To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

I would accept the money. Most areas of a relationship will be unbalanced. Does your DP do half of the childcare? If it is less then what happens if you split?

So many people would love to have this ‘problem’!

Absolutely!

Just accept it and let him ringfebce it as it’s his inheritance. It’s really not a big deal. If you break up you split the equity and he gets his ringfenced money minus the amount that matches your contribution.

If your partner doesn't accept this gift now, you may find that he (and ultimately your child) would never benefit from it. It may be swallowed by care home fees or (if the capital remains intact until his parents pass away) it will definitely be significantly reduced by inheritance tax. Surely allowing DP and DC the opportunity to benefit from this kind gift outweighs any discomfort you might feel? If it's a real issue for you, could you contribute a greater percentage of the mortgage payments every month?

Whether or not you use it for the deposit, your husband should take the money now for the best chance of avoiding inheritance tax.

Unless his parents have a history of being controlling and arsey about it, I'd go for it. And it is possible for parents to give money freely without being demanding (my parents paid for our wedding catering and venue without expecting any control over our wedding). It sounds likes a genuine offer for the reasons they said, as in no need for it to wait until he inherits, and not a power play.

I haven't read the full thread but was in a similar situation. My OH's parents lent us money to build a house. When it was ready, we mortgaged it and paid them back - but we were short of £30k - only because we were needing tiles/flooring/carpets/furniture etc. We asked if we could pay them back in a couple of years when we were straight. They actually gifted it to us which was incredibly kind and then gifted the same amount to his siblings so it was 'fair'. (yes, they are well off as Granny had died recently, leaving them with a large sum to invest.) I am so grateful to them for this help - they didn't have to help us but they really wanted to. We are married, but I already said that if we split (unlikely!!) I wouldn't fleece him - we would divide the property and I would give him 30k back out of my share. But then we have a fairly easy relationship and if the worst happened I know he would step up with custody/maintenance etc. He's not a shirker of responsibility...

Take the money and make your life easier. Enjoy your lovely house and invite your in-laws and tell them how grateful you are over dinner. It makes for a lovely relationship.

Just ring fence the deposits and say thank you.

To be honest, it’s not your money or your decision.

@Gwenhwyfar

Some people literally have never left the area they live in. That's just one example of someone who has no real world experience and thinks the area they live in is how the rest of the world is too. Its a blinkered view of the world. Still surprising to see, you would hope withhow much access people have to Google etc to learn about other places that this kind of thing wouldn't still be happening.

@EggysMom

Just because they want to give him £50k, doesn't mean he has to put all of that into the house (although it would be the most sensible option!) He could use £15k to match your deposit; and then put the other £35k into another form of savings or pension. It would be a good rainy day fund.

I suspect the money would no longer be available if this was the plan.

To be fair you haven’t been offered it, so you can’t turn it down. Actually he may even be able to use it to buy on his own anyway.

Since you aren’t married it is easy to keep your finances separate and your investment in the house or anything else.

If you want to be independent then this is what that means. I think you are being controlling rather than independent.

Okay I am quite niave to how the legal bits work so I didn't realize you could ring fence your deposit contributions.

His parents are lovely and I don't think their would be any strings. Plus they are hundreds of miles away.

I guess my hesitation is based on pride. I've earned everything, always had rubbish second hand cars that I've paid for in my own cash etc

But from reading your responses I now realize I don't have any say over whether he takes that money as it's his. And as long as the deeds reflect our contributions I feel better about it.

I do realize how lucky we are, because it would mean smaller repayments. I guess I've always been bad at accepting others generosity.

When I say bonded by our son, I mean, the decision to have a baby shows our relationship is as strong as possible as we both consider that a bigger commitment than marriage - I was just trying to say we have committed to each other already.

But yes, I do appreciate that marriage comes with security which is why I thought it was relevant to say we weren't married.

Thank you so much for the unanimous advice! Really appreciated.

Just why wouldn't you ? Madness. Could either reduce the mortgage needed or buy all the stuff needed.

Buy as tenants in common and have a deed of trust drawn up which ring fences your respective contributions to the deposit in the even of a split

Get him to put in equal amount of deposit, ensure your house is legally equally owned.

Then he can use his remaining inheritance on a buy to let flat or similar.

OR get married.

@WineIsMyCarb

First of all I would suggest getting married so that you are financially protected in case of a split. Dress off ASOS, register office, meal with family at local Italian. Then have a solicitor draw up a Deed of Trust to make clear that in the event of a split, you both get the same size of 'pie' as you put in, if that is your wish. By accepting the £50k you will reduce your mortgage and mean you can provide your DC with more opportunity, as will have smaller mortgage repayments. Accept graciously and make your legal arrangements sensibly.

This. You need to stop with the romantic “ bonded for life “ nonsense and get a few legal contacts sorted out.

House purchase with your respective deposits protected.
Wills and POA
Life insurance.

Less sentiment and more paper. You have a child and need to act like a responsible adult. If you were my DD I’d be having words about your silliness and naivety and putting my GC at risk.

And either marriage or you get back to work full time right now and split all bills according to your income. Make sure your DP does half the childcare , housework and nursery pick up.

@Hoppinggreen

You aren’t married so it’s not and never will be your money. Even if you are “bonded” it means nothing in a legal sense so if you do split it might be ring fenced. Marriage isn’t about a fancy wedding it’s a legal status and in your shoes I would be very uncomfortable having a baby and putting money into a shared house without legal protection There may also be issues around getting the house deposit as a gift as your in laws may have to sign something around that, take legal advice

This. Surely they are not offering you 25k of it?

Assuming not, make clear to him that you want to put in equal amounts and the rest of his finances are his business. Make clear arrangements about how you are splitting expenses and what maintenance is paid by whom if the childcare is uneven. It may be unromantic but it saves arguments later.

Or just get married and share finances. Great excuse to have a small, stress-free wedding at the mo.

Of course you should accept it. We have given our DSs considerably more than that for house purchase, neither are married and their partners' parents are not so fortunately placed.
We are far happier seeing them enjoy the fruits of our hard work than letting the government nab it when we die.

I don't see the issue. This isn't remotely unusual, and your solicitor can ensure that the money you have each put in is ringfenced.

I'm doing something very similar for my DD and son in law. I have no idea how much my SonIL is putting in and it's none of my business. But having seen all my DM and DMIL's savings and house proceeds eaten up by their care costs, I'm determined that my kids get something now, as from my grandparents down, not a single person in my family has ended up with anything for their children to inherit.

I'm not sure why ppl are advising the op to buy as tenants in common, joint tenants would be more security for the op if she worries about the house not feeling like hers. Of course her OH might prefer tenants in common but I wouldn't push for it in the op's situation if my partner was happy to buy as joint tenants.

We are more bonded for life than marriage,

😂 No woman can be this naive, surely?

Get married.
Each put in half of deposit.

DH puts the rest of his gift into rainy day fund.

Name change fail?😂

Nobody is being unreasonable here. I would accept it but you can sort something out in your will to be protected to some degree (easier if you get married though).

We were engaged to be married at the time so a bit different but when we bought our marital home I put in a tiny deposit and husband got a substantial “advance” on his inheritance, otherwise we would not have been able to buy it. Think this kind of scenario is quite normal. Deposits are rarely equal.