘needy and incapable’.

I don’t wash my car, I don’t do the bins, I would let my husband dish up and serve while my nails are drying.

There is nothing wrong with building the life you want with your own partner.

Op needs to reflect on why this triggers her so much?

I can't even drive Grin Since my lifestyle doesn't really require it , I have no interest in being able to either.
Mrsfrumble · 28/11/2020 10:12

Agree that OP pissed on her own chips with the examples she provided. Not one of them shows the woman as being needy, incapable or manipulative.

Also I think being able to successfully manipulate others to do the things you don’t want to is the opposite of incapable, isn’t it? It requires intelligence, cunning and good social skills. I’m not saying it’s admirable behaviour, but it implies anything but helplessness.

Mrsfrumble · 28/11/2020 10:14

I can’t drive either. Thankfully I can manipulate the strong, manly bus driver into taking me where I need to go by flashing my Oyster card at his card reader machine.

Rosebel · 28/11/2020 10:14

Well presumably if these men weren't happy it they wouldn't do these things or be in a relationship with these women.
Just because you know these women don't fool yourself that you know the ins and outs of their relationship. Maybe their husbands don't want them to work. Maybe they expect their wives to look perfect at all times. You just don't know.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/11/2020 10:49

@Mrsfrumble

I can’t drive either. Thankfully I can manipulate the strong, manly bus driver into taking me where I need to go by flashing my Oyster card at his card reader machine.
Ooh you temptress, that poor man Grin
WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/11/2020 13:21

I wonder if these were women with really good dads and so they expect someone to love them and look after them? not in my case. My dad was and is amazing. Part of being a good parent is teaching your child to be independent and teaching life skills. It's interesting how you think a good dad is someone who teaches their daughter to be dependent on someone but the majority blame the mother of men who are dependent on women.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 28/11/2020 13:37

I didn’t have my dad around

But knew I could twist men around my little my little finger if I played the I need you to look after me.

I’ve always been independent and have managed bringing up ds by myself along with owning my own place and I have a good job - so very capable

But it’s helped at time’s did the men feel used of course not it played into their need to want to play a role too

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 28/11/2020 15:11

@Mrsfrumble

I can’t drive either. Thankfully I can manipulate the strong, manly bus driver into taking me where I need to go by flashing my Oyster card at his card reader machine.
😀
namochangoro · 28/11/2020 16:45

My DH is doing dinner. It's salad and lasagna from the freezer which I made last week. I do know whether to be ashamed of myself or not...Grin

namochangoro · 28/11/2020 16:46

Do not know. Duh!!!

lovepickledlimes · 28/11/2020 17:06

This thread has got me thinking about the way other people treat me. It does seem like people are very keen to do stuff for me or pay for stuff me though I never make such requests.

I am to a certain extend treated very much like a child and sheltered by some people around me. That is not to say I don't do anything at all but I have noticed if I go out for a meal or drink a lot of times other people being very quick to pay for my drink even though I do always offer to pay, or have a habit of opening car doors for me though I never requested this, most awkward one for me was when I went for a meal at a family friend's house and it seemed their sons had been instructed to serve the food onto my plate or that they filled my drinks etc. I never asked to be treated like this but this does seem to be a genuine default treatment I get from people around me etc

MushMonster · 28/11/2020 17:17

I am more of a 50/50 person myself, but I cannot understand what your issue is with other women, and later, men that you feel take less than 50% of the work/ responsibility in their lives. Live and let live.
If they and their families are happy, nothing wrong there.
In the dinner example you give, she was not being supportive of her partner if he was visibly struggling, and that would apply to her or any man who does not help when cooking and hosting.

TikTokFinger · 28/11/2020 20:54

NOt RTFT but I’m definitely a needy/manipulative women based on your definition in the OP. I have my husband do all of those things and more.
Unashamedly so.

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2020 22:27

@MushMonster

I am more of a 50/50 person myself, but I cannot understand what your issue is with other women, and later, men that you feel take less than 50% of the work/ responsibility in their lives. Live and let live. If they and their families are happy, nothing wrong there. In the dinner example you give, she was not being supportive of her partner if he was visibly struggling, and that would apply to her or any man who does not help when cooking and hosting.
For sure, but maybe she was fed up with her husband inviting people round when she had already pointed out 10 times it’s a lot of work and there’s re xmas presents to buy and the shed needs sorting and I really wanted to get some mending done so honestly if you didn’t ask you are doing it all this time!

My dh brought me breakfast in bed this morning.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 28/11/2020 23:02

@MushMonster

I am more of a 50/50 person myself, but I cannot understand what your issue is with other women, and later, men that you feel take less than 50% of the work/ responsibility in their lives. Live and let live. If they and their families are happy, nothing wrong there. In the dinner example you give, she was not being supportive of her partner if he was visibly struggling, and that would apply to her or any man who does not help when cooking and hosting.
Or a very likely scenario

Him: oh I've invited so and so and so and so for dinner.
Her: again? I told you i have to do x,y,z/ i want some time to myself/x people are already coming! I keep telling you to not do this without warning me.
Him: oh come on, what's the big deal? It's just dinner?
Her: what's the big deal? Really? Well you're just going to found out darling, since you'll be cooking for all of us.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/11/2020 23:04

Strange I've not met any women like this but do know an awful lot who run themselves ragged for lazy men.

Do you think perhaps you have internalised misogyny? Seems that way to me

LuaDipa · 29/11/2020 15:56

@Sexnotgender

Given that women as a sex do the vast majority of shitty unpaid work in the world, I think the fact you’re getting upset at the tiny minority who are getting other people to do stuff for them is shining a light on your inner misogynist.
This.

As an adult I was bullied by a woman. The trigger seemed to be when I mentioned in passing that dh brought me a coffee in bed every morning, and then I went on quite an expensive trip with the girls. I was a sahm at the time. From this she deduced that I was a spoiled princess living the life of riley and proceeded to exclude me and gossip about me.

She knew nothing else about our situation. Dh was away quite a lot at the time and the girls break was for a one-off special occasion. Not that it was any of her business either way. But she made a judgement and tried to make my life hell based on that, which is frankly pathetic. Fortunately I have some great friends and family and lots of support so even her best efforts didn’t really have much effect, but I cannot understand a self-professed feminist going to such lengths to bring another woman down.

What I find truly interesting is that even if you are correct op, why does this bother you so much? It is extremely rare for a woman to have a man running around after her, it is much more common for a man’s life to be facilitated by a woman, so why does this rare instance bother you more than the much more common (and in my opinion much more offensive) alternative?

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