To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

It's very unlikely you'll be disappointed when you're in the delivery room and after going through the entire pregnancy. If you find out early when you haven't got a baby in front of you, you're much more likely to feel upset. Plus everyone will be asking you.
I loved not knowing and protecting the sex all the way until birth. Plus gives you time to work out how you will feel.

Why not wait and if you do want to find out sooner you can always book another scan later on.

I firmly believe that you try for a baby because you want a baby, not in the hope that you will have a particular sex. I just find it so sad that parents could be disappointed, deflated or finding it a 'huge blow' that the baby isn't the sex they wanted it. It's almost like creating a barrier to the unconditional love a mother and father usually feel for their child. Sorry it probably wasn't the answer you were looking for but I can't see it from your point of view. To have a healthy baby is the most wonderful result, not what it has between its legs.

@Ohtherewearethen

I firmly believe that you try for a baby because you want a baby, not in the hope that you will have a particular sex. I just find it so sad that parents could be disappointed, deflated or finding it a 'huge blow' that the baby isn't the sex they wanted it. It's almost like creating a barrier to the unconditional love a mother and father usually feel for their child. Sorry it probably wasn't the answer you were looking for but I can't see it from your point of view. To have a healthy baby is the most wonderful result, not what it has between its legs.

A little insensitive if you've never gone through these emotions and the guilt attached to it. There are lots of deep psychological reasons for this, often to do with how women are treated in society. She will adore her boy. It's mourning the loss of a daughter you will never meet

I have two boys and had always hoped for a girl but honestly, now I wouldn’t change it for the world. I LOVE being the only female in the house and my boys are everything I need. Hormones and societal/family pressure make it worse when you’re pregnant.
I’m not sure when it’s best to find out though, sorry. I don’t think there’s a right answer there.

Also you know it's pregnancy hormones op and you know how much you will love this baby regardless.

Have you got any good boys names in your head? Can you think of some fun ones?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Do you think finding out the exact the sex of the baby will help you get used to the idea or would it be easier find out when you are able to be holding your adorable newborn?

Don’t be so hard on yourself, hormones and feeling unwell can cause extreme emotions. And I think it’s natural to have a preference I’m sure most people do.

I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy.

As a mum of three (admittedly gorgeous) boys I know just what you mean. The sympathetically noises from other people make it so much bloody worse!

Hold on to knowing that you will love him just as much as your other son when you see his little face, and know you’re not alone in your feelings. I’ve been there

No judgement from me OP, so before the sways of posters come on and tell you how much more loving their boys are than girls or that you need to be grateful because another woman can’t have kids- let me just say you are completely entitled to your feelings and preference as long as you keep telling yourself ultimately it makes no difference. There is a joy in all combinations, if you get a girl = great, if you get a boy = great you get to experience brothers.
Whether you find out before birth or after that’s a personal choice but mentally try and envisage yourself with a boy, look at your son and imagine him playing with his brother and doting on him, sharing his toys and clothes etc

@Ohtherewearethen yes that sounds massively unhelpful. Gender disappointment is very real even if you’ve never experienced it.

I get it op, I’d not find out if I was you, it’ll be hard to be disappointed when you see their face regardless of their sex

If you don’t want to find out, don’t find out, it doesn’t matter anyway!
Tbh I always wanted two the same, wasn’t bothered which, so once I had my first boy I hoped I’d have a second and I knew so few brothers and sisters that got on well, whereas all the same sex siblings I knew were much closer.

I guess you’ll love the baby once they’re here so it doesn’t really matter when you find out.

As a mum of three (admittedly gorgeous) boys I know just what you mean. The sympathetically noises from other people make it so much bloody worse! not just boy mums that get this FYI- as a mum to two girls even the midwife told me I could “try again”....I really wasn’t trying for a boy and I certainly don’t want 3 kids.

I really wanted boys both times. I chose not to find out in advance because I knew at 20 weeks I wasn't bonded enough to cope with knowing I was having a girl. I also got tons of unhelpful comments about how everyone wanted my second to be a girl. I literally felt like the only one who wanted a boy.

At the moment of birth they could have handed me a monkey and I wouldn't have cared. That was my baby. When my second was born and SHE was handed to me, I adored her. She was my little Ce and the most beautiful baby ever.

I still had to let go of the image of the boy I'd created, but with my wonderful girl in my arms that was quite easy.

Don't listen to anyone who comes along an spouts the judgement to you. There will be one along soon telling you you should get pregnant if you have a preference 🙄 gender (sex) disappointment is very common. It's ok, and it doesn't last

@Lelophants

I’m leaning towards waiting but getting a lot of pressure to find out as we did with DS.

@Ohtherewearethen

I couldn’t agree more and that’s how I’ve always felt about it. But whilst TTC I’ve never had a strong preference. First time I didn’t mind at all, second time I thought ‘a girl would be nice but no big deal’

Its after I’m pregnant that I get these strong shitty feelings of desperation for a girl. I imagine it’s caused by hormones and illness. My mental state changes significantly. I’d have been a totally different person to speak to about this 4 months ago.

My sister on her 4th and definately final pregnancy, and with 3 boys already, had a sexing scan as soon as she could. It was another boy. She did not want to work through those complicated emotions at his birth. This way she grieved for the girl she never had, and finally was able to bond with her precious last boy - so that on his birthday she couldn't wait to meet him. And what an amazing young man he has turned out to be.
Not sure if this helps op, I hope you find a way to work through this x

It’s ok to have a preference. It’s also ok to be disappointed if you don’t get that preference. Be kind to yourself. You’ll love your baby no matter what once it’s here, but I get the desire to have a daughter.

I’m lucky to have two dds. I would have been happy to have a boy and a girl, but I have to admit, if I’d have had two boys, I would have been slightly disappointed as I had always imagined myself with a daughter. Some people might have the same feelings about having a son.

You’ll love this baby, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel disappointment if it’s another boy. It’ll pass and won’t make you a worse mum.

No judgement from me here either.
I had it the other way around last time. I was convinced baby would be and desperate for a boy. I was taken aback when they said girl and really disappointed. Selfishly I hadn't even considered she would be a girl. We already have girls.

The only thing I can say is you have no idea how they end up. You could end up with a girl wanting to identify as a boy who isn't the slightest bit girly. It comes down to personality over sex, and I've no doubt you will love that baby whoever they are, you have no idea who they will grow to be but they are a little person.

Ignore any nasty comments. It's a real thing and as pp have said your feelings are also pumped by hormones x

I was disappointed in the delivery room with my last baby. I had completely convinced myself I was expecting a girl, and I wasn't. I already had a DD and a DS. I love them both completely equally but I have much more in common with DD and she's a companion in a way that DS isn't.

I was a bit sad in the delivery room for about ten minutes, and then I got over it. Turns out DS2 is much more similar to DD in terms of personality and loves hanging out with me. DS1 is just very reserved.

I guess what I'm saying is, I get it. And, whatever happens it'll be ok. A lot of mine was to do with names too - isn't that ridiculous? But you can't help your feelings. They don't define you. Your actions do.

Of course you're not unreasonable for feeling the way you do, but it is true that all kids are different. Can you explain what it is about having a girl that you're desperate for?

I can see the reasoning behind not finding out and waiting till you've got a baby in your arms to alleviate any disappointed feelings, but do you think that you'd still be thinking about it the whole time anyway? Perhaps symptom spotting/analysing for signs/looking up old wives tales?

I think if it was me, I would want the extra time to either work through my feelings or celebrate!

What sort of help did you get first time round? Perhaps a few sessions with a counsellor to talk through your feelings would be helpful?

i experienced this, no. 3 here, a boy after my 20 week scan got 5 messages asking is it a girl, im like no , i think other peoples disappointment made it worse.

Might be different though as I live in Aus and over here boys aren’t seen as a nuisance like they seem to be in the U.K. - I’ve got friends in the U.K. who have had people being sympathetic to them about having more then one boy which I find so utterly bizarre, the thought that having a wanted baby would be something to offer sympathy over

I've got a house full of teenage boys & I wouldn't have it any different now. TBH, I was mortified when I found out my last was another boy & I mourned for the daughter I'd never have. I now thank goodness that I had all boys because it really is fantastic. They're so funny, loving, down to earth & laid back. I have a very demanding job & I honestly couldn't do it without them. They cook, clean, listen to me winge & so very obviously adore me (as I adore them). They have their moments & I could sometimes scream, but we laugh a lot more than we cry & I now realise that nature got it right for me, I suit being the only queen in this castle.

IF your baby is another boy, go easy on yourself & allow the grief for what you won't have. Then enjoy raising your personal fan club cos it'll be a wild ride that you'll look back on with huge affection & lots of smiles. I could write a book on the things my gang got up to. I'm incredibly lucky.

You completely contradict yourself

* TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing.*

But then say a boy would be a “massive blow” and the thought of a boy makes your “sad and deflated”

Either way... I have both genders and I am so so happy that I have a girl and a boy and anyone who starts waddling on about no difference either doesn’t have both genders or is talking out the arse.

Having said that, whilst I am happy and love having both genders, neither is “better” than the other.

So you’re in a win win. You have a boy. Wonderful. You have a girl. Wonderful.

I have two DS'. Second time round I was hoping for a girl, because like you I'm only planning on two, and I have always thought I would like a daughter. Found out at 16 weeks that it was another boy, slightly disappointed but that was that. I got over it, looked at all the positives etc.

DS2 is now 21 months, and I could never wish to replace him with a girl. He is him, he is wonderful, I adore him (as I do my older DC, and as you do your DS). Once the baby is here, it doesn't matter, really. My two DS' could not be more different.

I know the feeling about everyone else having girls, as I'm in a similar situation, but the "girl" really is just an idea. A close friend had a girl the same time as I had DS2, and there's nothing about her that separates her as a "girl" if that makes sense. Children are just people, seriously.

You say you don't want to hear about girls who are tomboys, gender stereotypes etc, but that's really all gender disappointment is based on - ideas. Boys and girls can be as different or as similar as night and day.