AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

Hope she doesn’t invite these guests again if they were all so aghast at her not doing the cooking.

I don’t wash my own car - I pay some one to do it because I can’t be arsed.
I don’t take the bins out, because they are dirty, and I have kids who need to pull their weight around the house.
I always used to tell my husband what I wanted, he was crap at presents.
I’m not remotely needy.

Ah, the internalised misogyny is strong with this one.

It’d a two way process that is going on you are only wanting to

These women (have been one of them) fulfill a need in others to feel needed/wanted/relied on

There are plenty of men that love to feel that are taking care of their women (don’t worry about the men I'm sure many are looked after in others ways that may not be so obvious)

Meant to say you are only really wanting to view it’s one sided and view the woman negatively

I've never come across any women like this. You're hanging out with the wrong people!

Too fucking right I'm not taking the bins out! I can do it - I choose not to. I didn't get a husband and 3 sons for nothing you know
Seriously, how many men do you know who feign helplessness and their wives are doing all the ironing/cooking etc. I've met a few!

Hahah where can I find one of these men please?
As a totally exhausted, skint and stressed single mum , I'm a little bit jealous !

There are needy women out there. But there are also needy men who spend their lives pretending to be useless so their wives will do everything for them. Men who cannot work a washing machine. Or cook their own dinner. Or operate a hoover.

I’d say it would be fair to drop the misogyny, and say that adults should be able to do things for themselves and not be useless. They definitely shouldn’t pretend to be useless to get other people to do things for them.

That doesn’t mean that everyone must do everything for themselves or refuse help from/to help others. Just that no one should go around pretending they are incapable of taking the car to a car wash or unable to figure out how to put a wash on. And everyone should be able to make a decent enough meal.

”one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.”

Yeah right, the poor wee guy

This is ridiculous – you can’t claim this guy has no agency or free will of his own. He’s chosen to pay for something for his partner, and it’s their business. Same in the other examples you give. Why do you even care?

Also, why is this ire directed at women specifically, rather than just people in general who you believe to be manipulative and lazy?

YABU

If you haven't seen a thousand threads about lazy man children who do fuck all then you need to look around more. Some people are twats, their sex is not relevant.

Erm there are plenty if men who get women to do all the cleaning, childcare, cooking, organisational load... etc etc. It's not just women! What a ridiculous thing to say

Kind of feel the same way but we are kind of shooting ourselves in the foot. I kind of admire these women. The solution is to take their example rather than letting it stew us inside. Let people do stuff for you occasionally rather than being a martyr and feeling bitter.

I agree. I can't talk to these types of women, let alone have them as friends. Really, we push other children out of our vaginas, we can certainly take the bin out or work hard enough to be financially independent.

Plenty of male idiots around. Really, I expect better from women.

Yeah...the boobs are only a treat for HER... ... ...oh wait.

Why keep a dog and bark yourself.

My husband takes out the bins and does the car, I clean the bathroom, do the washing, mop the floors. Oh, and he may cook a sunday lunch while I paint my nails as I cook every other day of the week.

I know some lazy fucked up men, who expect their wives or girlfriends to work all day, deal with the kids, clean the house and then cook him dinner, while he sits on his arse all day playing x box.

Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves?
Where do these men find the guts to behave like this?

Most DH's I know take out the rubbish- joke! My DH does, don't know why we have fallen in to that. I do cook most nights much to the delight of my appreciative family but often my DH wants to take over as he is very much a 'foodie' and wants to make an eloborate meal that will impress people, particularly if we have guests! A snapshot is not an indicator of women's lives!

People are (deliberately) misunderstanding. OP is not talking about a partnership where chores are shared and each contribute to the home and relationship. She is talking about women who pretend to be helpless airheads who couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain. There is a huge difference between women like this and people in a standard partnership who all muck in. I'm surprised people are missing this.

What would be ideal for you OP? Everyone living the same way as you?

I find it very hard to get worked up about how others choose to do things, probably because I don't notice in the horribly judgmental detail you do. You sound as though you might be a bit stressed or unhappy with your own life?

Live and let live, OP.

I am the woman in this scenario and I absolutely fucking love it. Watching him clean up, do the washing, take the bins out? GOOD. Because I do other stuff and that’s how 50/50 works.

I don’t think people are missing the point - but there’s plenty of men who “don’t know” how to cook, “don’t know” how to change a nappy etc

It’s not that these people don’t exist - it’s that they aren’t exclusively female

I hate driving, I’m scared of it, so I haven’t driven for years. I’ve never washed the car (come to think of it, in all the years I’ve known him neither had DH.. he takes it to the car wash). The car is his domain.

I don’t know why this would bother anyone unless I’m expecting them to drive me about, which I don’t.

You seem so invested in other people’s lives and how they manage the division of labour within their own house when it doesn’t impact you one iota.

Your post smacks of internalized misogyny.