To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

One this that really helped me with this was I read online that you need to love the baby you’ve got not grieve over one that never existed. Didn’t vote as tbf it’s a personal thing no one can tell u how to feel about this one.

You say "please be kind" because you know it's a disgusting attitude. You're clearly having another child for the ring reasons. Go over to the infertility boards to get some perspective

People feel how they feel. They are allowed to post about it. Lots of people have a preference. It is not compulsory to read gender preference threads.

OP an eating disorder is an actual illness, are you comparing your desire for a girl to a serious mental illness?

Actually yes I am. Having suffered an ED throughout my teenage years, requiring psychological intervention, I can say from experience there are a lot of similarities.

Massive guilt
A train of thought that others think unreasonable
Lack of control over your feelings
Complete Inability to switch it off
Huge impact on mood and other areas of daily life
Isolation from those around you
Anxiety

It’s really not a million miles away. For me at least.

@garlicmonkey
I've got a house full of teenage boys & I wouldn't have it any different now. TBH, I was mortified when I found out my last was another boy & I mourned for the daughter I'd never have. I now thank goodness that I had all boys because it really is fantastic. They're so funny, loving, down to earth & laid back. I have a very demanding job & I honestly couldn't do it without them. They cook, clean, listen to me winge & so very obviously adore me (as I adore them). They have their moments & I could sometimes scream, but we laugh a lot more than we cry & I now realise that nature got it right for me, I suit being the only queen in this castle.

Love your post and your gang sounds lovely. Mother to boys here as well and what you have posted sounds familiar , I wouldn't have it any other way. Initially ( coming from a large family of girls I wondered about differences) I thought I may feel more comfortable with girls .

I didn't find out with either of mine and it was the most wonderful experience in the delivery room to see who they are. My first was a boy, convinced he was a girl through the whole pregnancy. My second was girl convinced she was a boy through the whole pregnancy.

I was the first person to see my DD and to say 'its a girl', my next sentence was, what do I do with a girl!!

I guess my ramblings are trying to say, that any disappointment will go very quickly after delivery, you may harbour disappointment through your pregnancy for longer.

For what its worth my boy is far easier than my girl - love them equally.

Also absolutely all this:

But I think you need to ask yourself why you would like a girl so much. You say that being told that not all girls are stereotypical doesn’t help, but I would presume your feelings are tied up in stereotypes which is something you really should deal with as you run the risk of damaging any children you have. When you imagine your children in the future, it’s highly likely that they won’t be anything like you imagine regardless of their sex.
I think you should seek further help. Even if you found out that you’re having a girl, this doesn’t solve your issues as your thinking around this is subject is problematic. You’ll probably have certain expectations of a daughter and probably of your son which is very unfair on them. These types of expectations really mess up families and relationships.
With some further help, maybe a different person, you can hopefully change your thought process.

I do understand people's indignation at being condemned for feelings they struggle with and (from their perspective) can't help. But I also strongly believe that this concept of 'gender disappointment' shouldn't be normalised or indulged. I think it should be fine to say 'poor you, OP - you clearly feel bad about this - but you know this isn't OK and could have a negative impact on your child [either way btw], so here are some suggestions for coping with it/changing your view/putting it into perspective'. Parenting is one long lesson in affirming the child we have rather than the child we imagined. Would 'hair disappointment' be acceptable if we'd wanted a blond child and got a dark-haired one (or vice versa), or 'brains' disappointment' if our fondly imagined high-flyer ended up distinctly average, or 'hobbies disappointment' because we got a footballer rather than a cellist? I think if those things sound ludicrous, we need to ask ourselves why feeling that way about a child's sex should require such acknowledgement and affirmation.

OP, if you were an eldest daughter, how do you think you would feel to find out your mother had said 'I found out at 16 weeks we were having a [girl] and got over it on [the] basis we’d have another'?

Prie are entitled to be disappointed. I would have been if I hadn't had a girl. That despite the fact my girl has more of a 'masculine' personality and I am closer to my dss.

He we disappointment is very common but so rarely shared because of people assumptions.

I think it depends on what would happen over the next few months.

A close relative decided not to find out because of thinking it would be easier in the delivery room, however found it worse. They spent their whole pregnancy building a picture of their little boy, chose name. While they obviously knew it could be a girl they swayed more towards boy in all their planning, looking at name lists, picking clothes etc. All of a sudden after all this day dreaming, after a long and hard labour their baby was a girl and they felt unprepared.

I would agree in general it's better to wait but if your mind is likely to keep wandering, then it might be better to adjust now

Also I have similar issues re not being able to have kids that others have tried to guilt you about. Infertility/infant loss and life is generally unfair. There isnt some allocation system where I cant have a baby because you can, or because someone got a termination or because someones on birth control. Everyones path is different and not linked. You are not to blame for others tragedy.

People will always have it worse. I lost my father at a young age, it means I struggle differently to others but doesnt mean I get to blame people who have poor relationships with their dads or tell them that they should buck up?

@Handsoffisback

Shameful because I mentioned my friends much loved, much longed for stillborn baby roses? How so?

Because you're using that baby as a tactic in an argument. It's vile.

OP is asking about a situation she knows isn't good and asking for help and you weigh in holier-than-thou.

Plus, it's redundant. Why not barrel in to any number of other threads where people are complaining about what are, ultimately, trivial issues concerning their children and remind them that AREN'T THEY LUCKY THEIR CHILDREN AREN'T DEAD!

Just vile.

I do understand your feelings, and it is more important to be honest and deal with the emotions.

I have 3 kids, all teens now.
My ds is now 18. he and I are close, he talks to me about all sorts of things, he is funny and kind. Both my brothers are close to my mum, and talk to her on the phone all the time. Many of the things I thought I might do with a girl, I have actually done with my ds. For example, he loves clothes and likes shopping, and he talks to me about relationships.

dd1 on the other hand has been a 'tomboy' since she was little, she has developed her own style and recently came out as non binary. Whatever your view on this, the practical side of it is that she is more like our expectation of most boys. We are close and talk, but not about the things you might think. One thing we share is a love of music, which is not gender based anyway.

dd2 was a typical girl, twirly skirts, princess dresses and make up etc. of the 3 she is the hardest to be close to, maybe that will change. I find that I have to work hard to find things we have in common and can share.

What I am trying to say is that kids don't fit boxes. Girls and boys do not necessarily follow your expectations. Part of the disappointment is what we think typical boys and girls do and are and their relationship with us. But kids are people first, not boy or girl, and so be open to the idea that your boys can be anything, and your relationship can be anything. That is up to you.

@CatteStreet

I would argue that we do see some of those things
Take hobbies disappointment, I could name a whole list of people i personally know who tried to force their kids into hobbies that are for the parents not the kids.

There was a recent thread of a mum trying to find ways to get her preteen to enjoy hiking. It was clear that in a similar way to OP that she has daydreamed about her family hiking together or read too many famous 5 books or whatever. She was definitely struggling to adapt to the child in front of her, and how that differed from her hypothetical child. She was initially looking for support to convince him but got more emotional support instead

I read these threads with genuine interest to try and understand. Our Sil has not spoken to us since I had our DD 8 months ago. Not even a congratulations text/call , absolutely nothing. She has four boys and made it quite well known when trying for the fourth child she desperately wanted a girl. Needless to say the disappointment when she found out the baby was a boy was blatantly obvious and she didn't hide it. We have been trying for years and when I finally got pregnant we genuinely did not have a preference and I still can't quite believe I have a baby.
No judgement here, like I say I want to try and understand as I find it so incredibly sad we and our baby have been ignored by a family member.

It's the same thing that happens with child birth or birth trauma.
There is often good emotional support about how jarring birth can be compared to our expectation. Some people have spent years picturing a water birth and can be genuinely traumatized by a birth that's fairly medically standard. Others have really awful births where the delivery was successful but they felt brutalised in the process

There will always be commenters that say at least your baby is alive/ you didnt die, or my horrendous birth was even worse!

[quote Thrownaway]@CatteStreet

I would argue that we do see some of those things
Take hobbies disappointment, I could name a whole list of people i personally know who tried to force their kids into hobbies that are for the parents not the kids.

There was a recent thread of a mum trying to find ways to get her preteen to enjoy hiking. It was clear that in a similar way to OP that she has daydreamed about her family hiking together or read too many famous 5 books or whatever. She was definitely struggling to adapt to the child in front of her, and how that differed from her hypothetical child. She was initially looking for support to convince him but got more emotional support instead[/quote]
Yes, we do see these things, absolutely (and I myself have had to give myself a sharp talking-to on occasion when I've noticed certain assumptions and expectations about my children) - but we wouldn't make them into a thing with a name and provide validation and understanding, would we? We'd see that, while it might be understandable, it wasn't really right and we'd try and offer routes to a healthier way of thinking. I can't help feeling that this OP just wants to be validated (telling people not to mention stereotypes etc, which are likely at the root of this whether she likes it or not).

I found out with my first at my 20 week scan, for my second I didn’t want to know - the amount of family asking me what are you hoping for this time boy/girl - a baby was my response every time.
When I had the baby the doctor flashed the baby bits at me - I had no idea what gender it was I was knackered! They gave me my baby for skin to skin and I sat there in awe of the amazing baby I created - still no idea whether it was boy or girl it was! But I knew I’d love this little baby whatever! I asked the consultant not to tell me the gender during my c-section I wanted to find out myself and not make it the most important thing in the room. I also has a very rough pregnancy and took a while to get pregnant.

You will love this baby and your son will be an amazing big brother. I may not understand the gender disappointment, honestly go see a counsellor get the therapy - before deciding whether you want to find out?

@Lumene

Also absolutely all this:

But I think you need to ask yourself why you would like a girl so much. You say that being told that not all girls are stereotypical doesn’t help, but I would presume your feelings are tied up in stereotypes which is something you really should deal with as you run the risk of damaging any children you have. When you imagine your children in the future, it’s highly likely that they won’t be anything like you imagine regardless of their sex.
I think you should seek further help. Even if you found out that you’re having a girl, this doesn’t solve your issues as your thinking around this is subject is problematic. You’ll probably have certain expectations of a daughter and probably of your son which is very unfair on them. These types of expectations really mess up families and relationships.
With some further help, maybe a different person, you can hopefully change your thought process.

Do you know, I couldn't disagree more on this. Yes of course stereotypes exist and don't help anyone and we all have more in common than that which divides us, etc.

But when I see the tide of comments on threads like this - 'You're hung up on what's between their legs, how does it matter?' - 'You just want a doll to play with' - 'My girls are complete tomboys who do nothing but climb trees, what if you don't get a girly girl?' - 'You'll damage your children having expectations of what they will be like based on sex' -

• and I just think WTF.

Ask yourselves why you are here on Mumsnet. Does it have anything to do with the fact that this site is (as is so often celebrated) one of the only places where the female voice dominates, where WOMEN congregate for discussion and support? Is any of it because you appreciate and see the difference that makes to us all even more in these times where discussing and acknowledging the reality of biology is fast becoming bloody illegal in some quarters? Or does it make absolutely no difference to you - in which case, try a little experiment for me and next time, click on Pistonheads and start a discussion there. It'll be just the same, won't it? I mean, what difference does what we have between our legs make to personality, interests, common ground in life? I mean, do tell me that when all you adult human females go out/talk to friends etc, it's pretty much chance whether those people are male or female as there's just noooooo difference in the two?

Adult human female. Biology matters, we all know that. Help someone get a grip on their feelings yes, but do not ridicule and shout them down for acknowledging that they would like their immediate family to contain one other adult human female as well as them. It is a logical thing to think and yes it makes for a different dynamic in every way. Not better, but yes different. Don't sit here on a female-dominated board and scoff at that notion, it's simply not realistic.

The OP isn’t saying that she has it worse than people suffering infertility or who have gone through the tragedy of still birth.

But she feels the way she does. Sometimes feelings are irrational, especially when coupled with pregnancy hormones. Some people genuinely have no preference, others have always had an idea in their head of what their family will look like. People are allowed to feel disappointment when things don’t Turn out the way they thought they would. It’s doesn’t make them a terrible person.

I’m sure the OP will love her child and be a good mother if it does turn out to be a boy, but she is allowed to feel a bit disappointed that she will not experience the mother daughter relationship. I know I would have.

I have a friend with three boys. The youngest is 11 and to this day she is disappointed she doesn’t have a daughter. She loves her boys and wouldn’t change them, but if she could guarantee that’s she would have a girl she would get pregnant tomorrow.

On the other hand my sister in law has always imagined herself with two boys. That’s what she is getting and she is thrilled to bits.

Whatever you feel, IMO you should keep it to yourself. Otherwise, a few years down the line, it’s almost guaranteed that some stupid, thoughtless, or possibly malicious, person will tell your dc2 that they were a disappointment. They will then be very upset and you will feel like shit.

I can see why you find the stupid comments from family upsetting, but tbh I think they're good reasons to want a boy, not a girl - doesn't it make you sad for your DS? I had no preference at all until people started going on about this one 'hopefully' being a girl, at which point I started to hope a bit that it was a boy because the idea of a dynamic where my second was more celebrated because of what was between their legs seemed upsetting and also insulting to the perfect DS I already had.

Yes but he was ridiculed for his possible reasons for having the preference, all the same. And rightfully so.

And I don’t agree with that. I don’t agree with ridiculing and shaming people for their preferences especially if they already feel shame for it.

Pointing out he was being utterly ridiculous to pressure his wife for another child when she wasn’t for it yes. For his feelings about never having a son.. depends on the why, but even then I wouldn’t be going out of my way to be harsh about it and throwing out who has it worse and the “be gratefuls” as some are doing here to OP.

Clearly this is very hard for you. Although you said you had help with getting over the last gender disappointment and it didn’t help, perhaps you should try again? Whilst lots of people have gender disappointment, this really doesn’t make it “right”. I understand that society / our loved ones say certain things, but they say loads of stuff we normally ignore or moan about especially when pregnant or raising a tiny baby - everyone has an opinion!

You mustn’t let these opinions get to you and stop you bonding with your baby or enjoying your last pregnancy. It seems like you need help with that!

I have a DS and am pregnant with my second, I have very very different symptoms to the last time and everyone (literally everyone) says “oh do you think it’s a girl”..... I smile (inside I want to punch them!) but I think people just feel the need to say something, offer advice etc.

Good luck and I hope you can work through your feelings and enjoy your pregnancy

YANBU op. You can't help your feelings and you're being honest about them. It will all work out one way or another. I feel there's too much emphasis in this country on having "one of each" whereas I actually think having a same sex sibling is a huge positive. (Can you tell I have 3 the same sex?!)

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

OP an eating disorder is an actual illness, are you comparing your desire for a girl to a serious mental illness?

Well, there are many medical professionals who think that people who experience gender disappointment benefit from psychological treatment.

Is the OP seeking medical help then? Posting on AIBU is not a good substitute for that!

DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I 100% agree with him.

It's the reason I found out with #2. Same as you, #1 was a boy and due to age #2 would be our last.

I had a really close relationship with my Mum and didn't realise how keely I felt that until my second pregnancy.

I found out and it was a girl and I blubbed in the ultrasound room. But if it had been a boy, I'd have gone home and blubbed for the Mum/daughter times I'd never have, then gone online and spent the rest of the pregnancy looking at beautiful examples of brothers.

Sometimes I think 2 boys may be better in the long run. Often boys and girls get a little distant from each other in the teen years as gender roles get more rigid. I worry about that, ridiculously. What if my desire for a girl was selfish and not what actually would have suited DS himself? So theres that side of it too.

So there are definitely two sides to a "gentlemans family" (puke).

But yeah, FIND OUT EARLY. Thats basically my advice. I agree with your DH 100%.