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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find inheritance talk really distasteful

142 replies

Allthestarsarecloser · 22/11/2020 08:28

I have a friend who is really lovely but she is constantly talking about her ‘inheritance pathways’ - it really does my head in. She’ll basically inherit housing wealth from several family members. I find it a really awful topic of conversation as it obviously means people will have died. It’s so dreadful. I will likely inherit from my parents but I neither expect it or want it as it means by parents will be dead.

Aibu to think any inheritance talk is really distasteful?

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 22/11/2020 08:36

The one thing that is inevitable is death, so no, I don't find it distasteful.

JunkieMonkey · 22/11/2020 08:41

Distasteful? No, not really. I mean, you know your friend better than any of us, but she might not even like the various family members who she will inherit from and see the inheritance as justification as to how they treated her (an extreme example, but just given to support that no, not all inheritance talk can be automatically considered distasteful).

Burnthurst187 · 22/11/2020 08:41

We will inherit money but it's not something I like to talk about really because it means loved ones will have passed away

icanboogieboogiewoogie · 22/11/2020 08:43

It can be, yes. It can also take much longer than you maybe expect so relying on it seems misguided. Does she like these family members?

sst1234 · 22/11/2020 08:43

It’s not distasteful if there is context. But she sounds insufferable, and a bit dense to be honest.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/11/2020 08:43

It won’t necessarily even happen if they need care in old age ... £1,000 a week for a very average care home soon depletes the inheritance.

Original poster
Allthestarsarecloser · 22/11/2020 08:43

@Burnthurst187 I think that’s my view. I don’t know why but it makes me feel so uncomfortable - it’s every week - yes there is an inevitability about it in terms of everyone dies but not in constant conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
Allthestarsarecloser · 22/11/2020 08:45

@icanboogieboogiewoogie it’s grandparents & parents so I assume/hope she likes them 🤣

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 22/11/2020 08:45

Depends how it is spoken about. If your friends is already spending the money telling you how, yes, very distastful.

If she just relays the conversations her family members are having with her about it, then no.

PontiacBandit · 22/11/2020 08:51

I hate talk of inheritance, especially as it is not always guaranteed. There are many ways that inheritance doesn't end up going to person or should.
I don't expect to receive anything but it would be nice.

pyjamasforbananas · 22/11/2020 08:59

I think it's very presumptuous. As a pp said, unless the person you are due to inherit from is on their death bed and you have a copy of their will, there are many reasons why inheritance doesn't reach the person who might expect it. Also, I'd personally prefer my relatives to spend all their money having a good time / good care in old age and die broke than to think about how I'm going to spend their money whilst they are still alive.

PoloNeckKnickers · 22/11/2020 09:04

A work colleague was moaning when her elderly mum had a few home improvements done, as it would mean less money in the inheritance pot. I assumed she was joking but she was deadly serious. I was appalled!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 22/11/2020 09:05

It depends on the context. I am married to my second husband so have had a conversation with my children and they know that he has a lifetime interest in my home but then they inherit it. If they pass that information on, it's only repeating what they have been told.

LakieLady · 22/11/2020 09:06

She's making a lot of assumptions. It could all be eaten up in care home fees, unless the various relatives have made alternative provision for that.

I think it's a bit tasteless, tbh, and also unwise. They might remarry, or have a rush of blood to the head and leave it all to a charity or something.

Ragwort · 22/11/2020 09:07

I find it distasteful if it is done in a bragging sort of way and there is no need for your friend to talk about it.
However I do talk about inheritance with my elderly parents, they are nearly 90 and obviously won't be here for ever so I have seen a copy of their Will, I go through their financial files every year or so, I have met with their financial advisor so that when the time comes I know where the paperwork is, who their solicitor is, what their wishes are about certain personal items are etc etc. I think it is important to have that sort of discussion with your relatives, if possible, it can be a huge amount of paperwork to sort out at a time when you are grieving. We were, unexpectedly, executor for a relative's Will and it was a lot of work sorting through their house, dealing with admin, even things like trying to find the birth certificate. I have even sorted the photos for the funeral service sheet so that I won't have to do that in the midst of grief. Blush.

We have also had a frank discussion with our DS about our Will etc.

But of course that is very different from "boasting" or discussing how you plan to spend any inheritance.

MakeItRain · 22/11/2020 09:08

I'm not sure really. I know when my dad was dying I was aware I would inherit some money which would ease some financial difficulties. I remember feeling guilty about thinking about it. When he died I felt so sad and it took me a long time to adapt to and manage the grief I felt. I look back and think that somehow, it can be possible to think about inheritance and death separately. Just because you think about one (the impact of a possible inheritance) doesn't mean you wish that person to die or that you're not devastated by their death when it happens.
I imagine discussing it at depth feel very tasteless though. I can't remember talking about it much and I was definitely never "looking forward" to it.

CherryPavlova · 22/11/2020 09:11

Well spending on the amount it’s a good idea to talk to someone about how best to ensure maximum amount is passed on. Your accountants are usually well placed. It is a good idea to be clear about your plans and have things in order before you die.

It’s rather vulgar discussing it over a coffee with friends though.

Comtesse · 22/11/2020 09:17

I think as a culture we are generally quite squeamish when talking about money and definitely squeamish when talking about death so to put the 2 together is a double taboo. Actually I think more people should probably talk about estate planning and how the money will work. Death is coming to us all, so we might as well talk about it.

BUT going on and on (weekly!) about what you will receive is a bit boring / unnecessary. Tell your friend to give it a rest??

Livebythecoast · 22/11/2020 09:19

@dontdisturbmenow

Depends how it is spoken about. If your friends is already spending the money telling you how, yes, very distastful.

If she just relays the conversations her family members are having with her about it, then no.

I agree. Context is everything. My mum was quite frugal. Always saving for a rainy day. Sadly she passed away aged 59 followed by my Dad a few years later. I felt uncomfortable having their money. It wasn't life changing by any means but I didn't spend a penny on anything frivolous. It's not like it's a lottery win or anything - it feels different, to me anyway. So yes, context is everything and very distasteful if your friend is 'bragging ' about what she's going to do with her inheritance.
jrb123 · 22/11/2020 09:25

The average age at which 'children' inherit from their parents is 60, so your friend may have a long while to wait. And, as other posters have pointed out, there's many a slip twixt cup and lip - care home fees, remarriage, re-making of the will to leave the pot elsewhere, loss of the buildings or business or finances due to some kind of disaster. Inherited wealth is unearned and it's distasteful in the extreme to anticipate it for years in advance.

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 09:27

Sounds awful to me.

Sally872 · 22/11/2020 09:33

Not unreasonable to talk about practicalities of inheritance at times. But talking about it weekly is almost looking forward to it, and that is a bit much for me.

ElizaDeee · 22/11/2020 09:36

Yanbu op.

I cringe for people on here when I see them posting about expected inheritance. Especially arguments over it before the person has died.

And the ones about what is 'fair'. Whatever the person decided to leave and in what quantities is 'fair' imo.

It's the expectation that gets me. I always hope they get a shock when the will is read, and it's all been left to the local cats home.

GnomeDePlume · 22/11/2020 09:37

I would far rather it was talked about than not. Talking about it means that any misunderstandings are cleared up.

DH's GF wanted to name all his GC in his will. If he had done this he would have excluded GCs who were born after the will was written (cousins of DH). Of course he could have added them later but TBH wills tend to get written then forgotten about.

LadyFlumpalot · 22/11/2020 09:38

I dunno, it's a good way of getting nosy people to shut up sometimes...

Over the last two years I have lost all four grandparents, all my maternal aunts and my mum. As a result I've had a fair whack of inheritance.

I bought a nice chavvy car and a nice house.

Loads of snidey comments about "oooh I wish I had money to burn on a stupid car" from the school run mums.

Yeah well, I'm only in my early thirties, I wish I still had my mum but there you go...