To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

Actually that's your DHs inheritance so I kind of think it's mostly his decision. I think YABU and might cause your DH to get less than half of his inheritance in future. I think it's a lovely gesture and unless there's a backstory of them being abusive or potentially using this against you, you'd be utter fools not to take it. Because if what? Pride?

You aren’t married so it’s not and never will be your money.
Even if you are “bonded” it means nothing in a legal sense so if you do split it might be ring fenced.
Marriage isn’t about a fancy wedding it’s a legal status and in your shoes I would be very uncomfortable having a baby and putting money into a shared house without legal protection
There may also be issues around getting the house deposit as a gift as your in laws may have to sign something around that, take legal advice

If you think your partner or the in laws are likely to hold it over you then don't take the money. Also if you think that of your partner buying a house with him might not be the best idea.

Otherwise go for it. Though maybe put some aside rather than putting it all into the house if that makes it feel more equal.

Neither of you ABU, but realistically what house can you buy with 22k deposit plus you need money fees and solicitors.

I think it depends entirely on his parents and the relationship you have with them. If they are the kind of people to hold this against you forever, don’t accept the money. If they genuinely want you to have the money, no strings attached; accept.

You have a child together, it’s as much for your child’s future are yours. Also, you say you want an equal deposit but without his parents money, it’s still unequal just in the other way. He might feel the same way

I personally would want to accept it. It is for your family. Is it likely to come with no strings ( his brother may say what it was like). We plan to give our DC help with housing (which we have also been lucky enough to receive from In-laws).

Think it’s quite rare for deposits to be equal, you can each protect your deposit when purchasing the house. So if you came to sell and split you’d each get your deposit back before splitting 50/50 the rest.
I personally would take the offer, better to have a stake in something than to keep renting and paying someone else’s mortgage.

First of all I would suggest getting married so that you are financially protected in case of a split. Dress off ASOS, register office, meal with family at local Italian.
Then have a solicitor draw up a Deed of Trust to make clear that in the event of a split, you both get the same size of 'pie' as you put in, if that is your wish.
By accepting the £50k you will reduce your mortgage and mean you can provide your DC with more opportunity, as will have smaller mortgage repayments.
Accept graciously and make your legal arrangements sensibly.

You can ring fence it so he gets his 50k back and then the rest is split 50/50 should the house be sold for any reason.

Speak to the solicitor, i think it’s tennants in common rather than joint. My brother did it as he had no deposit and his OH had a large sum from her flat sale.

Could you put £15K into the house deposit and reserve the rest (or perhaps use some of it for the legal fees)to buy the house - then as you save every £1K or so you then pay £2K that off the mortgage using £1K from the reserved fund ?

It’s not really your decision though is it? Your DP can accept the money and then you each ring fence your deposits when buying the house. You could buy as tenants in common so that in the case of a split you’d each get what you put back in.

Why wouldn’t you want this money though and buy it on joint footing? It would enable you to have a bigger place / smaller mortgage payments which is no bad thing

If it was the other way around (ie you getting the big deposit) I’d see why you want to protect it but this way around really benefits you

Would you feel differently if he had saved the money himself?

In my experience there is always going to be a difference in what couples bring to the table but if you are both going all in then that’s what makes it fair. I had more money than my partner to put down when we bought a house but I knew he was bringing everything he could as did he so there was zero resentment or ill feeling.

The other option is that he keeps it in the bank, but then what? He spends it on himself. That could lead to other problems

I would want to get married ( how is childcare, will you temporarily be reducing your hours- hence affecting pension/promotion etc). If sacrifices are being made marriage and everything in joint names could be fair.

I would stop to consider if it came with strings. Does mil have a key to bil's house? Is she always popping in unannounced?
Will she expect to choose furnishings?? Has been known in a post some years ago!!

It makes more sense to me to accept especially if the same was given to your partner’s brother. Plus there could be inheritance tax further down the line if your in-laws wealth is above the threshold. If you feel uncomfortable you can hold the property as tenants in common and have a side agreement etc on contribution of share of deposit.

Just because they want to give him £50k, doesn't mean he has to put all of that into the house (although it would be the most sensible option!) He could use £15k to match your deposit; and then put the other £35k into another form of savings or pension. It would be a good rainy day fund.

Let the money be ring fenced so that his inheritance is protected for him in case you ever split up, and then you know that everything you put into the house will be yours.

I understand what you mean about feeling it’s not completely equal if you don’t put in the same, but most of it will be on a mortgage, and if your planning the rest of your lives together then it’s natural that over the course of a lifetime you’d put in different amounts financially anyway.

And agree with the PP. Unfortunately £22k for deposit plus legal fees, stamp duty and moving costs won’t get you very far at all

A lot of people when purchasing a house have very different deposits, you just get it written up by a solicitor how much each of you put in/get out if you were to split (can't remember the proper name for it!). I'm going to be putting £50k (like your partners parents, my mum and dad wanted me and my brother to have our 'inheritance' now) into our house deposit and my partner less than £10k, my partner is thankful for this as at the end of the day he is benefitting out of it too as it means a) we are looking to buy much sooner and b) we can now look at nicer houses. I would be upset if my partner hadn't wanted me to use this money for a house.

He should take it. It’s a huge help and will make your lives easier.

X posted with several people who explained a deed of trust much better than me

From where I'm seeing it . Hopefully as you say, you will be together for life. But if at some point your house needs to be sold so you can buy independently , then do this. House sells for £xxx . He takes £50,000 from it, you take your £15,000 and the rest is equally shared. That of course is that you equally paid same ( or at least % of individual salaries ) of mortgage and household costs .
The only time he would be putting in more is if you took time out of work for children.

@ShirleyPhallus

And agree with the PP. Unfortunately £22k for deposit plus legal fees, stamp duty and moving costs won’t get you very far at all

Depends where OP is, where I am you can get a nice 3 bed semi for 150k so with a 10% deposit that leaves you £7k for the rest which is do able.

The thing about this is that no matter whether people are 'bonded' or love each other - you can never fully know what another person is thinking. How many times have we read stories on here where it was totally fine until it wasn't and the person who hasn't put anything into the house has gone for half, regardless of marriage, kids, amount of time they have been together and completely screwed over the person they once loved. You can't know whether he will hold it over you or not. People don't go into abusive relationships thinking they will be abusive. It's not just about love and trust. You can completely trust someone until they do something that means you shouldn't. I haven't bought a house yet but will be extremely cautious in the future and insist on ring fencing our contributions if I bought with another person for this reason. I think it will be fine as long as you arrange to ring fence your contributions and then split any further value equally (if you sell later down the line).

Get married. Just as a smart move for both of you and your asserts.

Bonded means bugger all.

Take the money.

You aren't bonded for life because you had a baby. He could walk out tomorrow without a backward glance leaving you entitled to nothing of his.

It's his money and his decision to take it.

If you don't take it where are you living that £22,000 is a good enough deposit on a house?