To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

You just dismissed a bunch of gender stereotypes with a bunch of gender stereotypes

@Ohdear2020

I’m sorry but as someone who has found out her baby has a chromosomal disorder and heart defects during a scan I have absolutely no sympathy for ‘gender disappointment’. Sorry op.

Yes to this. Sorry OP, it’s hard to have any sympathy when this is in the mix. A healthy baby is the best outcome for any pregnancy. The only thing I can advise is to cut off any ‘gender disappointments’ feelings and don’t acknowledge then if at all possible.

Your DH is right. Find out early so you can get over your disappointment and be happy about the gender either way by the time the baby is born.

@toomuchpeppapig

Your DH is right. Find out early so you can get over your disappointment and be happy about the gender either way by the time the baby is born.

Does this help though? I thought you were much less likely to be disappointed if you assumed boy and waited until he was born and you can bond properly. I'm so glad I did not find out at 20 week scan as I would hate to feel disappointed! When I ended labour with a baby I was so happy there was no time to feel disappointed:)

Would you want your first reaction on meeting your baby to be disappointment?

I felt the same as you OP and cried after my second scan as I knew I didn't want more than 2 children and that's the thing: it wasn't that I didn't want DS2 or that I thought I wouldn't love him, I was grieving for the daughter I would never have. I would agree with your husband though, forewarned is forearmed and by the time he's born (if he is a he) you'll have got used to the idea.

I ended up having an unplanned third child years later and that time I didn't even consider the possibility of it being a girl. It was and although I won't deny I was delighted and have enjoyed the different experience, she has not knocked DS2 off top spot. He is my favourite but I'd never tell him that.

OP- im also a totally different person when pregnant, its bizarre isnt it?
How far along are you?
I'll be honest I hated pregnancy and felt brand new after it was all over

Really anecdotal but it’s always been mothers of boys that really run with the stereotypes. Otherwise sensible women too. Odd but happens repeatedly

Really anecdotal but it’s always been mothers of boys that really run with the stereotypes

And IME fathers of girls can be really stereotypical of the boys they supposedly didn't want either

Haven’t come across that myself.

"He is my favourite but I'd never tell him that."

Hope you wouldn't tell the others either

Isn’t it also sexist to assume that women only want girls because of “girly” things?

Of course it is and you will note that at no point have I said 'women only want girls because of 'girly' things'. I certainly mentioned 'many comments' but how you have managed to turn 'some' into 'all' is quite the conundrum.

if I give birth to a child with a vagina I get to dress it how I want for the first few years at least and have the experience of ‘having a daughter’

If it's a doll you're after, wouldn't it be easier to just get one of those Reborn things?

@MsTSwift

Really anecdotal but it’s always been mothers of boys that really run with the stereotypes. Otherwise sensible women too. Odd but happens repeatedly

I don't and wouldn't do it but I sort of get where this comes from - when people make derogatory comments about boys (which I find they do a lot) it makes me really angry and defensive, and it does sort of make me want to criticise their child - I don't (obviously!) and I wouldn't do it on the basis of sex if I did, but I can imagine why some women do.

I don't and wouldn't do it but I sort of get where this comes from - when people make derogatory comments about boys (which I find they do a lot) it makes me really angry and defensive, and it does sort of make me want to criticise their child - I don't (obviously!) and I wouldn't do it on the basis of sex if I did, but I can imagine why some women do.

Tbh I think this touches on part of why a lot of women would prefer girls and are open about it, in reverse. The whole world has been geared up towards preferring boys and putting women down, and it does leave a certain defensiveness. If I'm being honest that is a big part of what puts me off the notion of boys/men. I have no doubt at all that this would entirely dissipate when confronted with an actual, in the flesh baby who I would no doubt love unconditionally, but in the abstract, yes I naturally prefer women/girls and that is something ingrained in my psyche as a result of society's preferential treatment of men.

I think people should probably be more understanding towards women who are influenced by that mentality, perhaps without ever having thought about it consciously, but who will be unlikely to actually go on to feel that way about their own son.

Don't find out - if it's a boy, you will spend the rest of the pregnancy disappointed and upset. Whereas, if you find out once they're born, I don't think it's possible to be disappointed at that point - you just love them and wouldn't change them.

My philosophy is only find out before if you are ambivalent either way.

@aSofaNearYou

I don't and wouldn't do it but I sort of get where this comes from - when people make derogatory comments about boys (which I find they do a lot) it makes me really angry and defensive, and it does sort of make me want to criticise their child - I don't (obviously!) and I wouldn't do it on the basis of sex if I did, but I can imagine why some women do.

Tbh I think this touches on part of why a lot of women would prefer girls and are open about it, in reverse. The whole world has been geared up towards preferring boys and putting women down, and it does leave a certain defensiveness. If I'm being honest that is a big part of what puts me off the notion of boys/men. I have no doubt at all that this would entirely dissipate when confronted with an actual, in the flesh baby who I would no doubt love unconditionally, but in the abstract, yes I naturally prefer women/girls and that is something ingrained in my psyche as a result of society's preferential treatment of men.

I think people should probably be more understanding towards women who are influenced by that mentality, perhaps without ever having thought about it consciously, but who will be unlikely to actually go on to feel that way about their own son.

This. I prefer women. It's difficult. I think the same. I think when you see someone going on and on about being a #motherofboys and trying to make out that it's this exclusive club, whilst referencing things that all children do/say/are interested in, it's kind of awful and I do always assume that they have conflicting feelings about it.

OP though, I would find out and I would ABSOLUTELY not tell any of your family. How dare they pressure. If it's going to be a difficult thing for you - find out, get prepared - especially names, give yourself time to find one you love - and keep everyone else at arms' length til you've worked through it all.

I'd find out as soon as possible.

If it's a boy, don't announce it until you've come to terms with it yourself. Give yourself time to adjust your feelings.

If it's a girl you'll have saved yourself months of anxiety which won't be doing you or your baby any help.

It's certainly possible to feel disappointed by your baby. Vast numbers of girl babies killed at birth in China attests to that.

That's a really interesting point @aSofaNearYou, and I haven't ever thought of it like that. I think I haven't thought about it like that because the ways in which I've heard people express a preference for girls all seem to reinforce the most oppressive stereotypes for women - it's about them having pretty clothes, or liking shopping trips, or that they're just naturally better at supporting other people, or that they're better suited to be carers to elderly parents - and so I feel a sort of double-defensiveness, if that makes sense? I feel angry that they're saying that my gorgeous little boy cat be loving/gentle/close to me, but I'm also angry that they're using stereotypes of girls that I've really struggled against. So I don't naturally see it as being protective of girls - but your post has made me think of it a bit differently, and I'll be thinking about it for a while.

If I'm honest those comments also make me not just angry but a bit scared. Because I know that my little boys don't have to grow up to be aggressive, or arrogant, or selfish, or boorish - their father is none of those things, and nor are any of my many male friends - but I also know that there are so many societal factors that push boys towards that, and tell them that they should be, and that really scares me. I've had a couple of friends confide that for that reason they'd rather have a girl - what if their son grows up to be a rapist? - and I have a lot more sympathy for that than I do the 'I just want a girl to buy dresses'. But maybe a lot of women say the latter when actually it's the former that they really mean, deep down.

So quick update;

I spoke to a mum friend of mine IRL yesterday. We both have DS the same age and adore them. She is considering a second pregnancy and was asking me about mine. ‘Will you find out the gender again?’ She asked casually.

I hesitated, with all this going around in my head. Then I ummed and arghed. She’s a wonderful mum who adores her DS I knew she’d judge me if she knew the truth. ‘Maybe’ I muttered ‘I’m not sure’.

Her voice fell a little ‘are you worried it’ll be another boy?’
I was quite shocked she asked but she did so kindly and I thought I’d be honest ‘a bit. I think DH will be disappointed and family will feel sorry for me if it is. I’d quite like a girl too. Obviously a healthy boy would be wonderful though.’

She was quiet for a moment until ‘I wanted DS to be a girl’ she said, pretty matter of factly, ‘I know we aren’t supposed to say that but I I’d always pictured myself with a girl and if we have another I’ll want a girl again I’m sure.’

We chatted briefly about this. About how guilty it made us feel. How two of her other friends had recently found out they were having second boys and how she’d been careful not to make thoughtless comments. Whether we would have felt the same had we got 2 girls (both felt we would but to a lesser extent), and concluded that it’s a ‘one of each’ ideal but that most mums prefer to secure a DD then have a DS.

It’s messed up but it felt wonderful to talk to an IRL friend about it and it sound so common. I would NEVER have suspected she’d feel that way!!

It’s good that you’ve managed to talk to a friend. However I’d be careful of using this to tell yourself that it’s common, therefore it’s harmless. I do know people who have felt/feel this way but I know more that don’t and never have. And people are not very good at hiding their feelings even if they think they are, it’s very clear who the favoured child is and it causes issues.

Op what did your friend suggest re finding out? And despite what the above poster said this IS common. As proved by the countless threads, whole websites (see gender dreaming and in gender). Several of my friends have even said this to my fave despite the fact I have two boys!! More than half of women with children will have a DD by the law of averages so they won’t be able to sympathise and won’t understand.
Please find out - I dread the thought of you feeling even the tiniest pang of disappointment at birth and a PP has admitted it’s possible - you’ll be SO tired and full of hormones you won’t be fully in control.

And despite what the above poster said this IS common.

I didn’t deny it’s common. I just said it’s not harmless and causes issues. I’ve seen it first hand and as I’ve said before it’s damaging to the parent child relationship and the relationship between siblings.

"most mum's want to secure a DD first" This is just the way you and your friend and part of your circle think. I only ever wanted a healthy baby. All my friends were the same. My old neighbour said she really wanted a DD as her first so that she knew she would have a daughter and tbh I thought that was odd. It's ok to feel the way you do but saying "most" implies this is the way most women think. It really isn't.