To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

I'm not sure why ppl are advising the op to buy as tenants in common, joint tenants would be more security for the op if she worries about the house not feeling like hers. Of course her OH might prefer tenants in common but I wouldn't push for it in the op's situation if my partner was happy to buy as joint tenants

Because that’s the fair thing to do? If it were the other way round and o/p was thinking of putting her inheritance into a joint purchase would you advise the same?

In common she will still benefit from any price increase, mortgage payments etc.

It’s your partner’s decision whether to accept the £50k, but a joint you-him decision whether to use it for the house.

I would suggest one of the following:
(A) go ‘all in’ on joint finances. Joint account and what’s his is yours and vice versa. Accept the £50k and see it as a happy gift to both of you from your child’s grandparents. Or,
(B) you put in £15k, he puts in £15k, and separately he puts (as a loan) the remaining £35k with it documented that when the house is sold he gets back that £35k, and that you both own 50% of the house ie the loan doesn’t change that he only has 50% equity.

Either way I think you should use it for the house. When you get a mortgage the interest rate on everything you borrow is so high, that extra £35k will save you tens of thousands of £ which would otherwise be wasted on interest payments to the bank.

Also get married or get some serious financial advice on wills etc.

When I say bonded by our son, I mean, the decision to have a baby shows our relationship is as strong as possible as we both consider that a bigger commitment than marriage

It really isn't though, otherwise there wouldn't be so many Mumsnetters complaining the father of their kids keep making excuses not to marry them.

Why are you being so naive? Take your head out of the clouds and get real. You now have a child who deserves to have the stability and security of married parents. How kind of your partner's parents to offer him £50k. It's a very sensible decision for them also, in terms of estate planning. We gave our daughter £50k for a house deposit, and will be giving them another £50k when they're ready to move to a larger house. The difference? She is married to our lovely son-in-law. It's about trust in people as well as money. You're very fortunate - I would say thank you so much, and also get down the registry office. Romantic notions of being bonded are totally an illusion, deal in reality.

As you're not married it doesn't really affect you and is your DPs decision really, it's his inheritance. He could always accept the money but put it into his savings for the future rather than your shared property if that is an issue for you.

When we moved to our first house together DH had 2 flats (that he sold to get the deposit) and I had about a years salary in savings. He put in about 10 times as much as me. But we jointly pay the mortgage and will likely use some inheritance from my family to pay off the mortgage.

We are more bonded for life than marriage

Take it!

I'm not going to vote, because you can't be considered unreasonable for feeling uneasy but this is a no-brainer.

Provided no strings attached, your DP should accept the money and boost your (his) deposit.

You buy the house as tenants in common, with a legal agreement attributing percentages of ownership. Or, you get married and share ownership. Or you do the first, followed later by the second. All good, financially safe, emotionally reasonable, morally fair options.

This enables you either to buy the same house you would have but both pay less interest on your mortgage. And/or, buy a better house.

Choosing to decline the gift in order that you can both pay the bank far more in interest payments than you need to, so live more years of your lives in bigger debt, would be a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

If you were the parents, had the money spare and this was your child, partner and grandchild, would you not want to do this for them? It's probably the most meaningful and financially effective use of 'inheritance' you could possibly offer.

It's really very simply. You tell your solicitor you're going to be tenants in common, you with x% of the property and DP with x%.
Or.
You get married and go forward as joint tenants (providing your ILs were happy to essentially gift you 25k).

@Billben

We are more bonded for life than marriage,

😂 No woman can be this naive, surely?

There was a R4 program about money & law and one caller had 4 children but never married, the day they dropped their youngest at uni he told her it was over and she was to leave. She thought she’d be entitled to something but she wasn’t.

Nonsense common law wife myths don’t help either.

I totally understand the pride thing, but remember you’ll be paying the mortgage payments along with him for a very long time. You’ll also have to kit it out with stuff, fix things when they break, decorate and re-decorate, pay bills, generally keep the house ticking over, which all takes time and money. I was in a very similar situation and it will feel like your house, trust me!

Fwiw my father gifted DH and I £50k, we are joint tenants. DH feels like it's his house.

Because that’s the fair thing to do? If it were the other way round and o/p was thinking of putting her inheritance into a joint purchase would you advise the same?
Well, despite contributing all of the deposit, I still bought as joint tenants. The mortgage was only possible with both our incomes so ringfencing the deposit didn't seem fair to me. He couldn't have bought without my deposit, I couldn't have bought without his income, so we bought jointly. Amounts in to the 100s of thousands I might feel differently

We gave our daughter £50k for a house deposit, and will be giving them another £50k when they're ready to move to a larger house

Has your sil put in the same? If not you do realise marriage may have weakened her financial security? If they split that 100k will be considered a joint asset and he may walk away with a big chunk of it. Trust all you like but romantic notions of marriage won’t stop her losing out in a split.

Marriage is only financial “security” to the person who brings less money in.

I think it’s unfair to tell someone they cannot get their inheritance. It’s not something a partner should get to say. If they don’t want to access it fine.

£50,000 deposit was mine when we bought a house, £10,000 was husbands.
We bought the house as tenants in common so if we were to split we would both get our deposits back before the house was split 50/50.

There are ways to have your cake and eat it. The house will be bought in both your names, equal ownership.

You'll have enough money in the budget to pay a lawyer for advice and to draw up watertight agreement for what happens should you part company.

Once you own a property , both of you should create Wills to ensure that if one dies, the survivor is fully protected (and your offspring).

If the parents have a very large amount of money tied up in their business, then their final estate may face a substantial bill for inheritance tax. It makes good sense to mitigate that as far as possible and that's probably what they are trying to do.

It's a very generous no-strings offer, so don't miss it.

 Firdt, the house is owned equally

Take the money , it's a joint mortgage it's no more his because he paid a higher deposit.
If you do split in the future and aren't married deduct what you've each paid in deposit then the rest 50/50 with the house sale .
It's a no brainier for me

You can buy as Tenants In Common , as PP have said, and each specify your share of the house.

If this makes you feel uncomfortable, that he will have more than you, I would look at your relationship rather than the finances.

Do you feel his greater share would translate into power? Do you feel you need to have the same amount of money in the house because otherwise you don't feel independent? If so, why?

I do think women need to be secure and protect their own assets, and not be vulnerable to men due to money issues.

Your ongoing situation is more relevant if you ask me, than an extra £XXk to put down on a deposit.

Are you still working? is your income good and is childcare shared in terms of time, tasks and paying for it? Your real vulnerability is if your income has taken a hot due to motherhood, while his has not and he is not supporting you for the difference. And if you would be left high and dry in terms of pension, savings and job prospects if he left you.

I assume you would both be responsible for the mortgage and own the mortgaged share equally?

@Meowchickameowmeow

We are more bonded for life than marriage

Law of the land trumps love.

You really, really need to get proper legal advice

My parents gave us £10,000 to help buy our house and I have never thought about it being more from ‘me’ than my DH.

And talking of having your cake and eating it... as pp pointed out, acceptance or not of this money is not your decision to make - because you're not married.

Is the offer conditional on it being used as a house deposit, or is it DP's to do with as he will? To boost his pension for example, so you can be unequal in retirement? His savings, so you have unequal financial cushions in life?

While you are not married, there will always be financial inequality.

I'm not necessarily saying you should get married. But you should avoid naivete.

Also bear in mind if your in laws die within 7 years of the gift you may be liable for inheritance tax on the gift.