To have made DH apologise to DS?

[PleaseLetItBeNapTime]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I was in the kitchen making dinner. DS(4) has dinner at nursery and isn’t really hungry when he gets home so will just have fruit/ yoghurt/ crisps and be fine. DS decided that he wanted some wotsits. DS is particularly attached to the “rainbow” shaped ones and tends to leave them to the side and eat them last if he eats them at all. We’ve had tears before when he’s accidentally broken one. Rediculous I know, but he is only just 4 and he isn’t generally the sensitive type.

Anyway, DS is in the living room with DH and I hear him crying and he sounds inconsolable. I call him to the kitchen and he tells me “daddy’s eaten my rainbow”. DH follows and his attitude is so self righteous. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

I personally think the thought that he shouldn’t have to apologise is a form of toxic parenting - we need to mirror the behaviours we expect from DS and that includes admitting that we are wrong sometimes and apologising. DH has basically ignored me for the rest of the evening and still believes I’m wrong.

So WIBU? I’m genuinely interest to hear from people who think I was who can articulate why because I’m struggling to understand how DH is so firm in his position.

Thanks

Children need to learn resilience, I wouldn't be impressed if one adult called another adult 'naughty'!

. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

This all seems a bit intense for one wotsit

I hate dads parents thinking they have a right to anything their child has. Would he walk up to a colleague and eat their food without asking?

I also hate parents they think they shouldn't have to appologise to children, ever.

He was rude and if DS was rude he'd be expected to appologise so DH should lead by example and appologise for his behaviour.

Kids learn by example, dad isnt setting a good example. You dont just take other peoples food without asking.

I’m totally with you, I think it’s really important that kids see adults can admit when they’ve behaved poorly or made a mistake and apologise. I don’t really understand why your DH was so reluctant to, it’s a weird hill to die on.

Did he eat all the crisps or just one?

Calling him ‘naughty’ was unreasonable.

I’m totally with you, I think it’s really important that kids see adults can admit when they’ve behaved poorly or made a mistake and apologise.

Agree. And I think it's entirely appropriate that adults are consistent about it instead of minimising or making excuses for the shitty / power-tripping behaviour of one parent, because that just normalises the crap behaviour and confuses the child.

What is it with all these manchildren on mumsnet at the moment.
He sounds like an utter dick

Your dh shouldn't be eating his son's food unless ds has finished. But it's not a big deal.
Doesn't hurt to apologise though, it's just basic decency if you've upset someone.
Does your dh have form for never being wrong?

I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate.

If your son had been the one to deliberately do something to upset another child and then refused to apologise, would you have considered that naughty behaviour ? So why would it be ok for an adult in a position of power to do that and be excused?

Would he go up and take a friends food without asking? Would he be ok if he found out your ds was taking food from other children without asking? I'm guessing the answer is no so why is it ok for him to take his sons food? It's not about resilience but basic manners.

Your 4 year old has been at nursery all day long - even having dinner there, poor kid, and hardly seen you or his dad, and his dad eats his crisps and thinks that is ok. He is probably so tired too. Sorry OP, it breaks my heart. I'd go mad at my husband for this. He should be making a real fuss of your boy and doing all he can to play with him and give him a fun time. Does he have breakfast at nursery too? Poor thing.

I would have made him apologise too.

In terms of the naughty thing, I always try and label the behaviour as naughty rather than the person, so I would have said, "Daddy did a naughty thing". Other than that, you are totally right, imo.

@mygrandchildrenrock - I definitely agree about the resilience but I feel that this is encouraged in DS in other ways. In the grand scheme of things it’s minor but he was genuinely upset and felt that he had been wronged and I felt it was important to acknowledge that.

@nokidshere - that actually made me lol. You’re right. Things aren’t genuinely like this in this household I promise!

@RunningFromInsanity - it was just the one. He knows about the whole rainbow shaped ones being “special” so he can’t plead ignorance

Oh, and he was right, it wouldn't have been a big thing, other than the fact he was a dick and refused to apologise.

I definitely wouldn't have used the term "naughty", I would've said more along the lines of daddy was unkind to eat your crisps without asking.

YANBU though! Of course he should've apologised. DH and I apologise to my DS also aged 4 often - mainly for losing our temper/shouting.

Would he be happy if your son helped himself to his favourite part of his meal that he was saving for last, and then didn't apologise when his dad was pissed off? I'm guessing not

You're treating your husband as a child. Mountain and molehills.

It’s a wotsit. Give him another one.

It’s a crisp, 4 yr old cried over a crisp... 4 yr olds cry over all sorts! I think you went way OTT

“the incident” seriously?????
Can’t wait to read about wositgate in the papers 😂

Honestly I would have rolled my eyes and said “daddy should have asked but stop making a fuss now”
Mind you I don’t tolerate drama queen behaviour.

@ClaireP20 - he’s in nursery 8-5:30. Personally it’s not ideal, but it’s the reality for a lot of working families, including mine who don’t have any informal/ family childcare.

I'd probably have said something like 'daddy should have asked if he could have one first', and I would've suggested he apologise and moved on. To refer to your DH as 'naughty' infantilises him and puts him on a level with your 4yo. It's not naughty to take food that isn't yours, but it is rude to do it without asking. It's all a bit overly dramatic imo.

@BacktoB - thank you, that is definitely a better approach - I will try to use that from now on.

He shouldnt have taken the crisp without asking. The message he needs to send his son is to always ask without taking.

Ds was clearly upet by his actions. Whether he felt this was deserved or not is irrelevant- he should have apologised. You should apologise if you have upset someone by your actions.

Sulking and refusing to apologise when it was pointed out to him was childish and sends out the message he doesnt need to apologise.

Admittedly calling him naughty makes him sound like a child but then so do his actions so...