To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

Whilst I can’t identify with this, you can’t help how you feel. But I think you need to ask yourself why you would like a girl so much. You say that being told that not all girls are stereotypical doesn’t help, but I would presume your feelings are tied up in stereotypes which is something you really should deal with as you run the risk of damaging any children you have. When you imagine your children in the future, it’s highly likely that they won’t be anything like you imagine regardless of their sex.
I think you should seek further help. Even if you found out that you’re having a girl, this doesn’t solve your issues as your thinking around this is subject is problematic. You’ll probably have certain expectations of a daughter and probably of your son which is very unfair on them. These types of expectations really mess up families and relationships.
With some further help, maybe a different person, you can hopefully change your thought process. Best wishes.

@ShalomToYouJackie

Also it's sex not gender

shuuut uppppppppppppppp

Sorry you are feeling like this OP.

There are two ways of looking at it, one, find out the sex, it’s a girl great or can use the time to accept the news if you are having a boy.

Or wait until delivery. Only you know what would be the better option for you.

If you wait till delivery it doesn’t always mean you would accept the news any easier if it’s another boy. A mum from school was also hoping for a girl, was so disappointed when her son was delivered, she had a c-section and thought she heard the medics say it’s a girl, when they were actually saying is it a girl? I found that really upsetting to hear.

I have very lucky I have two healthy, adorable DS’s & I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Wishing you all the best, you can’t help that you feel this way OP. Good luck with your pregnancy

She’s right though, how can it be a gender scan when gender is simply a social construct?

I agree with DH. I felt similarly with my first DC - had a preference - so found out the sex in advance. I felt that it would be a betrayal of the child somehow to feel disappointed when it was actually born. Because there's then a kind of rejection of the actual child, rather than of the idea of a child. With the 2nd child I didn't much mind so decided to go for a surprise.

@KodakNancyEurope Why are you telling me to shut up? It's the sex OP will be disappointed with, disappointed with their genitals not their gender.

And if you know in advance you can genuinely get used to the idea. If you hang on to the hope of a girl then you will inevitably be disappointed if you give birth to a boy.

You are going to be disappointed if it's a boy so I agree with your OH, might as well give yourself more time to get over it and be able to move on and shift your feelings so that when your child is born, you fall in love with them and forget all about your disappointment.

If it's a girl, it's something off your chest anyway.

Why do you think a girl would be preferable though? I do think it’s worth examining the reasons behind your disappointment to help introduce some logic,

The sex of your children has absolutely no bearing on your future relationship with them - it’s down to the personalities of the pair of you.

I’m not close to my own mum and that’s because of the way she makes me feel sometimes - my female sex does not make this somehow irrelevant.

This is a very tame thread considering its aibu. I think OP is getting off lightly.

Look at everyone pandering to this nonsense. A recent thread about a male partner having a preference for a boy got said male partner (rightfully) ripped to shreds.

I would be amazed if you could be handed a baby boy in the delivery room and still feel disappointed.
But then, nothing really surprises me anymore. You're having two children without problems or miscarriages or fertility treatment.
OP an eating disorder is an actual illness, are you comparing your desire for a girl to a serious mental illness? I think you can't stop yourself hoping you'd had a girl as one of your children but you should never ttc unless you'd be happy with either of the two options available.

I felt the same as you whilst pregnant with dc2, I desperately wanted a boy, knew it would be my last baby and most my relatives have a boy and a girl.

I found out what I was having and it was another girl, I did get over it and I love having 2 girls (neither are very girly), I had a bit of a wobble at the fact I won’t have anymore and will never have a son but I got over it 🙂

I admit I can't even begin to understand your feelings, but I would have thought like any disappointment, it is better to rip the plaster off. If you find out now, you can process the information. Sorry OP but you come across quite childish and self indulgent so think it's best to find out now rather than trying to process the information at birth/early days as then you need to focus on your baby, not yourself/DH disappointment/family comments ect. DH should know now also for the same reasons. Good luck.

Your feelings are totally valid op. I would find out at the scan if possible, if you're not ready at 16 weeks wait until 20 weeks but find out early

My first was a girl and I really wanted another girl second time. I didnt find out dd1s sex until birth but second time I found out as I knew I'd have a prang of upset at some point if I found put baby was a boy.

It's such a weird thing, I tried to convince myself actually a boy would be amazing and ended up feeling so guilty I wanted another girl. If dd2 had been a boy I'd have loved him to bits of course I would but I'm certain I'd have felt upset for a few minutes at some point

I had a girl second and expected it to feel different and it really didnt.

That said, I wouldnt find out. You will be handed a baby in delivery and will adore it no matter what, so just wait and see.

Sounds to me as if you don't have supportive people around you Op.

For example your husband will be disappointed if not at the scan?

Well he needs to fuck off with that shit.

Family will make comments-well, as above!

If you don't want to find out then don't.

And if your husband can't go along with it-he needs to not be there.

Do you seriously think that you would be disappointed in the delivery room?

I always imagined I’d have a girl. I’ve had my girls band picked since I was a teenager. After going through fertility treatment for DS1 after finding out at the scan he was a boy I was gutted and actually said to DH it’s ok we can have a girl next time. Second time round (after another miscarriage) at the scan he was a boy again. I was really disappointed, not that he was a boy but that I would never get the daughter-mother relationship I had and still have with my mum. We are very close and I had to grieve all of my planned ideas of what our relationship would be like.
However after feeling sad for a few days I started to think about how I love my DS1 and how brilliant it would be to have another boy.
I would go for the scan and give yourself time to process it. I don’t think you will forgive yourself for negative emotions at the birth, it’s hard enough anyway!

*Thank you for your comments I feel like you really understand. Honestly names are actually a really sore point as we seem to have used the only boys name we agree on for DS. We’ve honestly considered every name, hours of online looking and can’t find a single boys name DH and I both love. Just a list of 3 both of us are ‘ok’ with if we have to.
*
That's ridiculous!

@roccoc

Me: I know the way I feel is wrong. I feel so guilty but can’t switch it off. I’m not going to enter into ‘competing’ over who has it worse with others as someone else will always have it worse than me. I just want help to process my still valid feelings.

You: OMG so you think you have it worse than everyone else?!?! You’re ridiculous and a terrible person.

Please leave this thread before I report @roco as others have pointed out you obviously aren’t here with decent intentions and have nothing helpful to contribute. As there are lots of people here who have shared similar stories/ experiences (which I’m super grateful for) I would suggest your entire attitude is pretty offensive. I would not go into fertility threads/miscarriage threads and post this so why would you come into a thread specifically about gender disappointment just to have a massive troll!

OP an eating disorder is an actual illness, are you comparing your desire for a girl to a serious mental illness?

Well, there are many medical professionals who think that people who experience gender disappointment benefit from psychological treatment.

@borntohula

Look at everyone pandering to this nonsense. A recent thread about a male partner having a preference for a boy got said male partner (rightfully) ripped to shreds.

Wasn't that male partner trying to get his wife to go through another pregnancy she didn't want just to possibly have a boy? Slightly different

@Handsoffisback Very well said. My Daughter was stillborn at 27 weeks and I then who went on to have my Ds now 15 who was born with a multitude of disabilities and will need 24/7 care for life.

Maybe the the OP could concentrate on wishing for a healthy child no matter the gender.

I could let her care for my DS for 24 hours, I am sure that might put things into perspective.