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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down £50k?

233 replies

TigerPig89 · 21/11/2020 09:51

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

OP posts:
Bakingcupcake · 22/11/2020 18:07

I had a similar situation where myself and partner were buying first house, I had a substantial amount to put towards house meaning I owned circa 75% of house...we basically got a contract written up by my solicitor to state that in the event of house needing to be sold due to relationship breakdown etc etc my 75% was still mine basically, we had about a 45% mortgage so i put a large amount of money in and wanted to be protected (especially being burnt from a previous relationship). I am now married to said partner and have 2 kids and we have sold 2 properties since then, but I have made very clear to my husband were anything to go wrong my money would still be mine as he brought nothing to the table. I do trust him and love him very much but as another poster said if things breakdown/get nasty you never know what another person would do, although he knows I would just chop his balls off Grin ...you both just need to protect your assets...but myself and husband have joint accounts we share everything...and ultimately what i say to my husband now as everything is joint whats mine is mine, whats yours is mine!!!

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 22/11/2020 18:09

You feel bonded, you have a child. 65k as a deposit will change the kind of house you can look at or would give you a lower mortgage. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

ANP88 · 22/11/2020 18:18

My concern would be that any sale of the house if you split will mean he may get more back.

If you only need the smaller deposit, then put that to your house. Take the bigger mortgage. Use the rest of the £50k to buy a buy to let or invest it in shares / isa etc. for your kids (in their name, not his). Make sure it’s protected for their future.

This would be a missed opportunity if you say no.

Speak to a Lawyer about how this should all be done (based on what you both agree is best) to make sure you or your children aren’t left missing out. If he leaves you, you can split the house 50/50, and your kids are looked after in the future.

If you’re still not sure, get a financial advisor to guide you.

Yespresh · 22/11/2020 18:22

You’re worried about money but you ar enot married or legal partners? Omg. You are not each other’s next if kin. If one of you is seriously ill or dies the other one wont be talked to by doctors, solicitors or undertakers.

Sudoku88 · 22/11/2020 18:27

YABU. What’s his is yours and what’s yours is his. You are a team and building for the future. You have a child together and there should be no differentiation between what is yours and what is his (doesn’t matter if you’re not married).

My husband and I have been together 20 years and we are as one. From the very beginning there was no differentiation between what he had and what I had. And that’s how a proper unified partnership should be. I was a SAHM for many years. He provided everything for me and treated me as an equal partner; because together we were building for the future.

So take the money. The house you buy will be just as much yours as it is his.

Acarerformum · 22/11/2020 18:29

We gave our daughter and her partner 3/4 of the deposit they needed for their house (No children involved) under the condition that the house was 3/4 hers and 1/4 his if anything happened. This was written in the contract for the house. Unfortunately they did split (his doing). When they split our daughter bought him out and kept the house on.

ChocolateNoodle · 22/11/2020 18:53

I’d accept their kind offer of £50,000. It’ll cover your house deposit and more, enabling you to achieve the best mortgage rates. As you’re not married, but have a child, you’ll need to consider having Wills drawn up and while you’re at it, do a Martin Lewis, and ask the Solicitor to draw up Lasting Power of Attorney on each of you to include both Health and Finance.

NeonIcedcoffee · 22/11/2020 19:10

If you have a child together it's really weird you're still thinking in terms of my money and his money. Surely it's just your money?

Littlepaws18 · 22/11/2020 19:13

When you buy the house take out a legal agreement to say that that 50k is his and the 15k is yours. I did this with my ex husband and when we split we honoured it. Always felt like my home.

Twonka · 22/11/2020 19:30

My parents did the same, they did request we did a deed of trust to protect me if we split up. Take it, his parents are gifting you money, as they said better now than after what we inheritance tax is... they are doing what is fair, it means you can have a nicer house or less money worriea to bring up their grandchild... be grateful, it’s not often you will be in that situation, I get you may feel a bit awkward, but it’s a wonderful offer... respond with a thoughtful gift - flowers/wine to show your appreciation...

vincettenoir · 22/11/2020 19:36

Your DP should take the money. In the grand scheme of things it’s no biggie if he is putting in a larger share of the deposit. Couples probably put exactly the same amount in v rarely. But as many others have said it is his decision whether to take it or not.

FelicisNox · 22/11/2020 19:49

YANBU but that doesn't mean he can't accept the 50k.

He can match your 15k deposit and put the rest in his savings..... maybe think about marriage if it interests you and put the remainder of that money towards a wedding and amazing honeymoon?

Awomanwalksintoabar · 22/11/2020 19:56

I’m sure the OP is long gone, and I’m not sure whether this has already been said. But I once read on here something that has stayed with me.

A poster said “Having a baby with someone is a commitment to the child. Buying a house with someone is a commitment to the house (and mortgage). Only getting married is a commitment to each other.”

It really resonated with me, and I want to say it to every poster who thinks a baby is a commitment to the relationship. It’s not.

ChateauMargaux · 22/11/2020 20:01

Take the money!! You will have made bigger sacrifices in terms of your future earning capacity by choosing to have his child.

Metallicalover · 22/11/2020 20:02

@Awomanwalksintoabar
I like that! It's simple and it's true!

Noti23 · 22/11/2020 20:14

It’s his inheritance. It’s stupid to say no.

blackkitty1234 · 22/11/2020 20:26

My husband’s parents gave him a similar amount of money to buy our house. At first I wasn’t sure but now I am glad we accepted. He paid all of the deposit, I contributed at big fat zero but I have never felt like it’s less my house.

BitOfFun · 22/11/2020 20:30

For everybody suggesting putting the surplus into savings, I'm not sure that's great advice in terms of current interest rates. I've read on here that Martin Lewis advises putting any windfall into a pension scheme, as it works out even better value than paying off the mortgage.

Proper financial advice (and obviously getting married) is the best way forward, assuming he accepts the money, which he really should.

PamDenick · 22/11/2020 20:33

£1k on a wedding
£49k on deposit.

Happy ever after.

Carolbetty · 22/11/2020 21:14

what WinelsMyCarb said - spot on!

Ddot · 22/11/2020 21:49

Take the money, if you are that uncomfortable about it see a solicitor and ring fence his money. It will still be your house too. My advice quickly cheap wedding. If anything happens it's better your married. SHIT does happen

NeonIcedcoffee · 22/11/2020 22:42

@Awomanwalksintoabar

I’m sure the OP is long gone, and I’m not sure whether this has already been said. But I once read on here something that has stayed with me.

A poster said “Having a baby with someone is a commitment to the child. Buying a house with someone is a commitment to the house (and mortgage). Only getting married is a commitment to each other.”

It really resonated with me, and I want to say it to every poster who thinks a baby is a commitment to the relationship. It’s not.

Right yeah ok
Ddot · 22/11/2020 23:18

Awful story but here goes, woman lived with man for many years, he had a house. He got Ill she nursed him till he died. His family who didn't even visit, tossed her out of the home. No time to mourn. She moved in with her mum, died a few years later, starved herself to death. Now I know that is an extreme scenario but like I said shit happens

Ddot · 22/11/2020 23:20

Sorry to be a debbie downer

Celestine70 · 23/11/2020 00:17

You can legally can just stipulate if you split up he gets that 50k out of the house and you get 15k before you split the rest.

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