AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

I don't have an issue with men cooking - why should I? It was the fact that he was obviously out of his depth, stressed and anxious about the whole thing

He obviously doesn't cook all the time then, or he wouldn't have been out of his depth, stressed and anxious.

I don’t really understand how the women you give as examples are being manipulative.

Let’s be honest, the man paying for his partner’s boob job is in part doing it for his own desires too! You don’t need to feel sorry for him. He’s thinking with his dick.

Have you heard of love language? Some people naturally gravitate towards placing gifts/surprises high up on their preferences. Whether that’s giving or receiving. It seems like the couples you are referencing have just found people who are compatible with their love language

Loads of people are thick as mince, tbf. And just don't have the cognitive skills, emotional control, etc. etc. to do a job and make a wage on a long-term basis. Not even just thick people, also those who have MH issues, all sorts of disabilities both visible and invisible, etc.

People aren't created equal and they don't grow up with equal opportunities. Not everyone can contribute to capitalism in a neat and tidy way. Some people sort of just need to be taken care of. Human beings like this have always existed in communities, with certain individuals doing much more work / taking more risks / being more responsible / etc than others.

The ones who are financially dependent may be very smug about it sometimes, but they're also very very powerless and often have to work hard to keep the favour of the person who pays their way.

What's the phrase... a woman who marries for money earns every cent?

I am a high earner and pay maintenance to my ex H. He is fairly clever, but has many serious emotional problems, always struggled to hold down a reliable job due to an inability to get along with others, but fairly good at working for himself. As I age, I soften towards him because I can see, now, how pathetic he is and how it's isolated him even though I'm sure he is very smug about how much money I pay him each month.

Looooads of people are like that, of both sexes. Capitalism wasn't designed to suit human beings.

Yeah lots of women I know piss me off. Lots of men too. Surprise surprise both sexes can be selfish twats. And a bit stupid.

To be honest I think it is very hard for a completely unequal relationship where one partner gets no benefits at all to exist in the long term. For most people any relationship be is romantic or friendship there is a balance if the effort you put in is rewarded.

I did have a friend in school who was more then happy to accept gifts and favours from people. I do admit I from time to time induldge her because I found her company pleasant and easy enough to get along with etc.

There is a reason some women get away with it the way they do and that is because the people who do indulge them are getting some kind of benefit from this setup

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

Whatever. You can see from the split in the votes that it's far from being just me thinking this. So if you think it's OK for a woman to play helpless, expect people to do stuff for her, and let them when they do, most of the time, I think you're the ones with the problem. Or you're like those women and that's why you think it's fine. I will continue to have a fair relationship with my partner because that's how I like it.

If you liked it that much it wouldn't bother you what other people do with their relationships/friendships. Or who cooks Sunday dinner.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

Haven’t read the full thread yet but I sincerely hope you know more about this scenario than you let on. That could be me, but I have 1000% done more of the prep work and house cleaning; my husband steps in and finishes up as I get ready. And no I bloody well haven’t had time to do my nails earlier, I was up till 1 the night before tidying and cooking.

There is a reason some women get away with it the way they do and that is because the people who do indulge them are getting some kind of benefit from this setup

I wonder what that might be?! 😂

Yanbu, it'll come back to bite them when they've relied on someone else for everything and then that person trades up for a younger model. Seen it happen twice already. I make sure I can pay for everything on my own way and would be absolutely fine if dh left tomorrow

YABU.

There's women like that, but there's also plenty of cocklodger men out there who can't operate a washing machine.

I can’t understand why any woman would want to be seen as being unable and needy? It’s not sure or twee, it’s just embarrassing.

Cute not sure

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Brilliant post!!!

My DH and I earn about the same,and generally have a very equal relationship.He washes my car every week because he is in to cars and I am not.He normally takes the bins out and always cuts the grass,Shoot me

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I'm absolutely aware that people may share chores and you don't see the split. But there are women who absolutely do very little or bugger all and get others to do it for them. I'm talking people I know first hand. So I know the split isn't even.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

And would you ever say "that poor woman was cooking, serving and looking after the kids because her husband had forgotten they were expecting guests, arrived back late from his cycling hobby and had to shower instead of help!"?

No. Why? Because ecstasy sexism and dumbass gender roles that leave women screwed over with the domestic/mental load and women ready to go 'aww, poor men' if they lift a finger outside their usual sphere.

Ecstasy? Yikes, everyday sexism, obviously 🙄

@Mammylamb

Yeah.... nah...

Couldn’t really give a fuck. You sound a tad jealous

This ^

Yabu you sound very bitter and jealous! I don't take the bins out. I'm not scared of dirt or manipulating my husband. It's just not one of the jobs I do. He doesn't clean the toilet or kitchen, change the bed, cook, dust, do any of this dishes. Is he manipulating me by not doing them?

How exactly do you know those women are manipulative or lazy? Can you see inside their homes ?

@texascactus

I can’t understand why any woman would want to be seen as being unable and needy? It’s not sure or twee, it’s just embarrassing.

Well, that's how you see it, but clearly others take a different view.

Ps I know lots more men who take the piss. Don't help their wives at all so I don't know why you think it's all women!

@TaraRhu

Ps I know lots more men who take the piss. Don't help their wives at all so I don't know why you think it's all women!

The thread title states the thread is about women being needy so I am stating that I don’t understand why a woman would want to be seen as needy or incapable.

i am stating that I don’t understand why a woman would want to be seen as needy or incapable

Sorry, not picking in you but i just thought this was interesting

Its not up to me how i am seen...I don’t want to be seen as needy or incapable and im not needy and incapable but the OP would probably see me as such

The thread title states the thread is about women being needy so I am stating that I don’t understand why a woman would want to be seen as needy or incapable.

But most of the examples OP gave aren't of needy or incapable women.

OH paying for a boob job.
OH cooking and serving a Sunday dinner on his own.
Her sister getting presents from her friends.
Washing the car or whatever.

I agree. I am neither needy or incapable but I live up to the standard set by the op for ‘needy and incapable’.

I don’t wash my car, I don’t do the bins, I would let my husband dish up and serve while my nails are drying.

There is nothing wrong with building the life you want with your own partner.

Op needs to reflect on why this triggers her so much?

Also examples that don't necessarily mean the woman can't do them, just that she doesn't want to do them,so..she doesn't.

I don't want to do certain things either,so I don't.