To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

*Isn’t it also sexist to assume that women only want girls because of “girly” things?

Of course it is and you will note that at no point have I said 'women only want girls because of 'girly' things'. I certainly mentioned 'many comments' but how you have managed to turn 'some' into 'all' is quite the conundrum.*

Not really if I missed you writing the word “some”.

Of course it is and you will note that at no point have I said 'women only want girls because of 'girly' things'. I certainly mentioned 'many comments' but how you have managed to turn 'some' into 'all' is quite the conundrum.

Nor did I say you said all.

I think it's a bit of a shame that you're seeking validation that what you feel is 'normal' and 'fine' - it might be common but it isn't really fine, and I think you were getting to a much better place when you could see this as an irrational thought process triggered by pregnancy hormones. The more you feed this the bigger it will grow in your head.

I had a surprise third baby and really wanted a girl found out he was a boy at 20 weeks
Personally I was glad I found out then as I had time to process it
Yes I was upset at the delivery And I did really struggle with my feelings- your feelings are valid whatever they are.

You might need to talk it through with someone not emotionally attached to you - I did. It helped a lot

He’s 11 now and I wouldn’t change him.

I get you OP. I held off til the birth (and actually birthed alone so found out the sex alone) which I think is better. Actually the midwife was running in and our of the room once DC2 was born so I had to actually check the sex myself and wasn't sure I had done it right!

DH found it very easy to state his preference for 2x boys whereas I felt terrible about expressing a preference. It's always the mum who feels guilty or is judged!

I know several people who have said they were glad to have “one each” as they only wanted two, one friend who only wanted girls and had two girls, and another who had boys and kept trying until they had a girl (baby #6).

I remember in my late teens I always talked with my best friend about careers and babies: I wanted 3/4 children, at least one would be a girl and I’d be a teacher.

I do work in a school and I have three children...and they’re all boys!
I was gutted when I found out DS1 was a boy at 20 weeks. I’m not an awful person I’d just imagined I’d have a girl first. DS1 was born and I loved him 100% didn’t like the pnd from birth and health trauma I had

I wasn’t much happier when I had DS2’s scan, especially with all the “oh no, not a girl then, poor you!” comments! But out came a gorgeous bab and I fell in love instantly.

With DS3 I actually laughed at the scan and felt something close to relief or acceptance - I knew how to deal with boys, we had all the stuff, plus he was a surprise baby which was it’s own drama.
I’d have to be very heavily monitored for another pregnancy and that’s stressful in itself so even ‘trying’ for a girl isn’t appealing. Didn’t stop a colleague recently offering suggestions on how to get optimal pH levels and what supplements to take!

@garlicmonkey your family sounds lovely

@OP no judgement from me either. I thought I only had a slight preference for a daughter but at my scan I was surprised how disappointed I felt that I was having a boy. But once they are here, you would never change a thing about them.

Maybe find out at your scan so you can get over the disappointment if it's not a girl. Then focus on envisioning your new wee man and thinking of names etc

All the best xx

You may be having a girl?

There is a lot of pressure on women when it comes to gender and pregnancy and people thinking one of each is best (and it does have its positives).

It’s something that can not be controlled and if you have a boy or girl is taken out of our hands.

Your entitled to feel sad if you have a boy and spend some time grieving the girl you will not have.

There are lots of positives to having two of the same gender too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm the opposite in that I am pregnant and hoping for a boy x

DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I think that would be my opinion too. If the sex of the baby is a big deal to you then find out and deal with any disappointment as early as possible.

I have three boys and fwiw would have liked at least one to be a girl if I had a choice, but it was never a huge deal for me. For people I know who really did care a lot, all of them found out the sex as early as possible to ensure they had dealt with it long before the birth.

How’s it going @Surroundedbyboys123?

There is some research that gender disappointment is much less if it's discovered at the point where you are holding your baby in your arms (ie finding out at birth)

During your pregnancy you are imaging what you will have, and replacing imaginary girl with imaginary boy (or vice versa) is much harder than replacing imaginary girl with real boy - plus you have that rush of hormones which is designed to make you fall in love

I did find out what I have having with each of mine - but if I really cared then I don't think I would, I'd be worried I'd be disappointed and upset the rest of the pregnancy

I know a few people who were told the 'wrong' gender during scan then the opposite popped out -they were all fine (and I've known it both ways) - the one who was upset (until the birth) was the one who was told she was having a girl at 20 weeks (hadn't minded what she was having) then at 36 weeks was told it was a boy - she was really upset and grieving this little girl (which as she said was silly because that girl never existed), compared to my cousin who was told she was having a boy then a girl came out and found it funny -now that may be personality and within 24 hours of birth both were madly in love with the one they had and no mention of the one they, incorrectly, thought they were having

I really wanted a second daughter, in fact I felt so guilty about it as I felt I should want a boy but I just didnt. I found out and was delighted it was another girl. I'm glad I found out because I wouldnt have been able to hide how much I wanted another girl for the whole pregnancy and then if she had been a boy everyone would have thought me really disappointed even though I'm certain I would have been over the moon once he was born. Hormones do crazy things to us

BTW whenever you find out when you tell people make sure you sound positive and smile when you tell them - regardless of what you think

So for you if it's a boy an answer of 'it's a boy' with a big grin will likely get a different response to 'another boy' without emotion. If they think you are disappointed they will likely try to console you, or celebrate with you if you are happy

@Surroundedbyboys123 did you find out the gender?

I have a friend who felt exactly the same as you do. She found out at the 20 week scan so that in her words ‘she could come to terms with it’. She did have a second boy

I just wanted to say I hope you’re okay. I realise this is an old thread and you might not come back and update but it’s popped up today in active threads. I’ve read your comments and I think the way you’re feeling is totally valid (which you already know). It’s also been helpful for me to read to think about what I say when it comes to second babies with my group of friends. Most of my friends have tentatively expressed a preference for girls (I think it’s something about wanting to share some of our experiences as women with our children - it seems really normal, to me, to want that). It’s just been helpful to think about what I can do/say to not compound any difficult feelings others might have about the gender of their children. Really hoping you’re okay and that your pregnancy is going well.

@Rolopolo2000

Do you mean sex rather than gender?

Hopefully the op got or or will have a healthy baby, and will now realise that it doesn't matter what is between its legs.

If mothers want to share all the girly crap with their daughters I would have been a massive disappointment. Although my mother does take an interest in clothes and makeup, fortunately she's got many more interests and so I dont believe I am a disappointment. I've hated shopping from childhood anyway!

Why do you want a girl? Even before you had your DS? Not all girls are quiet and obsessed with Frozen, ballet and Barbie dolls.

I think find out before so if you need to you can have a litle cry in your own time, and come to terms with it. Its OK to feel like you do, you can't help it, but deep down you know you are being unreasonable, so its somthing you need to work through.

You know that once you've bonded with the baby, you wouldn't change them for the world.

I actually sort of expected to have a boy first time, and when i found out it was a girl it felt like a punch in the guts. It was hard to hold it together in the scan room, and put a smiley face on it. But im glad I found out then, because by the time she was born I'd got over the shock, and was happy and ready. Needless to say I'm so so glad she is who she is, and I would never ever have swapped her. When i think about it, im not sure why I even thought id have a boy, or why i wanted one!

whatever happens it will all be OK with time, just take some getting used to.

I'm so sad when I read these threads. Sad for those that have lost babies or can't have them.

i was told at 19 i could not have children, i was fine as i did not want any, was ill at 22 and found i was pregnant, i wanted a girl, i was down and depressed in case it was a boy and even thought i would give a boy up for adoption as i was so set on a girl, when my son came along and i held him...it did not matter, i loved him more than anything and as the years past and i was widowed at 39 and my son was my rock, i was never a girly girl and my son and i are so close, i have a little ornament that my husband gave because i had a boy.. but it did not matter in the end, please don't find out what gender your baby is if it is going to cause you more pain, you will love this baby no matter what, take care during you pregnancy xx

You can’t help how you feel and the sex of your child is already determined.

The choices you have are whether to pay to find out now, wait until later in the pregnancy, or decide you don’t want to find out ahead of the birth.

You can’t change your mind once you have found out, so why not wait a while to see how you feel later. If anyone asks just say you’re waiting for the 20wk scan & make a decision about that later. It may be that later in the pregnancy, once the baby has started moving, you care less about the sex as he/she becomes more ‘real’.

I always think that if you have a strong preference for a particular sex then it’s best to wait until the baby is born. Although it doesn’t happen very often it is possible that a scan will be wrong and if you are told you are having the little girl you’ve always dreamed of at scan and then deliver a baby boy then the ‘grieving’ for your daughter would be even worse.

When I had my second child it was after 5 years of ttc and we were grateful to be having any baby but I did feel deep down that I wanted a girl. I was persuaded by DP and DS to find out at the scan and I was delighted to discover it was a little girl but I sometimes think how absolutely amazing it would have been to have waited and found out I had a daughter at her birth.

What did you have @Surroundedbyboys123 I’m in the same boat as you pregnant with ds2