To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

If you know / strongly suspect that this is all down to your hormones OP then I wouldn’t find out until birth. You can’t control pregnancy hormones while still pregnant so you’ll spend 20 / 24 weeks feeling resentful if the baby is a boy and potentially struggling to bond. Whereas if you don’t know, when you find out you will be more likely to be experiencing the hormones designed to make you love and bond with your baby, and the sex will hopefully be less relevant to you in that moment.

Yeah well, maybe you should. FFS I really try not to engage with these threads but they royally piss me off every single time.

Not trying really hard then..

*I'm writing this as a infertility survivor. I went through years of heartache trying for a baby.

I'm also someone who suffered with gender disappointment (before anyone asks I wanted boys, got one of each)

Throughout my infertility journey I held strongly to the belief that my issues weren't anyone else's fault. Just because I couldn't have a baby it didn't mean that everyone else had to have babies or be over the moon about every aspect of parenting.

Infertility sucks! It really sucks! But it isn't a stick with which to beat other women.

I hate how every time there is a thread like this, some posters feel the need to pile on about how shit the OP is. The OP is always told by someone that she shouldn't have kids, that they or their friends friend had a still birth or couldn't have kids etc etc. You are not required to post if you have nothing helpful to say*

Well said! Some people want to pretend that many parents don’t have preferences. Studies have shown both men and women preferring their own gender and that isn’t surprising in the slightest. People prefer what they know and go by experiences. It wasn’t that long ago in western culture that boys were prized over girls for various reasons (still are to some extent) and are still prized in many cultures around the world.

OP may also have these feelings now and they completely change once her baby is put in her arms which happens often with lots of parents.

It’s pointless to shame any parent for how they feel when they already feel shame as it is over something they don’t have control over. OP can’t control how she feels but she can control what she does with those feelings and how she goes further.

I suggest you find out at birth. Ultrasounds aren’t 100% and you could be told you’re having one but have the other. It does happen and for some parents it takes them off guard because they’ve built up something in their head for the new baby.

There's mostly real understanding for OP on here, which I think is fair. Yet, only last week, the woman posting about her DH wanting another child so they could try for a boy, was pretty much told to LTB. He got no empathy at all for his desire for a boy. The issue of having another child, apart, he was seen as misogynistic and selfish, and more than a few posters decided that if they had a boy, the father would favour it over his daughters.

MN double standards again.

@Surroundedbyboys123 you can report me if you like, I've done/said nothing that breaches talk guidelines. You posted in AIBU and I'm entitled to have my opinion.

I'm annoyed that you feel disappointed with the gender. As I'm allowed to. Trust me if you go to your 20 week scan and find out you're having a boy who is seriously unwell or worse (which I hope to god you don't), you will be desperate to have that boy and wish he was healthy.

@phoenixrosehere thank you

It would be better if gender scans didn’t exist (other than for medical reasons). No one needs to know in advance of the birth. A healthy baby is the aim. Previous generations coped without knowing.

Wasn't that male partner trying to get his wife to go through another pregnancy she didn't want just to possibly have a boy? Slightly different

If it’s the one I’m thinking of then yes, totally different situation.
Here we have a woman, already pregnant, who is experiencing these feeling quite unexpectedly. She feels awful and guilty and says she doesn’t know what to do. Anyone who would just be nasty is a bit of a cunt really.
People can’t help how they feel. It’s how they address those feelings that’s important.

Thank you so much to the 90% who have responded kindly. I’ve read all your responses and it’s really helped this morning.

I feel terrible and wouldn’t have TTC if I’d had a really strong preference. I adore my DS he’s the light of my life so I really didn’t think I’d feel this strongly about wanting a girl again. I thought it would just be a ‘girl would be nice but no big deal’ which is how it felt whilst TTC.

I know deep down all that matters is a healthy baby and I’m so very sorry for anyone who has lost or suffered. I’m pretty confident that I’ll adore whoever I have next, regardless of gender but I know there will be a sadness if I find out it’s another boy as I’ll grieve the DD I’ll never have now. Sounds like I’m really not alone there though and feeling like it’s somewhat ‘normal’ is really helpful.

I also always imagined having more than 2. (3 was my ideal’ so think this is intensifying how I feel too.
Considering everything I think I will probably have the gender scan but I just don’t want to share the info with everyone. I want to process it myself.

I’m gonna ask DH if we can get the gender scan and not tell parents/family/friends. I know a family member who did this and only admitted after the birth they’d known all along. I don’t think DH will go for it though which puts me in a crap position.

What this thread has made me realise is I want to know the gender to prepare (hopefully feel more connected) but I don’t want to deal with the comments/condolences or other people’s opinions whilst I’m still pregnant and feeling hormonal.

Just on the names front - two boys here and absolutely couldn't find another nice boy's name. Rejected all DH's suggestions out of hand, didn't even like the ones I thought of myself for more than two minutes. Absolutely stuck . . . Until he was born. Then it was just so obvious he was a James (previously rejected name, as it happens!), there was never a question. So don't pull yourself apart on that count, you will find the right name for your baby (one of my friends took a week or so after birth to find it, but she got there in the end!).

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

• There's mostly real understanding for OP on here, which I think is fair. Yet, only last week, the woman posting about her DH wanting another child so they could try for a boy, was pretty much told to LTB. He got no empathy at all for his desire for a boy. The issue of having another child, apart, he was seen as misogynistic and selfish, and more than a few posters decided that if they had a boy, the father would favour it over his daughters.

MN double standards again.*

Um.. that father was trying to PRESSURE his wife into having another baby because he wanted a son. That is completely different! He wouldn’t be taking any risk to his health, his wife would when she didn’t want to.

People who are finding threads like this upsetting due to infertility etc.--well, maybe you should stay off the thread, then?

It's pretty stupid to click on a thread that will make you feel rubbish.

OP - I feel for you. My friend was in your position - hoped her second baby would be a girl, had lots of “hope it’s a girl” comments from family and friends. And at the 20 week scan she found out it was a boy. Didn’t say much; pretended to be happy. And she spoke to me when her little boy was about 3 months old about how awful it had been to have to suppress those feelings. On the positive side, however, she also looked back and couldn’t really understand why she’d felt that way, Because once he was here, he was real and he was hers....and there is no way that she’d have gone.back and somehow swapped the sperm to have a girl. I’m sure you will feel the same. Try and concentrate on your DS1 and how much you love him....and how you will feel the same about your DS2.

@Saisong post could have been written about me. I had 3 boys, wanted one more baby, would have loved a girl, found out at scan it was a 4th boy. Honestly I was gutted (and then felt bad for being gutted) but I dealt with it and by the time he arrived I was completely accepting of it. I bonded with him quicker than my older 3 and obviously wouldn't change him for the world!
The odd time I still get a bit upset that I'll never have a little girl of my own but my 4 boys are out and out Mammy's boys!

@roccoc

I’m not a stranger to AIBU but I never ever get my head around people who come onto threads where the OP is really open about knowing they’re wrong, feeling guilty, not being able to stop the way they feel....and just totally troll them about it.

Of course I’d be devastated if something was wrong. Ofc I love the DS I have. Ofc I didn’t go into this pregnancy thinking ‘if it’s not a girl it’s not worth it’ but here I am.

I just don’t know what you hope to achieve. I already feel awful so you’re not capable of making me feel worse. You can twist my words all you like to make it sound like I think I’m ‘the worst off person in the world’ but that’s nowhere near what’s actually been said. Not even close.

I found out at 20 weeks with DS2. We were only going to have two children and already had a DS. My view was similar to your DH’s. TBH I was disappointed that I would never have a daughter but it did give me time to come to terms with that and see the positives in two sons before birth. That disappointment was short lived and I wouldn’t now change anything but it helped to have time to come to terms with it before being faced with a new baby.

@Surroundedbyboys123 firstly don't quote me saying I said you're the "worst person in the world". Nowhere have I said that.

Secondly I'm sorry if you thinking I'm trolling. I'm genuinely not trolling. I'm trying to give some perspective.

And thirdly, its an open forum. You can't just expect people to post when they agree with you. That's not how the world works. It's a form for discussion and that's what I'm trying to have.

We will just have to agree to have very, very differing views.

I wouldn’t find out. You won’t be disappointed when that bundle is in your arms I’m sure x

[quote Surroundedbyboys123]@Lelophants

I’m leaning towards waiting but getting a lot of pressure to find out as we did with DS.

@Ohtherewearethen

I couldn’t agree more and that’s how I’ve always felt about it. But whilst TTC I’ve never had a strong preference. First time I didn’t mind at all, second time I thought ‘a girl would be nice but no big deal’

Its after I’m pregnant that I get these strong shitty feelings of desperation for a girl. I imagine it’s caused by hormones and illness. My mental state changes significantly. I’d have been a totally different person to speak to about this 4 months ago.[/quote]
Who's pressuring you? Pr do you mean dp?

Does he know how you feel? It's you Who's going through all this so he can wait.

If anyone else is then definitely wait

What assumptions are you making about boys and girls and how they are different that you are already wishing your child was one or the other OP?!?

They’re all human beings, give this one a chance to be before you decide whether or not you are pleased their here based on which sexed body they’re born into.

I think you need to shut out other people OP (figuratively speaking). My Mum was terrible with my first, kept going on and on about having a girl. I was convinced I was having a boy, which I was, and it was very irritating. Other people in your ear and not helpful. I'd shut down all conversation on the topic.

You feel what you feel and you should be gentle with yourself. When baby is here I'm sure you will adore them whatever happens. x

I understand - to some extent. Part of me would have loved a DD but I refused to let those feelings get in the way of enjoying my second pregnancy. Years of TTC both times, failed IVF attempts that cost a fortune financially and emotionally, 3 miscarriages - and you have a very different view. I made it very clear that I would not tolerate any comments about hoping for a DD. Phrases like This baby is so wanted whether boy or girl ... tended to be good at knocking things on the head. I found people didn’t raise it again. I remember feeling very angry at any hint that there might be disappointment - I must have been very protective of him before he was born. Fortunately DH didn’t mind either way. We didn’t find out either time before birth, and I remember midwives saying how much they loved that, like an extra surprise. I’m not saying we did it that way for the midwives, but it was wonderful hearing those words in the delivery room both times. So I clearly have a very strong view because of circumstances. Only you will know whether you will deal better with finding out at 16 weeks or at birth - but I can honestly say that I have never regretted my two boys and yet I had had an awful stereotypical view of what I wanted to do and share with a DD. I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy and hope you work out the best way to handle things and ‘prepare’ GPs. If you think they will express disappointment then you and DH can work out a way of heading that off if it will upset or irritate you.
What you say about hormones makes sense to me. If you feel you will be very upset now perhaps waiting for the birth might be better? Have you told your DH how you feel, following his comment? Will he listen carefully if you let him know that it might be worse for you to find out now?

I don't get why other people are bothered about what sex someone's baby is. None of their bloody business.

@phoenixrosehere

* There's mostly real understanding for OP on here, which I think is fair. Yet, only last week, the woman posting about her DH wanting another child so they could try for a boy, was pretty much told to LTB. He got no empathy at all for his desire for a boy. The issue of having another child, apart, he was seen as misogynistic and selfish, and more than a few posters decided that if they had a boy, the father would favour it over his daughters.

MN double standards again.*

Um.. that father was trying to PRESSURE his wife into having another baby because he wanted a son. That is completely different! He wouldn’t be taking any risk to his health, his wife would when she didn’t want to.

Yes but he was ridiculed for his possible reasons for having the preference, all the same. And rightfully so.

X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’
Do these people have the brains of a rocking horse?
What an idiotic thing to say!