To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

@pinkdragons

My DH thought nothing of accepting a £400K deposit from me / my family / my inheritance. While he put in jack shit.

I am resentful of him. While he helps pay the mortgage he gets to live in a very nice house he'd never have been able to afford. And calls it 50% his house because he pays 2/3rds of the mortgage. (Equal to about a quarter of the rental value per month).

I worry what would happen if we separate.

I wish we had never gotten in to this situation it has caused problems for us and agree with you it would be better all round to go 50 / 50 and to make do with what you can afford with that amount.

If you’re resentful to your DH for living in the marital home then he probably isn’t the one for you.

Get married, make mirror wills and ensure whatever happens it will all be left to your child and any future children.Then take it. Seriously. If you're 'bonded' for life, whatever that means, why arent you married? Never mind the nonsense, it's not just a piece of paper, it's legal protection for you and your son.

Fwiw I do understand. I lived in DDs dads house when she was small. I paid for an extension, a new kitchen and myriad furniture. My horrible mil would let herself in at all times of the day or not, rearrange our furniture, wouldn't allow him to change curtains or choose anything. She even had the final say when we bought a new sofa! Then he slept with every available woman in a 10 mile radius, I moved out, and voila! Nothing. Lost all my money and had no claim to anything.

I've been in this situation. My father gave me and my brother 20k each toward house deposits but when I bought my partner had less to put in than me. We bought the house because it was the right thing to do, thanked my father profusely and made sure that the 20k I put in was ring fenced if we split and sold the house.

Since then my father has died - the 20k gift has saved us some inheritance tax and because of my inheritance I now have considerably more to put into our next property than me and my partner have saved jointly. Our intention is to again ring fence my inheritance part of the deposit and then then rest which is joint savings anyway is 50/50. This isn't because I don't trust him or want things to be 'equal' it is also about protecting inheritance for our son if anything happened to either of us or we did split up.

I know we should get married for the legal benefits. You can get all the legal protection of marriage with multiple pieces of legal paper - Deed's of Trust, carefully thought out wills etc etc but ultimately marriage makes it simpler and cheaper (depending on the wedding!).

I'd get married tomorrow to get the paper work done. My partner is the one who is being all emotional about the fact that marriage is more than legalities.

Your other option is a civil-partnership.

This makes me so sad. We're saving for our kids' house deposits (they're only tiny) as we recognise that it will be almost impossible for them to buy a home without our help once they're adults. It would make me so sad if their partner blocked us from helping our children to buy a family home and they ended up unable buy, or buying somewhere smaller/less suitable because they were suspicious of our motives.

You can ring fence so it's no problem. I would take it no problem, with huge thanks, if his PIL don't attach strings to the deposit. If they want to choose the house, will call whenever they please, expect favours, throw it in your face if you have a disagreement then I would say no. If your DP will throw in your face then it would also be a no. I gave the entire deposit for our first house 15 years ago. Never mentioned it again. Consider our house to be both of ours.

Just get it legally written up that if you split he will get his share back and you will get yours. Seems crazy not to accept it when it will actually make your monthly payments less.

Very few couples put in the same exact amount into a house purchase.

Make sure you each protect your deposit

YABU why on earth would you turn down £50k 😂

DH has paid the grand sum of £0.00 in deposit and mortgage towards the house we live in and isn't on the deeds.

Still feels like it's his house.

Oh, but we're married.

Confused

Did op change her name?

A) bonded is a load of wank and means nothing

B) my DH and I had this exact issue prior to being married - I had zero for a deposit, he had £15k, his parents wanted to give us £35k.

We made the decision to buy as tenants in common to ring fence the deposit.

Irrelevant now as we’re married, have children and moved, but bought the current house as joint tenants.

I felt better having that arrangement.

@bluebluezoo you are right. Marriage can make you more not less vulnerable depending on the circumstances. Provided you (general you) are fully aware of and have made provision for the implications of not being married it's fine. People who just coast along assuming they will be ok in the event of something going wrong have a problem, people who have made an informed decision are sound.

You can't stop your partner taking the 50k that's bonkers take the money an put £15 k each into the house, invest the rest to use when you need it.

Get married. Then accept the money. Then it's joint money. Solved!

Tenants in common - it is very easy and each % is noted.

Get married. Then accept the money. Then it's joint money. Solved!

And this is why I'll never get married!

If I was the donator of that deposit, If I was them, I'd be looking to legally protect it in the light of any split, so at least their son gets his share back, and you protect YOUR input, too.

No one thinks their relationship will fail, and no one can say ''We are bonded for life'' as no one knows what the future may hold, sadly.

His parents want to give the money now to save on inherentence tax later. You are both being unreasonable and naive. He can take it and put the rest in savings for when you/he need it if you want to put equal amount on the house. It doesn’t matter who puts more money if you are in a strong relationship and committed to each other.

Also marriage is very important in the UK and give you legal rights so you should get married.

I put more down on mine and my now DH's first house. We got a solicitor to write up that I owned 80% of the house and him 20%.
It was my inheritance and I didn't want to risk losing it ( not that I thought we would break up but it's best to be sensible) this agreement stood until we got married and then everything became an equal split

You have a child together: this is no longer about you.

It is about whether that child gets to access the advantages their grandparents want to give them or not. They will be living in the house and presumably the first thing you will want to spend any extra money on, as parents, is the wellbeing of your child.

Yes, you could say that the money will come to them anyway in the form of inheritance, but you don't know that: many families find their inheritance is swallowed by inflation or the cost of nursing homes.

*If I was the donator of that deposit, If I was them, I'd be looking to legally protect it in the light of any split, so at least their son gets his share back, and you protect YOUR input, too.

No one thinks their relationship will fail, and no one can say ''We are bonded for life'' as no one knows what the future may hold, sadly*

Even if the relationship doesn’t fail, if one of you dies it means you can specify your money going to your children. If it’s joint money it all goes to the surviving spouse, who may get remarried, and leave it all to their surviving spouse, or spend it all, or give it away, or it be taken for care home fees, and your children might not see a penny.

Get a solicitor to draw up a note, articulating your concerns and starting how you would like this to be treated in the event that you separate and ask your partner and parents in law to get advice and sign in agreement.

If there are juggles they will come out as part of this process. I wouldn’t turn down the money flat out - it is a life changing amount.

We bought our house with partly a huge gift from my mil. I don't feel the house is any less mine.
With a large deposit it helps with getting a low interest rate on your mortgage as you will have a good LTV. The larger your deposit (and the lower your LTV), the better your mortgage rate will be.

If you have a child with this person just get married purely for legal financial protection.
DH parents gifted some of our deposit - we have it in a deed of trust that if (god forbid) we split it’s his not mine.

OP, PLEASE get informed! You are about to buy a house so do some research. It is going to be the biggest purchase you ever make so you need to know as much about it as possible. You will have probably spent more time researching your cars than you have buying your house. When it comes time to buy, it will be your responsibility to ask the right questions, instruct the right services etc and your conveyancer will be acting on your instruction. If they report something to you and you say “yeah, that sounds fine” they’ll take you at your word ie they’re not going to say “Really? You’re happy with that? Might not be a good idea...”. Yes they’ll offer advice from a legal perspective, but it may be something you’re not actually happy with eg is there a service charge and what are the associated costs (these can run to £100s)...are the roads adopted...is it leasehold...is it affected by possible development...what are the access arrangements...will you have to pay ground rent...does what you’re buying match what’s on the title deeds (that is 100% on you to check as your conveyancer does not do site visits! Has a neighbour moved a fence and stolen some of the garden? What are your remedies if they have?)...has something been altered at the property and has it been done legally? There are SO many things that you can naively wander into if you don’t know what questions to ask. Also, READ YOUR TITLE REPORT AND TITLE DEEDS WHEN YOU GET THEM! Don’t just sign stuff saying you’ve read them without having actually read them! Tenants in common with a deed of trust. You’ll also have to disclose the gift to your lender and DP’s parents will have to provide ID, a statement saying the money is a gift and doesn’t require repayment and they may have to provide bank statements etc to show where the money has come from. What does your DP think about it?

Also being bonded by having a child will mean pretty much nothing should you split up. Get married if you want security and financial protection in the event that the relationship breaks down. You are in a very vulnerable position by not being married

This with big flashing singing bells on