AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

It isn't balanced out the utter shite women go through in a misogynistic world. Good fucking on them. There will be thousands of downtrodden, mistreated women for every one who has everything done for them.

My friend's husband took two days as annual leave when she visited me because she wouldn't be there to wake him up.

Nothing you've said,or you may say can compare to that!

I think there are in reality many people like this both men and women. I can think of many men who are unable to operate the washing machine,, can't change duvet covers; aren't good at buying gifts etc etc. Similarly, there are some women who can't empty bins, push a lawnmower or whatever. I think that it is condoned more if it conforms to gender stereotypes. People are much more likely to accept that women 'can't' do heavy lifting or that men 'can't' use washer as this fits with traditional stereotypes. Some people like to use these stereotypes to get out of certain chores.

Some people are just very dependent and need to be ‘looked after’. Their partners enable them by going along with it. My mother would never drive unless my father wasn’t around. When we drove to France he did all the driving, even when he felt unwell because she refused. I think it stemmed from a lack of confidence and habit.

There’s nearly always a trade off though.

You think this is just how women (might) behave, OP? Like fuck!

@Sexnotgender

Given that women as a sex do the vast majority of shitty unpaid work in the world, I think the fact you’re getting upset at the tiny minority who are getting other people to do stuff for them is shining a light on your inner misogynist.

This x 1000.

You've got it all wrong..the dynamic of certain relationships can be co-dependent..its not for you to judge what is acceptable?!. You're wasting time worrying about this. I dont envy what any of my married/coupled friends have (they all bitch and whine about their partners and want to change so much)have but most of them feel too lonely/vulnerable/incomplete to be on their own long term and therefore think im the one who's nuts..whatever works

You sound jealous.

My point is about these women not doing their half. Absolutely men should cook and do their fair share. But these are women who do very little. Gym, coffee morning, hairdressers, massages, lunch with friends. At home they do bugger all. That's who I have an issue with. Because they also often complain they have so much on and are so stressed. When there are people who are truly busy and stressed but don't go around complaining. I'm sure there are lazy men too. I just seem to have come across women like this.

You’ve been mixing with the wrong women. They sound awful. Why don’t you mix with women who are more grounded/inspirational/self-aware? Try that. These women you speak of......they’re clearly not your cup of tea

@Ohtherewearethen

People are (deliberately) misunderstanding. OP is not talking about a partnership where chores are shared and each contribute to the home and relationship. She is talking about women who pretend to be helpless airheads who couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain. There is a huge difference between women like this and people in a standard partnership who all muck in. I'm surprised people are missing this.

I don’t think so. How does she know this? She’d only know this if she actually lived with a couple for a serious amount of time to see what the dynamics of their relationship is. And even then, if it’s unequal, what’s it to her? She’s taking things people are saying i passing, filling in the gaps and getting angry about something that doesn’t impact her at all.

For what it’s worth, I think long term relationships are complicated. There have been times with DH when I’ve definitely contributed more (financially, household chore wise etc) and many times when I’ve been contributing far less. I’d hate to be a couple that keeps score - I made the dinner so you have to do the vacuuming - we all do what we are able at the time. I don’t know how an outsider would view my relationship (do I do more or does he?) and frankly I don’t care.

I agree and I find it (unfairly probably) pathetic.

Put up a shelf
Take the bins out
It's not hard!

@Ohtherewearethen

People are (deliberately) misunderstanding. OP is not talking about a partnership where chores are shared and each contribute to the home and relationship. She is talking about women who pretend to be helpless airheads who couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain. There is a huge difference between women like this and people in a standard partnership who all muck in. I'm surprised people are missing this.

Thank you. I had begun to think my OP wasn't clear.

You’re right OP.
There are plenty of men who love it though.
Their pathetic girly manipulative helplessness makes even them feel like superman. The big strong man.
🤮

There's a difference between:

1. People who try and can't physically do something (I tried to put a bike together this week but was worried about safety so asked for help)

1. People who pretend to be useless so someone else does the job (and this applies to men and women)

In my opinion....

"Omg I'm sooooo weak, I can't possibly go to the tip!" Help darling, help.

No. Makes me ashamed to be female.

I even once went for Sunday lunch and the poor guy was cooking and serving because she had forgotten to paint her nails until the last minute and they weren't fully dry yet! Where do these women find the guts to behave like this?

Shameless hussy.

@Ohtherewearethen

People are (deliberately) misunderstanding. OP is not talking about a partnership where chores are shared and each contribute to the home and relationship. She is talking about women who pretend to be helpless airheads who couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain. There is a huge difference between women like this and people in a standard partnership who all muck in. I'm surprised people are missing this.

you have assumed the OP is a woman.

@Ohtherewearethen

People are (deliberately) misunderstanding. OP is not talking about a partnership where chores are shared and each contribute to the home and relationship. She is talking about women who pretend to be helpless airheads who couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain. There is a huge difference between women like this and people in a standard partnership who all muck in. I'm surprised people are missing this.

Most people aren't missing that.

But there are blokes like this too - their brand of "helpless" may not be "airhead" but they definitely pretend they couldn't possibly manage to do anything on their own and don't think twice about manipulating others for their own gain.

As posters are pointing out.

The OP has said there are blokes she knows who

• are paying for a boob job for their girlfriend, or expensive gifts
• cooked and served a Sunday lunch one time without help
• take out the bins and the car to the car wash regularly

Why should anyone care about this? It's a very woman-blaming post.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble I hope you're joking?!!!!!! Oh my god!

And men don't manipulate? Slack off the domestic chores?

I'd find it a refreshing change if I ever went to a friends' house and the man was the one doing all the cooking and serving of the food. I mean the way you say "he was doing ALL the cooking AND all the serving" is curious. Would you be here posting about it if you'd been to a dinner and the woman was doing this? Would it be noteworthy?

And the man slaving away to buy his wife plastic surgery.. I suspect he's got an interest in the outcome. Just a guess

Omg yes it's men too - "Babe, I don't talk on the phone." So can't order a takeaway.

"I can't pay bills." So we do it.

Lame whether you're male or female and an indication you have never had to fend for yourself properly.

I don't know any women like this, I obviously mix in the wrong circles!

I do know lots of men though who get the parenting and household run for them by claiming learned helplessness. I've been really upset to hear yet another friend tell me her husband isn't stepping up with their new baby because he says she does it better/he can't do it.

Learned helplessness is a clever technique, whoever is deploying it. I don''t find it attractive but clearly some do (big man saves woman who can't cope, woman sighs and irons and looks after children for man who just can't manage his own child etc).

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

My point is about these women not doing their half. Absolutely men should cook and do their fair share. But these are women who do very little. Gym, coffee morning, hairdressers, massages, lunch with friends. At home they do bugger all. That's who I have an issue with. Because they also often complain they have so much on and are so stressed. When there are people who are truly busy and stressed but don't go around complaining. I'm sure there are lazy men too. I just seem to have come across women like this.

But why are you angry about them? What's it to you?

You don't have to live with them or bankroll them.

As the kids say, you do you...