To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

I’d find out at the scan too so you can get over anything before he baby arrives. They don’t need to feel second best as they didn’t match the gender you wanted.

I don’t get why people even TTC if they only one one sex or the other.

@Handsoffisback

Shameful. My friend is very active on here. She gave birth to her much longed for baby at 23 weeks. They were stillborn. I really hope she doesn’t read this nonsense. It’s always disappointment in having a boy isn’t it. Get a tiny tears you can put daft frilly pink outfits on OP.

You’re the one saying shameful things

YABU. Although you're not alone as every week there's a new thread with someone devastated/heartbroken/disappointed because their healthy baby has a penis.

Then posters tell them to mourn the loss of the daughter they'll never have and pander to them.

You're extremely lucky to be having a healthy baby, when he's here you won't feel the same as you do not now

Oh look. It’s a boy gender disappointment thread. Here let me link you to the other thousand threads on here where this is discussed at length and lots of people get upset (including the mums. of boys) 🙄

Horrible isn't it? I got so many 'oh never mind' 'a girl next time' comments when I was pregnant with DS2. I'd had a miscarriage in between and was absolutely over the moon to still be pregnant, it was very upsetting. I'm not sure why boys are seen as the conciliatory prize, it's a shame.

As you do now*

I genuinely think that if you have a strong preference for a particular sex then a ‘gender scan’ is not a good idea. Remember there’s always a chance that it could be wrong and it’s more often wrong when it looks like a girl. Imagine being told it was a girl at 16 weeks and spending your whole pregnancy looking forward to meeting your daughter and then giving birth to a boy.

@frazzledasarock

I honestly don’t know. With DS I found birth (although a good birth) quite traumatic. I think I was in shock for a while after. I feel like knowing he was a boy and having his name already really helped feel attached to him in those first 48 hours. But I don’t know if that would be the same again. I imagine I’ll be less traumatised this time as have done it before (hopefully).

@Thehop
I can already hear the groans of ‘oh well, never mind’ from family and friends.

@roccoc
So by your logic everyone who suffers an eating disorder is a selfish t* too...because there are people starving in this world who would be grateful for that food? Think through your logic please.

Also it's sex not gender

Jesus, there are some vicious people on here. Someone else's tragedy doesn't trump the OP's right to work through something that is real and distressing for her. It is perfectly clear from the title of the thread what the OP is discussing so there is no need to read it if the content is going to be upsetting for you. Nowhere has the OP said that she would rather not even have this baby if it is a boy, FFS.

OP, I hope the experiences of the posters who wave shared similar stories are helpful for you, and I am sure you find peace with a second DS if that is what you have and be a fantastic mother to both your children.

Some of you are a disgrace. It was clear what the thread was about, you should steer clear if they bother you so much. I say this as someone who suffered miscarriages, difficulty conceiving and secondary infertility, not someone who had a particularly easy time. You may question the parenting ability of someone who worries about the sex of their baby, but what about questioning that of the spiteful and nasty posters on here?
Hormones have a lot to answer for op, other people don't help with their "hopefully a girl this time attitudes.
Yes we should all be thankful for a healthy baby but the doesn't preclude the op from being sad that she will never have a daughter. Stop being so sanctimonious and resist the urge to post if you can't be civil.
Anonymously insulting a pregnant woman that you know is emotional is vile.

@Handsoffisback

This goes for you too, one thing the psychologist I had with DS drove home to me is that the worst type of people same one persons feelings because another’s are ‘more valid’, there is always someone worse off.

So by your logic everyone who suffers an eating disorder is a selfish t too...because there are people starving in this world who would be grateful for that food? Think through your logic please.*

You're allowed to feel however you want to feel, or are feeling OP.

But I just wanted to say that I have two boys, and it is wonderful having two the same, they have such a close bond, and I wouldn't change them for the world. I honestly don't think they would have the same bond, or be so close if they weren't both boys.

They are chalk and cheese and so different, yet compliment each other at the same time.

We had a surprise with our first, and found out with our second. I thought I'd be disappointed, but I wasn't.

Currently expecting our third, we are going to have a surprise but I am convinced that this baby will be another boy, but we had another baby because we wanted another baby not because we wanted a girl.

I think other people's opinions and comments will all be centred around expecting and wanting a girl, but I will be more than delighted to be having another little boy if that's meant to be.

@Handsoffisback whilst it seems shocking to you that the OP is worried about the baby not being a girl there's no reason to question her parenting skills.
Does it make you feel better to be rude?

OP knows she shouldn't feel the way she does and has explained that it's an illogical response probably due to pregnancy hormones.

My 2 are boys

I did not know what the second one was, when he was born I was just ecstatic (honestly, I was “high” on excitement) that I had a big healthy baby, and I was flooded with love for him.

Having 2 boys has been and still is great.

Just wanted to share that, as maybe it’ll be the same for you. I have never wished for a girl since.

Hope your disappointment melts away. And who knows, it may be a girl.

Good idea to find out if you feel strongly though

[quote Surroundedbyboys123]@Lelophants

Thank you for your comments I feel like you really understand. Honestly names are actually a really sore point as we seem to have used the only boys name we agree on for DS. We’ve honestly considered every name, hours of online looking and can’t find a single boys name DH and I both love. Just a list of 3 both of us are ‘ok’ with if we have to.

Whereas we have the perfect girls name we both adore![/quote]
This was us. For DC2 we had the perfect boys name picked out. We had about 3 contenders for a girl.

Our daughter was nameless for a day while we decided which name fitted her best.

Congratulations btw op

Lol at all this "don't ttc if you have a preference". DS2 was definitely not planned! I'm pretty glad he exists though. Sometimes life is a bit messy isn't it?

Honestly I’m not taking the negative comments to heart. I understand some people just don’t understand gender disappointment and others are just always going to be engaged in a ‘shit’ competition over who has it worse! I’m not looking to compete just to get helpful feedback on my valid and somewhat unexpected strong feelings.

I feel very guilty already so not much can be said to make me feel worse

Weirdly I think my ideal situation is to get a gender scan on my own. I don’t even want DH there. I’d love to find out and process without the pressure of anyone else’s feelings, opinions or condolences. DH would feel awfully rejected/left out though so I don’t think that’s possible.

I'm writing this as a infertility survivor. I went through years of heartache trying for a baby.

I'm also someone who suffered with gender disappointment (before anyone asks I wanted boys, got one of each)

Throughout my infertility journey I held strongly to the belief that my issues weren't anyone else's fault. Just because I couldn't have a baby it didn't mean that everyone else had to have babies or be over the moon about every aspect of parenting.

Infertility sucks! It really sucks! But it isn't a stick with which to beat other women.

I hate how every time there is a thread like this, some posters feel the need to pile on about how shit the OP is. The OP is always told by someone that she shouldn't have kids, that they or their friends friend had a still birth or couldn't have kids etc etc. You are not required to post if you have nothing helpful to say

I'd find out at the scan tbh so by the time baby is born there won't be any thought of disappointment. I had two boys, would have liked DS2 to be a girl but I found out at the scan, saw all the positives, named him and was truly thrilled when he was born. When I got unexpectedly pregnant again five years later there was no ambiguity I was desperate for a daughter. Because of my age I had CVS so at 12 weeks I knew she was healthy and it was definitely a she so a happy ending but it would have been better for me to know then that it was a boy so I could get my head around it. Good luck and ignore the meanies, COVID has definitely made MN a more unpleasant place to be.