To find inheritance talk really distasteful

[Allthestarsarecloser]

I have a friend who is really lovely but she is constantly talking about her ‘inheritance pathways’ - it really does my head in. She’ll basically inherit housing wealth from several family members. I find it a really awful topic of conversation as it obviously means people will have died. It’s so dreadful. I will likely inherit from my parents but I neither expect it or want it as it means by parents will be dead.

Aibu to think any inheritance talk is really distasteful?

I don't like it, my parents used to bang on about theirs (in an attempt to control) throughout their life and threaten to cut me/siblings out if we did anything they didn't like (this could be over something as small as having a differing opinion). They went on to disown me + siblings anyway.

She shouldn’t count her chickens ...

My parents expected my two sisters and I to inherit, however my mum had a stroke and needs lots of care which is expensive. I doubt there’ll be anything left for us when they die. And that’s how it should be. I would far rather my parents had great care in their last years than skimp on it just so we can have the house and some cash when they go.

I don’t like your friend ☹️

In a nutshell, discussing inheritance between interested parties >> ok

Bluffing with friends about what they are getting >> massively distasteful

What I find distasteful here is talking about it to unrelated people. It's sensible to make a will and to review it from time to time. Sensible to inform your executor (a) that they are executor and (b) where to find the paperwork. If you want to tell the beneficiaries of the will what they're in line to inherit, fair enough, but you don't have to, and they'd be wise to bear in mind there may be nothing left if care expenses have to be paid first. For those beneficiaries then to start planning how to spend the money long before it's likely to come their way is perhaps understandable if they keep it to themselves, but to tell other people about it, especially if those people have no such expectations, are financially struggling, etc etc - eurgh.

Agree, it's really grim. I've seen numerous threads on Mumsnet about posters eyeing their future inheritance and moaning about who's getting what - despite the fact that their parents are still alive and well.

Whenever I see those threads, I always hope the parents secretly draw up plans to leave their entire estate to charity - that would serve the greedy feckers right!

Sorry, this has got me thinking.

We hate talking about death and what happens next in this country - It’s also worth talking about funerals too. We lost MIL 2 years ago and she left us nothing in the way of requests. As a result we had to take a guess on music and hymns as well as trying to trace her friends and relatives. We also had no idea whether she wanted to be buried or cremated and where she wanted to be so again have had to guess at what she might have wanted.

After dealing with that I told my own parents to just write some stuff on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope for me to open after they are gone. I said if they didn’t I’d deliberately play The Bay City Rollers (Who they can’t stand!) at their funerals.

If I were one of the elderly relatives being talked about by this person and I found out about this conversation I would change my will PDQ and leave it all to the Cats Home LOL...

OP I hate it, I work in finance and the amount of times family's say 'oh we don't we'd to worry because his moms 80 odd'

It's disgusting, literally makes me sick.

I would far rather it was talked about than not. Talking about it means that any misunderstandings are cleared up.

Hell yes. Try administering an intestate estate for a very old, never married cousin of your (dead) mother, and you will see how important it is to have a proper plan and Will.

Chasing down distant relatives she had never met, taking out insurance in case any more heirs appeared, dealing with neighbours who were promised stuff, notices in newspapers, just finding accounts etc, - not to mention big payout for IT...

I think my Mum's cousin would have wanted to leave most of it to just the relatives she knew, her friends, and to nursing charities - but I couldn't do that, and had to follow Intestacy rules.

Constantly talking about cash that isn't yours is wrong, as is resenting relatives spending what belongs to them. It's theirs. But planning for your own inevitable death properly is a sensible, considerate thing to do.

So therefore YANBU!! I think the worst thing about it is that it makes people pathetic they have to plan their life around money they haven't earned. Quite sad really

It can be distasteful, yes. However, some families do discuss the real practical details of death and inheritance more, so it could be that her parents talk in this way too. Whenever any grandchildren visited my gran, she would hand you a pack of stickers and say put your name on anything you want after I’m dead. And believe me, she had a lot of knickknacks. If you declined, she was offended so it was easier to go along with the game.

I find it in poor taste. And I am incredibly pragmatic. But I really didn't like how much the talk of inheritance dominated the conversation between DH and his sister when their father was dying. I think, in their case, they too were being incredibly pragmatic. But I do find in this country, people are very open about it in a way that doesn't sit well with me. People seem to know exactly what's coming their way and it's like they're just waiting for it. I find the people excessively dependent on inheritance money and then totally angry when their expectations aren't met. Lots of that!

I've had friends who've lost parents and elderly aunts/uncles and I have found the talks of 'windfalls' over cups of coffee very weird. You're getting the house, brilliant. But tell me about the person you've just lost (this seems to take a back seat).

So therefore YANBU!! I think the worst thing about it is that it makes people pathetic they have to plan their life around money they haven't earned. Quite sad really

Absolutely this, in a nutshell, is what I wished I'd said!

All depends on the context. I've talked to friends with us discussing whether we will gift straight to our (adult) kids but not in a bragging way

YANBU ... Whilst I don't find it distasteful as such, it certainly is presumptious. As pp have said, there are many things which could happen before your friend gets to inherit anything, including the relatives concerned needing residential care, rifts in family relationships, changes in circumstances etc. Why not point that out to your friend next time she brings it up?

Death and taxes(inheritance tax, in this case) are the 2 certainties, people should talk about both!
Plans should be in place for all the likely scenarios and all concerned should be aware of them.Planning to spend any money before you get it is, however, unwise and can lead to massive disappointment.

She won’t be inheriting anything if they all need to go in to care homes

@Ragwort

I find it distasteful if it is done in a bragging sort of way and there is no need for your friend to talk about it. However I do talk about inheritance with my elderly parents, they are nearly 90 and obviously won't be here for ever so I have seen a copy of their Will, I go through their financial files every year or so, I have met with their financial advisor so that when the time comes I know where the paperwork is, who their solicitor is, what their wishes are about certain personal items are etc etc. I think it is important to have that sort of discussion with your relatives, if possible, it can be a huge amount of paperwork to sort out at a time when you are grieving. We were, unexpectedly, executor for a relative's Will and it was a lot of work sorting through their house, dealing with admin, even things like trying to find the birth certificate. I have even sorted the photos for the funeral service sheet so that I won't have to do that in the midst of grief. .

We have also had a frank discussion with our DS about our Will etc.

But of course that is very different from "boasting" or discussing how you plan to spend any inheritance.

This. It is sensible to have these discussions with your family, we are all going to die and it can be incredibly difficult to sort things out after someone has died if their wishes aren’t clear. My parents are dead, my father left a will, my mother didn’t, and my father’s had not been updated for some years as he’d been ill for a long time. There were things my sibling and I had to try and guess. I had asked my Mum where she wanted to be buried, so at least we did know that. My Dad had left things to the grandchildren alive when he made the will, but not to the ones born later, so that was tricky. Having a clear idea of what someone wants to do with the money and possessions they leave is really helpful. Of course banking on getting a specific inheritance is a bit silly when care for the elderly can diminish that amount very swiftly, the majority of my Mum’s money was spent on her care home, even though she was only there for two years. Her home had to be sold to pay for her care.

Some people act like this is money owed to them and their relatives are slow to pay up. Those people should be left 1p each (and maybe a whoopee cushion)

IRL I've not seen it really, but on here you get "My parents are spending money on themselves that could have gone to me and my kids. Should I put my foot down!"

all my sister in law talks about is ‘when I get grandas money’ .... he’s very unwell and doesn’t have long left.
This is distasteful because there’s a very obvious and near end to it, but in general I don’t think it is. (As in, if parents/grandparents are otherwise fit and well)

It does sound greedy to be planning one’s life around Great Expectations, but I do agree that older people (even me!) should address the inevitable.

The pil refused to make wills or pass on any money. I think they felt it would jinx them in some way. Mil, when she was in her late 80s, had a new Karndean floor fitted. Very good, but - she was bothered about the 25-year guarantee and musing on what she would have after that... They were always terribly mean and investing and saving “for their future”.

In the end every single penny of the pils’ money including their house (save funeral expenses) went on care. No one dared have a conversation with mil (the boss). In fact when clearing the house a solicitor’s letter was found (whom they had consulted about releasing equity) and he had noted most strongly that they should consider taking inheritance advice and talking to their dcs. Ha ha.

My MIL was a very wealthy woman but every penny of her money went on nursing home fees over the final 4 years of her life. My BIL is still bitter about the fact 'his' money was frittered away on the 24/7 care his mother required.

I find the threads where posters are disgruntled because their parents are using the money they earned to go on holidays instead of giving it to their dc most distasteful. There is a certain level of entitlement on MN that parents should financially contribute to their able bodied, working dc until their dying day, and anything otherwise make a them selfish. There is a thread running now where posters are talking about what they are set to inherit, which is a joke really as in most countries there is no automatic right to inherit. For all they know their parents might have plans for the local donkey sanctuary! Of course now a lot of generational wealth is eaten up in care costs anyway.

YANBU.

Agree OP I hate it. I think it's best all round if you assume that any money anyone has is their money, and if you one day inherit some money, start thinking about that then. Because you might not, and it's 100% theirs to do what they want with. Especially awful when people object to older people spending their own money on themselves. So rude!

I have a relative who died last year and there has been a process through which me and my siblings are due a small amount of inheritance - even though the person has died it doesn't feel right to assume anything.

My ex will potentially inherit a vast amount and I find it so grim when he talks about it.

I find the threads where posters are disgruntled because their parents are using the money they earned to go on holidays instead of giving it to their dc most distasteful.

Yes! It boggles the mind, reading those threads. Also, the ones where the retired grandparents are living their lives and enjoying themselves as opposed to becoming ready-made childminders for their children's children get to me as well. The assumptions and expectations people have can be incredible.