To have made DH apologise to DS?

[PleaseLetItBeNapTime]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I was in the kitchen making dinner. DS(4) has dinner at nursery and isn’t really hungry when he gets home so will just have fruit/ yoghurt/ crisps and be fine. DS decided that he wanted some wotsits. DS is particularly attached to the “rainbow” shaped ones and tends to leave them to the side and eat them last if he eats them at all. We’ve had tears before when he’s accidentally broken one. Rediculous I know, but he is only just 4 and he isn’t generally the sensitive type.

Anyway, DS is in the living room with DH and I hear him crying and he sounds inconsolable. I call him to the kitchen and he tells me “daddy’s eaten my rainbow”. DH follows and his attitude is so self righteous. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

I personally think the thought that he shouldn’t have to apologise is a form of toxic parenting - we need to mirror the behaviours we expect from DS and that includes admitting that we are wrong sometimes and apologising. DH has basically ignored me for the rest of the evening and still believes I’m wrong.

So WIBU? I’m genuinely interest to hear from people who think I was who can articulate why because I’m struggling to understand how DH is so firm in his position.

Thanks

@ForTheLoveOfCatFood

What is it with all these manchildren on mumsnet at the moment. He sounds like an utter dick

Totally agree.

How is a child supposed to learn to share if no one can even eat one wotsit without tears ensuing?

You need to stop treating your dh like he is a child and telling him to apologise and what to do. Do you treat everyone like this? By all means comfort your child but the behaviour management and telling off are ridiculous and if my DH treated me like that I’d be upset.

@PlanDeRaccordement

How is a child supposed to learn to share if no one can even eat one wotsit without tears ensuing?

Taking something someone else wants without asking first isn't sharing.

Children learn to share by being shown good examples. This wasn't.

@PlanDeRaccordement- he does share. He’s actually really generous and will offer things. I’m sure if Dh asked he would have looked for one that wasn’t “a rainbow” and given it him.

This is a mountain out of a molehill but, goodness me, you sound very sanctimonious!

In a perfect world your DH would have realised his mistake and dealt with this himself and your son would have realised this was no big deal but your response was totally OTT

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Children learn by example and I do think they should be given the same consideration you would give an adult. You ask before you take food off someone's plate and you apologise if you do wrong by someone. Children still deserve to be treated with some respect.

Are people missing the point that OP wouldn’t have used the word ‘naughty’ if she wasn’t saying it in front of her son.

YANBU. It would have cost him nothing to give his son a big hug and say he’s sorry sorry, he didn’t realise it would upset him so much. Even if that’s not true it would reassure an upset little boy.

Is this a reverse of the one about the child eating dh's chocolates?

Ok one wotsit means this whole thing is a massive overreaction.
If he had eaten them all then fine, but one!

I agree with the person who said you’re treating your OH like a child, and your reaction was incredibly OTT.
It’s good for your son to learn that things don't always go how he wants it to, and that a wotsit isn’t a big deal.

You asking your husband to apologise to a child is like you scolding him and treating his like a child.

Wow, I can’t believe this was even a conversation in the home let alone a thread on MN. One wotsit ffs

This is a bit over dramatic over one wotsit isn’t it? but your DH was in the wrong to eat your DS food when he wasn’t finished. I don’t think I would of told him off like a toddler though, you may as well of put him on the naughty step.

Totally OTT

I think you're both unreasonable. He's unreasonable for taking your son's crisp without asking ( he wouldn't do it to an adult) and you're unreasonable for making it into a much bigger deal than it needed to be. I would've said "I'm sorry daddy ate your crisp, will I get you another" or something similar and moved on.

It might be "only" one Wotsit to an adult, but children have very different perspective.

He'd taken the time and effort to pick those ones out and was looking forward to them. He can't rationalise that it's "only one Wotsit" like an adult can.

It sounds like your dh lacks empathy and takes an authoritarian view where children's feelings and thoughts are not as valid as adults'.

But no point in falling out over it. No one's perfect and you may have to pick your battles, and extend empathy to your husband too. Bring criticised as a parent tends to make the best of us feel defensive.

If it happens again you could even model apologising for your husband, apologise to your son on dh's behalf, something like, "I'm sorry that one of your special crisps was eaten." (Not "I'm sorry that Daddy is a crisp stealing arse", ha)

I agree with regards to modelling desirable behaviour. Your DH probably just took the crisp without thinking too deeply about - when he realised he'd fucked up, he should have just apologised and helped DS move past it and realise it wasn't a big deal 'sorry DS, I didn't realise it was a rainbow, lets find you another one. Silly Daddy, I should have asked shouldn't I'? Type of thing. BUT I don't agree with your response. You joined in with all the drama. I'd have kept relatively quiet at the time but had a 'what the fuck??!' conversation with DH out of earshot of DS.

Totally with you on this one OP. Your DH is winding up your 4yo and not setting a good example for him to follow by refusing to apologise. Parenting is hard enough without others making it harder.

Jeez all this over a bloody crisp?

I'm finding it difficult to believe that after Wotsit War has simmered down, you're the one who drags up the 'incident' and starts again. (And you still have energy to raise it again here!)
Is it always as intense as this in your house?
What happens when something trivial happens?
Do you think you might have read too many parenting manuals?

If my DH had eaten my favourite chocolates that I was saving, without asking, I would be pretty pissed off.

So the 4 year old responded as 4 year olds do.

Your DH was being a knob. I hate adults who behave this way - a silly sort of power trip, where they think by being an adult, they have the right to just take stuff from a kid.

YANBU OP.

Yes it’s just a wotsit, but that’s not the point.

It’s good for your son to learn that things don't always go how he wants it to, and that a wotsit isn’t a big deal.

Would the same apply if the OP's DS went round helping himself to other people's food whenever he felt like it?

OP, you did label your DH's behaviour as childish but if the cap fits....

It beggars belief that he chose to be hurt when your DS didn't want to sit with him later.

I would tell him to grow up and start acting like a parent, not a brother to his DS.

Your DH was wrong to eat the wotsit and then not acknowledge he'd upset the DC.

But I don't think the way you spoke to your DH was right. You treated him like a child in front of his son. Don't think you'd like him to speak to you like that.

I'd have done exactly the same as you. And my dp would have said sorry.

We are both ftp and learning as we go I suppose but we both sometimes correct what needs correcting in order to teach/ set a good example. Such as dp says 'telly' I say we don't say telly daddy it's tv/ television. Daddy says oh yes sorry... then it's done with.

I don't think it's fair to just take from a child as surely that's just teaching them they can take from another / younger child? If mine has a full bar of chocolate or something big I don't want her having all of, I say mummy has to try it first to make sure it's ok sometimes I'll ask for something she's eating to teach/ remind of sharing. When I have something like crisps I'll do the same kind of thing to teach her I share etc

I agree with all you said/ did.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I do appreciate it can seem like I was a bit dramatic, I literally though OH would just say sorry, we’d all move on and was surprised/annoyed/confused by his refusal to do so.

Thanks again!