To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

You are silly not to accept it.

Why have you posted this twice, using two different user names?

Also I think OP means she has 15k towards the deposit, partner has 7k of his own and she would prefer if he only took 7k from parents to make his half up to 15k. So 30k deposit, not 22k.

Stop putting off getting married for one thing. It's not just a piece of paper, it's legal protection. You have a baby, stop being naive and thinking all will be fine. You've no idea if it will be.

You can either ring fence off each deposit and get it back if you split. Or you can just pool both deposits together and do 50/50 if you split. We did 50/50 because although we borrowed money from his parents for the deposit, we are paying them back equally (we just pool all money into one account and don't have separate stashes of money). I'll pay my half back even if we split up, it's not his parents fault if that happens, not going to penalise them for that. But you don't have to pay it back so it's different.

I would personally pool both amounts together and be done with it.

We had the reverse situation. Got a deed of trust. It allowed us to buy a house that is actually big enough (sort of) with a lower interest rate. If my partner had refused my parents gift we would have been stuck with a small flat or crap area and higher monthly payments. For the sake of pride. I would have been annoyed.

What is your earning power like after having your son? How are finances generally split between you? Honestly with a child marriage will be the best protection. You could ring-fence his money as long as you revisit the arrangements if you come into money.

Absolutely get the deposits ring-fenced in case of a split but I honesty dont see how you can tell him not to accept it. It's his decision and if he wants to accept the money then he is free to do so.

Also being bonded by having a child will mean pretty much nothing should you split up. Get married if you want security and financial protection in the event that the relationship breaks down. You are in a very vulnerable position by not being married.

Depends where OP is, where I am you can get a nice 3 bed semi for 150k

Yep, where I am it would be less than 125k, no stamp duty due, £1000 would cover solicitor fees and searches. Moving costs can be minimal if you don't already own and don't have to do it in one day.

You'll need something writing up that says that in the event of breakup and sale you both get your deposits back and then the percentage of the excess based on mortgage payments. If you both pay half the mortgage then he gets his 50k back, you get your 15k back, the bank takes what's left of their contribution and anything left is split in half.

You may be bonded but you're not financially and legally so you need to make sure you're both legally protected. You need to make it clear that youre both paying the mortgage especially. I'd say make a joint account for all expenses and both pay the same amount of money in each month.

I think he uses 7.5k to put to the house and the rest of the 50k goes into an account and is his. He chooses what is done with it.

Do consider carefully if it comes with strings attached. I received an inheritance from my DGM which formed a large part of our deposit for our first home. My DF used to hold this over my DH and even referred to our home as “his (DF’s) investment”.

Also, being “bonded for life” sounds like a beautiful relationship, but it would probably be wise to make it legally binding.

forget the bonding for life nonsense that's for swans and other birds, marriage is your security for the future you have a young dc to think about.

“Bonded”?

What are you? Swans, gibbons or shingleback skinks?

Oh God can you imagine the conversation?

"Hi mum, dad. Thanks for the offer of 50k it's so kind of you. But we can't take it."

Mum - "oh? Why?"

"Jenny says she doesn't want it."

Mum -

I think that some legal advice is the only way forward here. His family will want his inheritance to be protected and you’ll need to realise that being bonded through your son means (in the kindest possible way) bugger all when it comes to dividing assets if you split.

I think attitudes to money also come into play here. If I or my DH inherited that amount and used it to buy a house then neither of us would feel like it wasn’t really our home because any money that comes in is family money.

You need to put your DCs stability first and accept the money. Otherwise you are putting your pride ahead of what is best for your family. Buying somewhere with a bigger deposit means smaller monthly repayments or buy a slightly bigger place to avoid costs of moving later.

Just build a contract into the purchase with your solicitor as mentioned above. DH put in a deposit that was half the value of our home, I barely had anything. I suggested protecting his deposit but he didn’t want to. Once we had a baby it didn’t seem a big deal. You’re stuck together and contribute in different ways to a new life with a child. More so if you have a second baby. Marriage made a difference but the baby was a much bigger commitment to us.

Accepting it also gives your child a better life. Maybe a nicer home but certainly a more financially secure childhood.

Marriage is so important when you're committing to marriage and children. Absolutely don't have the big wedding if you don't want it. Marriage is not about feelings, it's a very practical thing.

I agree that you can ring fence the deposits if you would feel more comfortable doing it but ultimately think about your lifestyle and how this could make things easier for your family. Maybe the same house you would have bought but with far less mortgage, or maybe a better house, meaning you don't have to move again.

Bloody hell OP, do you realise how lucky you are to be offered this money? Take it!!

Treat it as you would his inheritance, would you say no to that?

Accept the money and move to some security with it (marriage is an easy way).

If you don't take it where are you living that £22,000 is a good enough deposit on a house?

Really? Have you never ventured further out than your own city? How can you not know that house prices vary drastically across the uk and the world? We put in 7500 for our deposit. 22k is plenty for a lot of places in the UK. Think you need more real world experience.

Do people on mn not realise that house prices differ everywhere? We put 17.5k down for a 3 bed semi, massive garden, extension, garage and parking for 2 cars. Only thing we needed to do was decorate the kids bedrooms as we have boys and teenage girls had the rooms before.

I don't get what you're worried about as long as there's no strings attached with the parents' wanting to interfere or have a say in anything. As long as they're giving it freely to be fair with all their DC, then why wouldn't you want the help to buy a house?

You can get documents drawn up that show who put what deposit in so that if you did ever split and sell up then your different sums are protected. But as you say you're a partnership, then it's all shared money in terms of it being your house and you would both be equal owners as long as your names are both on the mortgage/deeds/official paperwork.

So legally you can cover all bases fine, and if you're as secure as you say, then I wouldn't let some abstract (emotional insecure?) notion of ownership bother me.

That said, I would have got married in your position anyway as the "We are more bonded for life than marriage" approach gets so many mothers in the shit as you can see on here day in and day out.

So many people would love to have this ‘problem’!

FWIW, we gave substantial help to a dd and her dh when they were buying their 2nd house. I have never heard or even suspected, that SiL has a problem with it.

In any case, should there ever be a split, then from a legal POV in the U.K. - assuming the house is in joint names - you can’t ‘protect’ that money so that it all has to go back to the child of the donors.*
If it’s ‘tenants in common’ then you can assign percentage shares.

*In other countries you can - one I certainly know of is Sweden.

Take it because it stops it going in care fees.

Get married though, it’s short sighted to say your bonded for life. The world is full of people who thought their partner wouldn’t leave and legally your just two separate entities living under one roof. Like a flat share.