To turn down £50k?

[TigerPig89]

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

You can buy lots of homes near me for 60k. £20k deposit means LTV rate of 75% on houses of £80k and 80% on houses of £100k. That would get you.3 beds, a garden and a garage. We don't all live in the South East.

My parents did this as part of their estate planning. I'd get the money eventually (care home fees aside) so I might as well have had it when I needed it most was their logic. My DH is nothing but grateful.

Bonded means nothing in terms of tax planning as a couple (inheritance tax, married tax allowance). Neither of you have a robust access to each other's pension necessarily if one of you dies. Anything in his bank accounts goes to his legal beneficiaries (that's not you, you're not his wife) if he dies intestate.

You need to get married now you have a child and are buying your first home to optimise your financial situation and protect BOTH of you.

Unless there's a practical or legal or financial big reason not to (there are some, but not many, where a woman like you shouldn't get married, to protect inheritance in case your husband remarried or something).. do the responsible thing and stop this "bonded" nonsense because it means fuck all to HMRC or a financial planner or the probate process.

You're just a girlfriend.

His family will want his inheritance to be protected

Not necessarily, my parents contributed towards my deposit (admittedly not as much as 50k) and i asked if they wanted me to finance their deposit and they said the money was a gift and free to do whatever I thought best. We bought as joint tenants not tenants in common.

*ringfence their deposit

Get married. There are so many benefits to marriage that are not about the love or bond.

I'd leap up and down screeching with joy if someone could give me £50k towards a house.

Posted too soon
So can we stop belittling op's perfectly acceptable deposit?

Good on you op for wanting to stand on your own two feet. Chat it through with your partner, see how you both view money (yours / mine / ours / dunno not had much before)

Our house is 86% mine, 14% dh's. It's in our wills. My share goes to my son, his share goes to his son. We did it that way because we were older when we got married. It feels like 50/50 when we think of it as our home together, but when we think of it as a financial asset, it's 86/14.
Take the money. As you go through life, some relationships will fail, others won't, but we have to learn to deal with things not being 50/50 sometimes and do it maturely and fairly.

Take the money! If anyone stands to lose, it's not you, assuming the house will be 50:50. Your DP's parents want to use some of their money to set their son and his family up. They obviously have no qualms about you, and rightly so it seems.

I would drop the "bonded" nonsense. It begs the question "really? So why not married?" where otherwise you wouldn't think twice about whether a couple is married or not.

Omg take the money! Dp and I bought a flat together before we got married and we always shared our money.

My in-laws gave us £100K from DHs future inheritance... we did sign something tho to say if we split and the house is sold, the £100k goes to our kids and not me!

Honestly, it makes perfect financial sense (as PP said, his parents could need care and your DP eventually receive nothing). Don't let pride stand in the way of making your life easier, this is a great deal for you both.

Life is hard so take all the help you can get. If you split up then you’ll both get back what you put in. If you don’t split up it’s all irrelevant anyway.

To add - mist relationships are totally equal. My DH husband earns 8 x what I earn. I don’t feel like the house is more his though....

are not

Take it, just make sure you both know what you are agreeing when deciding whether to be tenants in common or joint tenants.

Now, if your ILs are the controlling kind avoid such help completely.

My DPs parents did the same for him - gave him 30k and I only put in 5k! We had a deed of trust drawn up to protect it if we split before marriage etc. Easy!

It would be very rude not to

My DH thought nothing of accepting a £400K deposit from me / my family / my inheritance.
While he put in jack shit.

I am resentful of him. While he helps pay the mortgage he gets to live in a very nice house he'd never have been able to afford. And calls it 50% his house because he pays 2/3rds of the mortgage. (Equal to about a quarter of the rental value per month).

I worry what would happen if we separate.

I wish we had never gotten in to this situation it has caused problems for us and agree with you it would be better all round to go 50 / 50 and to make do with what you can afford with that amount.

So is your partner wanting to put his whole inheritance into the house deposit and you just want him to match yours? I think that's fair and as others have said, he can put the remainder of the money into his pension pot or for your child later on.

As someone who is just being “screwed over”by ex , despite paying major share of housing costs, I would say accept the money but get the shares drawn up legally. I am just starting a long and expensive court battle .

Take the money and legal advice as to how to protect it for your DP if you are insistent.

Definitely get married unless you have your own secure income and pension, where you could afford to live by yourself if necessary.

As for those who don't think £22k is much of a house deposit, is it really so far off your radar that £20k will be 10% or more deposit in much of the country for a nice family house in a nice area and £2k will be more than enough for legal fees and moving costs and there's no stamp duty for FTBs unless buying an extremely expensive property.

Is every aspect of your relationship equal? Do you pay equally to the rent/bill/childcare? Are rhe household responsibilities equally shared? Did he take shard paternity leave to allow you back to work? Have either of you reduced your hours after the baby?

I'm not having a go honestly! Everybody has to do what works for their situation but generally (and this might not apply to you) the sacrifices made by women are usually greater to the men...career progression, housekeeping, mental load. So why not let him put more in financially if you are putting more in elsewhere in the relationship and upbringing of your wee one.

I seriously think you should reconsider getting married. For your future financial safety, and for your children’s.

@CakeRequired

If you don't take it where are you living that £22,000 is a good enough deposit on a house?

Really? Have you never ventured further out than your own city? How can you not know that house prices vary drastically across the uk and the world? We put in 7500 for our deposit. 22k is plenty for a lot of places in the UK. Think you need more real world experience.

Yes, I don't understand this. Isn't a deposit about 10% of the price, so they could find something for around 200k?