To find inheritance talk really distasteful

[Allthestarsarecloser]

I have a friend who is really lovely but she is constantly talking about her ‘inheritance pathways’ - it really does my head in. She’ll basically inherit housing wealth from several family members. I find it a really awful topic of conversation as it obviously means people will have died. It’s so dreadful. I will likely inherit from my parents but I neither expect it or want it as it means by parents will be dead.

Aibu to think any inheritance talk is really distasteful?

It depends on the context. My DF tells me what he’ll be leaving me and my sister and that’s fine.
But I do think people shouldn’t count their chickens because all sorts of weird legal stuff can happen so inheritance can end up going towards their debts/ their care home or even sneaky people in their lives.
It’s a topic best avoided I think in general conversation.

You're not being unreasonable for disliking anyone using the phrase 'inheritance pathways'. Sounds like a twat.

Yes, I find it distasteful. It's not even practical - with an aging population people are living longer and having complex needs that can need specialist care, impacting inheritance.

Depends if it's a one off conversation or a ongoing topic.

I had a friend who has always banged on about her mil and how much money she had and how unfair it was she just hand it over to her son. Friend had a massive expensive house and too kids in private school and still banged on about how much they needed the money and mil.didnt. on reflection she was a not very nice person. It was a ongoing conversation for years.

But a once off isnt distasteful. It's not distasteful to talk or plan for death. Where do you draw the line on talking about death? Planning for palliative care and peoples wishes for that?

My parents both made a will and made sure we knew what their funeral wishes were. Once we had a copy of their wills, it was never mentioned again. An inheritance is not an inheritance until someone dies and you a cheque from the Executor.

*get a

My grandmother (DGM) had nothing apart from a massive gold charm bracelet that her 3 children had helped her build by buying charms to mark special occasions. As small children my DS, cousins and I loved to be told the stories behind each charm. So many memories over a life time.

One day my aunt just mentioned in passing to my DGM that all she had to pass on was the bracelet. Knowing my aunt this wasn't said in any sort of grabby way at all.

My DGM went out and sold the bracelet the very next day! She didn't like the thought that we were waiting for her to die to get it. My poor aunt was devastated and never forgave herself for the loss of the family history in that bracelet. But it was my DGM's to do what she wanted with it I suppose.

@PoloNeckKnickers

A work colleague was moaning when her elderly mum had a few home improvements done, as it would mean less money in the inheritance pot. I assumed she was joking but she was deadly serious. I was appalled!

That's really sad. Hopefully your colleague has no influence over her mums decision making if she wants to get some more home jobs done to make her life more comfortable.

I find it intensely distasteful, except under a very narrow set of circumstances. I don't like it any better between family members, who are the only people with any reason to be aware of possible inheritances. One of the most gleeful moments of my life came when an acquaintance who constantly bragged about her huge inheritance found out that her uncle left his entire estate to a charity, other than small, personal bequests, and the will was iron-clad. Rather than the several millions she had gloated about for a few years, she got a very nice car. Used. Luxury, but used.

It is the assumption and generally talking about money I find distasteful- those people could change their minds

It can be distasteful, but it can often be very sensible. I think we have initiatives supporting farmers to have this discussion for example as there’s so much at stake in a family farm, and succession needs planning. So my family members who have farmers in the family have been in these discussions.

Inheritance expectations seem to bring out the worst in some. I know two sisters who discovered the existance of a daughter their dad fathered (before he married their mum) but he's apparently unaware of her and the daughter also doesn't know he's her father. It doesn't appear it would cause family ructions if the daughter were 'announced' and the sisters are curious about their half-sister, stalk on her on social media etc but decided against contact and introducing to their family due to the potential impact on their inheritance! So first daughter and her father will unlikely ever meet so the sisters get a few more grand in the will.

I hate it. I’ll inherit housing/money, but I’ve honestly thought about refusing it and just passing it onto my children when it eventually happens. (Hopefully a good couple of decades away!)

My mum had some savings that she had hoped to pass on to her children.

But then she needed an expensive cancer drug that the NHS wouldn't fund for her circumstances.

Maybe it gave us another 6 months or maybe it did nothing at all but all of us told her she should have no qualms at all about spending the money to have a chance at surviving longer.

My dad has two properties and some savings but he is from a long lived family and both his parents had dementia. I hope, for his sake, he doesn't get it but realistically there is every chance he'll need care.

What my parents actually wanted was to have a wonderful fun retirement, travel the world and spend their money together. I wish they had got that and had a happy reason to have nothing to leave but cancer happened and dad says it's not the same on his own.

Inheritance chickens should certainly not be counted before they have hatched.

The lesson is that we just do not know what will happen.

It is distasteful and your friend should not be in any way expecting or pinning any hopes on it any time soon, her relatives might live to be 100 and spend a big chunk on care etc. And hopefully they do live a long life. That's why I think its distasteful. I've already lost my dad and have inherited half his estate but I'd rather he was still here obviously. If my mum lived to be 100 I'd be 77 so I'd be an old duffer by then myself 😂. Much better to plan without the thought of an inheritance as it's such an unknown.

We are very clear with our DCs about how our estate is left, where to find a copy of the wills etc.

My DM's will is likely to be very complicated. One DB is determined that the other DB will not 'get his hands on DF's money' (DF has been gone for the better part of 30 years). First DB has a lot of influence over DM and some strange ideas about wills (he is convinced that solicitors will somehow try to mess them up to create a legal mess to earn future fees). I fully expect DM's will to be complicated, full of unintended issues which will cost a fortune to sort out.

Thanks for all your comments- really interesting. It feels like there is a difference between talking about death and talking about money though I think. My friend talks about it as a source of future income and that’s what makes me uncomfortable- and it’s done in a kind of gloaty way. Apart from anything- are the cost of houses guaranteed anyway!

I'd probably just say "that's if it doesn't all get eaten up paying for care".

My Ddad had cancer for the last 5 years of his life. He openly talked about our (mine and my siblings inheritance) and told us of conversations he had had with a financial advisor to minimise the amount if IHT we might need to pay.

DH & I have made practical decisions re inheritance. My parents have done like wise but I do not expect a penny from them . My grandparents all had inheritance used up by care home fees. No-one is owed anything from an inheritance ( which is not to say arrangements should not be made and told to the relevant people )

My dad had talked to me a lot about it recently- they've lost a few friends recently so I think he's starting to think more about his own mortality (though he only just lost his mother and both his parents got to their 90s). As a result, they are starting to give away some money as 'early inheritance' (yes, they do know about deprivation of assets and 'gifts with reservation'- it's all being done in the advice of his financial advisor).

I realise we are very lucky and I certainly wouldn't gloat about it, nor tell others the full extent of what we get. Nor would I bank on getting anything at any point, DH and I are making provisions for our own future and anything we inherit from my parents in future would probably go to the DC.

I think there is a difference between families making sensible practical plans and being open about them, and people bragging about money they will only get when a relative dies.the latter is revolting and I would really not be impressed with a friend who talked like that.

I think it depends on how it's done, how often it's discussed, etc. If someone knows they're inheriting, it's only natural to consider how that may affect their future, especially if it has any bearing on the decisions they make in the present.

I don't want my grandfather to die, but I know that he's getting older, and it's inevitable. When he does pass away, his property will be split amongst the family, and to some degree that will affect my life. I'm not calculating what I might receive or what I'd do with it, but I'm aware that if I outlive him, I'll most likely benefit from his will.

Old novels are full of people (of a certain class, obviously) drifting around waiting for inheritances. It seemed to be an expectation - a Great one, even, and not distasteful. I guess there weren’t care home fees in Victorian times!

I find it interesting that you are not allowed to disinherit your children in some countries - Italy, for example. Furthermore, if someone dies, then their estate is divided between their spouse and their children; it does not go all to surviving spouse. This does lead to widows/widowers having to sell up (to pay their dcs their inheritance) or trade properties with their dcs, which I suppose could be considered positive.

It's gross. My mum died of Covid earlier this year and I am her only heir. I'd still rather have her than what she left me. Talking about arranging wills beforehand is not the same as the prospective heir rubbing their hands and looking forward to the cash.