To find inheritance talk really distasteful

[Allthestarsarecloser]

I have a friend who is really lovely but she is constantly talking about her ‘inheritance pathways’ - it really does my head in. She’ll basically inherit housing wealth from several family members. I find it a really awful topic of conversation as it obviously means people will have died. It’s so dreadful. I will likely inherit from my parents but I neither expect it or want it as it means by parents will be dead.

Aibu to think any inheritance talk is really distasteful?

I agree. Also the assumption that their parents' estate will come to them and untouched.

Their parents may need expensive drugs and medical help that will improve their quality of live in later years. Their assets are for this. If there is anything after care cost, etc. then they can decide who, dependent, charity, friends, gets it.

It sounds a bi t strange of her to refer to "inheritance pathways". Also if in England her family could choose to leave her nothing as circumstances change or she might die before her parents etc.

My father always sent us photocopies if he updated his will and I do the same. It is always a good idea to avoid surprises by letting people know.

Also those saying they WILL inherit a vast amount. IHT is currently 40%. It is possible it may go up to 1-0-0% in which case the state will take the money and nothing will be inherited or the person leaving the money has to pay £40k a year wealth tax (currently being suggested at 4% on assets over £500k) so when they die they have nothing left etc etc. or like my father spent £130k on his dementia care at home in his last year and died just as his life savings were exhausted - so much working for the NHS for a lifetime as a doctor - you get so little back when you need care.

I think it's an important conversation to have, so you know the wishes of your loved ones (even if there's a will it's important to talk about, I think).

However what's not okay is bragging about what you might be getting, or in any way relying on that money.

My mum had a friend who got herself into trouble a lot with money. She ended up living in a caravan because she had to give up her house, and she was relying on her mum passing away and leaving her a big house that was worth around 300k. That kind of money seems crazy to me, but this woman needed it to clear her debts and then buy a small house for herself.

Her mum was 80 when she gave up her house, and she was literally waiting for her to die (which of course could come quite quickly at the age of 80) so she could have the house.

Her mum lived in the house until she was 103. Then needed to be in a care home for just over 3 years until she died at 106. That care home ate away quite a bit of the money they got for the house as it was a nice one (she'd picked it herself, she was in 100% sound mind, just needed physical help - and of course she could pick a more expensive one with a 300k house to sell!)

So, my mum's friend didn't get enough to pay off her debts, let alone buy a house.

And you know what? Part of me is glad. Because over those TWENTY SIX years, she never once made the effort to sort her life out. She took retirement as soon as she could claim her state pension, when anyone else would surely work a couple more years if they were in loads of debt.

So THAT kind of thing is disgusting.

People discussing inheritence is one of my pet peeves. I find it incredibly vulgar. As long as there are wills in place and no complicated scenarios involved there's no need to discuss it at all. I think my parents are fairly comfortable at the moment but I have no expectations of them at all.

I'm likely to run out of time and not have kids. Late 30s.

My sister said something when she found out what my death in service payment was from my job and my savings and pension. She said lucky me, lucky my kids. They weren't old enough to understand but were at aunties money

There will be a nasty surprise when I leave this world.

I feel like paraphrasing King Henry II speech from a Lion in Winter and leaving a letter for them to read when I die.

I deny you. None of you will get my kingdom, I leave you nothing and I wish you plague

Here

They may plan their lives around the death of others but they may be in for a nasty shock too

My father is 91 and I am in my late 50s. I am aware that I will inherit (split 4 ways with my siblings) when he dies. Although this might be talked about from time to time I would never speak of it in a blasé or certain way. He could end up in a care home with dementia and run down his reserves very rapidly spending £1000 - £1300 a week on care home fees. So none of it is guaranteed and I'm cautious about sounding like I'm relying on it, expecting or looking forward to it. I acknowledge I will probably get something but I'd not want to sound like I was looking forward to it or relying on it.

So I think OP is right to find this other woman a bit distasteful.

My Dad feels his life is without purpose now and he increasingly has niggling health issues, living on his own is lonely and he is sad despite all of us trying to support him. So its a rational discussion and he was saying he would like to go peacefully in his sleep rather than a long and lingering death. Understandably. I'm more worried about the next few years and how he will die. My Mum died suddenly which was a real shock (potentially a good death for her but not for us) but I'm concerned that my father doesn't endure years of suffering, ill health and increasing disability before he dies. He's pretty strong now for his age and of sound mind but nothing is certain about how his life will end. He has written his living will to try to prevent him being endlessly revived and has all his paperwork in order.

We are generally rather strange in this country avoiding talking about death but its not really hard to discuss such things with a loved one if you do it in the right way.

The presumption that I will never marry or have a husband or others dear to me to leave money to was so hurtful, vulgar and distasteful that I would probably have left something to the DNs but I sure as hell won't now

@Xenia

It sounds a bi t strange of her to refer to "inheritance pathways". Also if in England her family could choose to leave her nothing as circumstances change or she might die before her parents etc.

My father always sent us photocopies if he updated his will and I do the same. It is always a good idea to avoid surprises by letting people know.

Also those saying they WILL inherit a vast amount. IHT is currently 40%. It is possible it may go up to 1-0-0% in which case the state will take the money and nothing will be inherited or the person leaving the money has to pay £40k a year wealth tax (currently being suggested at 4% on assets over £500k) so when they die they have nothing left etc etc. or like my father spent £130k on his dementia care at home in his last year and died just as his life savings were exhausted - so much working for the NHS for a lifetime as a doctor - you get so little back when you need care.

IHT will never go up to 100% because it would raise little more than if there were 0% rate. An annual wealth tax would be extremely difficult to collect and the UK is jealous of confidentiality that it would never pass through both Houses.

More likely CGT will be raised to marginal income tax rates, IHT will be abolished and CGT will be collected on death. There will be exemptions for honest business investment and businesses that are risk takers. This could easily happen in the next few years.

Council tax could be extended into higher bands where the charge is based on a co-efficient of gross income. This would be easy to introduce and the additional charge could be collected through the self-assessment process. That would generate more tax at a local level. That would not be this current government though.

Ugh yeah it’s disgusting. Also, she’s an idiot. If they need old age care then it’s £1000 a week each so she probably won’t get a penny anyway.

No guarantees she'll get owt. Her relatives might end up spending it all on care in old age. I think it's a dodgy way of thinking, like assuming eventually you'll win the lottery.

I know people who live beyond their means because they know money is coming to them.
In my head I hope these relatives change their mind and leave it all to charity.
I make my own money in life and I'd rather have my family than be talking about their money. And those who say "it's about the practicalities" - no it's not - you just want to know what you're getting. Practicalities can be sorted.

We discuss the matter with our DSs mainly with a view to minimising their inheritance tax liability, but would not dream of talking about it to non family members.

If I never have children I plan on blowing the lot on travel when I retire.

My DNs can swing for any inheritance

Seems foolish to rely on inheritance to come, it might never come or take a lot longer than expected. My DD's dad died two years ago, all she inherited directly from his is debts (which I got the joy of sorting out, calling each company to tell them to stop sending bills because he's dead and I'll pay when the money comes but they still send bills) but when he died he was waiting on an inheritance from his grandfather, who died 20 odd years ago, which now comes to DD. That inheritance still hasn't been handed out because everyone is still fucking arguing over it. More hassle than its worth.

@Newuser991

The presumption that I will never marry or have a husband or others dear to me to leave money to was so hurtful, vulgar and distasteful that I would probably have left something to the DNs but I sure as hell won't now

I understand how you feel, but maybe think about whether you want to punish the children for the sins of the mother.

How is denying my nieces money when I die punishment?

I'm not inheriting anything

Can they not work and get jobs or do they need not only their rparents money but mine also when I die?!

I think with hindsight, it’s better talked about than not. Now being caught up in a Will dispute, where my dad’s second wife (he was widowed) thought she’d got everything just by marrying him and is now contesting that she only got 70+% and not everything, we wish we’d spoken about it more. To date, it’s cost us £20k. When my dad wanted to talk about it we brushed it off but wish we hadn’t. On the other hand, constant talk would be macabre and there are no guarantees. I would never have guessed that my dad would ever have a second wife when my mum and dad were so happily married. You can never pre-empt someone’s later care needs.

My DH's side of the family openly discuss it whilst on my side traditionally nothing has been said about inheritance. The difference - on my side is there have been bitter rows over inheritance, who should get what or what was unfair etc etc whilst on my DH's side it goes very smoothly with no arguments. My plan is to enjoy myself and give as much to the people I love while I am alive and have very little left in the bank as the house I assume I will still be living in is more than enough for the kids. This may not be DH's plan

Talking about it to friends as "small talk" IS distateful.

Talking to close family members is essential to avoid arguments, disputes, etc.

Oooh the word distasteful makes my teeth itch

It may be that it's an open topic of conversation in her family, even a positive one. Maybe they're proud that she will end up with several houses. I know people who are happy they're in a position to make their dc's wealthy in future. Your friend may not have given much thought to the sad side. If she's lovely in all other ways, that's probably what it is.

My aunt married a widower (of three months ) who had his own very nice house and had just inherited his mother’s too. Two years later he died, and my aunt inherited the lot. His dcs who were at university inherited nothing, and my aunt didn’t even let them have their mother’s stuff. Some years later my aunt died, and all this went to my good-for-nothing cousin who had never worked in his life.

I suppose some people are too scared or too in love to have difficult conversations with new spouses.

@AllGongNoDinner

Oooh the word distasteful makes my teeth itch

Not as much as the expresssion “making my teeth itch”

DFIL will is written so everything is split equally between DH and his siblings. We were doing most of his care before he had to go into a home and siblings not happy (not the best decision, had chosen one which was too expensive) but it was the best for him and he is he happy and doing well (not that any of the siblings have visited even before first lockdown). I hope he remains in good health long enough to spend every penny and they get nothing.

Can they not work and get jobs or do they need not only their rparents money but mine also when I die
Exactly, @Newuser991 - my kids have been told to not expect a penny as I'll likely get Alzheimers as it is prevalent in our family and care homes are very expensive. My plan is to spend it all - I worked bloody hard to enjoy my retirement not sit counting it !