To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

I had a Dd and wanted another. Found out at 20wk scan we were having a boy. I was disappointed - cried in the hospital toilet actually! And did take a while to get used to it. Now he's here obviously I wouldn't change things, no way! Personally I'm glad I found out at a scan and was able to get used to the idea. If you don't find out won't it be playing on your mind for the rest of your pregnancy?

You can’t help how you feel. It’s hard on the baby if you continue to feel this way, but it’s not your fault. I hope you get what you want.

@GarlicMonkey

I've got a house full of teenage boys & I wouldn't have it any different now. TBH, I was mortified when I found out my last was another boy & I mourned for the daughter I'd never have. I now thank goodness that I had all boys because it really is fantastic. They're so funny, loving, down to earth & laid back. I have a very demanding job & I honestly couldn't do it without them. They cook, clean, listen to me winge & so very obviously adore me (as I adore them). They have their moments & I could sometimes scream, but we laugh a lot more than we cry & I now realise that nature got it right for me, I suit being the only queen in this castle.

IF your baby is another boy, go easy on yourself & allow the grief for what you won't have. Then enjoy raising your personal fan club cos it'll be a wild ride that you'll look back on with huge affection & lots of smiles. I could write a book on the things my gang got up to. I'm incredibly lucky.

This is really lovely.

I have to say. I never felt a burning desire to have baby or young boy. However I do actually feel a little sad that I’ll miss out on having a teenage son.

That’s the weird thing, surely you’ll have things in common with your child because they’re yours and you can influence the things they like doing.
My boys like quite a few similar things to me but that’s because we do those things together.

I found out the sex of my 2nd at 16w and felt disappointment. My parents, in laws and husband all wanted another girl and I wanted my daughter to have a sister. It was mild but lasted through the pregnancy.

Then I held him.... Would not change a thing about him from that moment on. Looking back it probably would have been better to wait and find out at birth as I just loved him so much exactly as he is I can't imagine feeling disappointed.

That said, my mum had the same but back then they didn't have scans so she had to wait. When the baby was born not the sex she wanted she was quite down for a while.

Basically, I think that no matter what anyone says, you will experience those feelings at some point (if it does turn out to be a boy) but also they will pass at some point. I think you just need to make a judgement call on when is the best time for you to experience those feelings and then move through them xx

I meant to say - personally I would find out at the scan. And if anyone dares voice disappointment, ask them uncomfortable questions: "what exactly do you think a daughter will provide that a boy won't?" or simply "what's wrong with two boys?".

I found out at 16 weeks as I said in my post, and asked them to confirm at 20 weeks. I have to say once we had the 20 week scan and found out the baby was healthy, I let myself feel excited for my new baby boy. I think part of the 16 week scan problem is that we still haven't had the full anatomy scan and so a problem could still be found - for me anyway I think that stopped me bonding with the baby ever so slightly.

You could find out at 16 weeks and not tell anyone, so if you're disappointed, it gives you a few weeks to get your head round it. Or just tell people you're not finding out at all even if you have, it's no one's business. I know several people who found out and didn't tell anyone.

My sister was convinced she was pregnant with a girl as she felt really sick and believed that was a sign for a girl.

She went on to have beautiful twin boys

They are amazing.

I always secretly wanted a dd. I have two boys 5&4 and although they have their moments squabbling, they love each other and are best of friends.

Girl or boy, they will be amazing !

You won’t be disappointed once the baby is born in the delivery room - I wouldn’t find out if I were you - just wait

I get this OP...in my experience it's better not to find out....just wait till the birth. You will be a lot less disappointed than if you find out at 16 weeks

I could have written your post...

Baby boy first time round.
When pregnant for the 2nd time I couldn’t stop thinking about how lovely it would be to have a girl and I imagined what having a daughter would be like etc etc
I had health issues so knew it was my last baby.
Found out the baby was a boy at the 20week scan and I was so upset.

I remember lying back on the ultrasound bed and the sonographer and my husband were gushing about be having a boy whereas I had tears in my eyes. I had to pretend I was happy but inside I was devastated.

For the next 3-4 days I felt incredibly low and it wasn’t because I specifically didn’t want another boy, it was simply because I knew I would never ever have a daughter.

However, as the days passed and I accepted the situation I found my feelings of sadness start to be replaced with feelings of excitement at the though of my son having a baby brother to grow up with.

I’m not saying this as a general sweeping statement but I do think that siblings of the same sex have a closer relationship as they get older if their sibling is the same sex as them. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is my opinion.

I started to realise that having a daughter would have been nice for me but I was really, really happy that I was having a boy because it was going to be really lovely for my son. I’m a big believer in the idea that having a sibling relationship is really important for children and therefore my priority should have always been what was most likely going to be better for my son - which was a brother - which is what he was now getting.

Once I changed my mindset to think of about the benefits of having another boy my whole emotional state changed and I felt so happy and excited all the time.

My two boys are so, so close - they are adorable and I can’t believe how much they love each other. They can’t even sit on the sofa together without being half in each other’s laps and holding each others hands. Watching them grow up together, sharing the same interests and having such similar characters is absolutely wonderful. Seeing their relationship develop is heartwarming and I often think, would it be like this if it was sister my eldest had and not brother? Personally I think not - but again, that’s just my personal opinion.

When I see them together I feel overwhelmed by how lucky I am, and also how lucky they are to have each other.

I can honestly say that I am so, so glad that it was another boy I had because it has worked out so perfect for my children - and what is best for them, in my eyes, trumped what I wanted for myself.

I’m not belittling your feelings at all OP, I have been there and I know how awful it is, but please don’t think that if it is a boy it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. If you find find out during a scan that it is a boy and you experience similar feelings and emotions that I did, then allow yourself time to grieve for the future that you won’t have, and then try and find the positives in the future you will have.

Like you said, you adore your son, and if you end up with another son you will adore him too.

I really wanted boys every time, probably because I did not have a great relationship with my mother.
I have a boy and three girls
I found at the scan for dc2 and 3, DC 1 and 4 were surprises.

I am ashamed to say I did feel a pang of disappointment in the delivery room when I found out my last child was a girl (it was more due to "how am I going to tell DH", who regularly includes not providing him with more sons in the long list of my failures). It lasted about 2 seconds.

I think if other people's comments are a consideration I would find out. I was starting to get 'are you hoping for a girl?' or 'a girl would be nice this time' comments, which really annoyed me (it felt a bit like a slight on DS) but once I'd found out and when people asked I said, in a manner that made it clear I was very happy about it, that it was another boy people just say 'oh, lovely'. In general I don't know how people stand other women can stand people going on about and making stupid predictions based on nonsense on the sex of the baby all the way through pregnancy - both times I was so sick of it by 20 weeks that shutting down that line of conversation was a major reason to find out!

I have two boys. The oldest is 18 next week. I can honestly say hand on heart, that for us all, having two of the same gender fairly close in age has been absolutely the best outcome.
I might have liked a girl. But wanted only two children more than I wanted a girl.
Console yourself that your partner will more likely stick around. Research shows men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are female.

My sister cried when finding out she was having another boy. However, it turns out it was the better thing to happen. My brother has two sisters and could really use a brother in life. My sister is now thankful that her sons have each other so they can guide one another through life.

I have a girl and although a boy would be lovely for my husband I would secretly prefer a girl so that my daughter has that same sex sibling to go through life with. Perhaps you should start thinking about how a boy would be beneficial to your family. And regardless of what gender it is it’s another baby who you will love and will love you.

I lost my first born who was a little girl and went on to have 2 healthy boys. I was slightly disappointed when we found out about DC2 but I dont feel that way at all now as they have such a special bond. I have a few 'what if' moments and sometimes feel a longing to have a girl but we don't plan on having anymore children as pregnancy wasn't easy for me. Gender disappointment is totally real but it will pass and it won't even cross your mind when you hold your beautiful newborn. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Research shows men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are female.

Whaaaaaaaaat?!

I’ve never heard that before!

You wont be disappointed in the delivery room, at that stage the sex of baby is irrelevant, i was just glad it was over! And when you see your baby you will love it. so dont worry about labour room disappointment.
I think its understandable to want one of each and quite common for a mother to want a daughter, but as the rational part of your brain says you will love this child regardless.
Maybe knowing the sex in advance would stop you.mulling over it and enable you to move on?

@Lelophants

Thank you for your comments I feel like you really understand. Honestly names are actually a really sore point as we seem to have used the only boys name we agree on for DS. We’ve honestly considered every name, hours of online looking and can’t find a single boys name DH and I both love. Just a list of 3 both of us are ‘ok’ with if we have to.

Whereas we have the perfect girls name we both adore!

Find out- the baby is a boy or girl and that won't change so you might as well know so you can start dealing with your feelings if it's a boy. When i was pregnant I wanted a boy - because I'm not girly and thought I would struggle to raise a girl. I have a beautiful girl who is amazing and who I adore - my boy preference was daft. We've been trying to give her a sibling for 23 months. We're going to stop trying soon because of my age. I wouldn't care if I had a girl or boy this time as long as I had that much wanted second baby. Believe me, getting over my "gender disappointment" was easy (in the event I was just glad I had a healthy baby and the pain of labour was over) accepting i won't have another baby is not so easy. Assuming you and your baby are ok please be grateful for what you have.

People will tell you you’re BU, but I understand you OP. There’s such a strong pull to have a girl for some women, I think it’s out of your control. Be kind to yourself.

“ I firmly believe that you try for a baby because you want a baby, not in the hope that you will have a particular sex.”

No, you firmly believe that YOU try for a baby with those wishes. You don’t get to “firmly believe” how other people live their lives.

Of course the OP will be happy no matter if it’s a boy or a girl. But people are allowed to have preferences FFS.