To have made DH apologise to DS?

[PleaseLetItBeNapTime]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I was in the kitchen making dinner. DS(4) has dinner at nursery and isn’t really hungry when he gets home so will just have fruit/ yoghurt/ crisps and be fine. DS decided that he wanted some wotsits. DS is particularly attached to the “rainbow” shaped ones and tends to leave them to the side and eat them last if he eats them at all. We’ve had tears before when he’s accidentally broken one. Rediculous I know, but he is only just 4 and he isn’t generally the sensitive type.

Anyway, DS is in the living room with DH and I hear him crying and he sounds inconsolable. I call him to the kitchen and he tells me “daddy’s eaten my rainbow”. DH follows and his attitude is so self righteous. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

I personally think the thought that he shouldn’t have to apologise is a form of toxic parenting - we need to mirror the behaviours we expect from DS and that includes admitting that we are wrong sometimes and apologising. DH has basically ignored me for the rest of the evening and still believes I’m wrong.

So WIBU? I’m genuinely interest to hear from people who think I was who can articulate why because I’m struggling to understand how DH is so firm in his position.

Thanks

Non issue....turned into an issue.

What’s with all the hysteria around ‘stealing’ the child’s food? Is this for real. Is this what we are reduced to, accusing parents of stealing if they eat a bit of a snack from their child. What next? Fraud by misrepresentation when parents tell children about Santa? Plaigirism for helping with the homework? Invasion of privacy for checking up on them if they’re late home from school?
I wonder how some people on this forum get through the day, if they think this situation is worth so much hyperbole.

One crisp. I often dip my hand into DH’s crisps when I am passing by. I mean this is not a stranger. It’s his dad. He ate one crisp. It so happened to be the favourite one.
Which as I said had he asked for permission, he might have inadvertently eaten as well.

You don’t have to build resilience in a 4 year old who is tired. You can choose not to apologise over this and distract and move on. Rather than making it as issue that pits naughty Daddy who left ‘DS feeling unprotected’ according to a PP. You can even say ‘ah that’s one you wanted was it? Well there will be more chances.’ And acknowledge his feelings without minimising them and yet not having to apologise or create drama.

There are some and I say some, women on Mumsnet who feel they have a special insight into their kids that their male partners don’t. (Sometimes they do by virtue of spending more time with them). But there are all these threads about a first time father doing things wrong and DH’s who do things differently who, if they just followed their wife’s rules it would be ok.
DH parents differently to me. That’s fine. Kids need to learn that.
DH wasn’t bullying DS. He wasn’t snatching. Or belittling. Or whatever he’s been accused of doing. He ate a crisp and felt the reaction to his eating that crisp was disproportionate.

@minipie - yes he does, but to honest he is generally really kind and thoughtful (which adds to how bizarre this was), so he doesn’t often have cause to apologise.

So if I've got this right

DS eating packet of wotsits

When he gets a curvy one he puts it to one side as they're his favourite. Everyone knows that's what he does.

DH snaffles special wotsit in front of child.

I think DH is a dick.

I save best bits till last eg roast it's the crispy meat. If DH reached over and ate the 'best' bit that I was saving I would not be happy!

If your DH wanted wotsits why not just get his own packet or ask?

Yes it's just a wotsit. But what he did was not good.

You sound like you parent your husband.
Your child needs to find coping strategies for the big wide world when things go differently to what he wants, adults won’t always take his side or listen to his complaints, the easiest place to learn this is at home, I actually think you’ve done your son a great disservice

Non issue....turned into an issue.

Obviously wasn't a non issue for the child.

Next time you're sobbing over something that's really upset you, hope no one tells you it's a non issue.

IMO you are infantilising your DH; showing DS that you are the boss and arbiter of behaviour in your house.

A “Daddy should have asked, but it was only 1 and you have lots more” would have been more appropriate.

I’m guessing that your DH would have been happy to play with/ read to your DS to cheer him up and he would have swiftly forgotten his distress.

'Disproportionate'? He's bloody 4. YANBU and your DH was being a knob.

Such as dp says 'telly' I say we don't say telly daddy it's tv/ television. Daddy says oh yes sorry... then it's done with.

😮🙄

Next time you're sobbing over something that's really upset you, hope no one tells you it's a non issue.

If it really wasn’t an issue, i.e. the lost thing could easily be replaced or I had lots more on a plate in front of me, then I hope someone would do me a favour and point it out.

Jesus wept!

4 year olds sob over many things. Mine was sobbing because his Happyland character wasn’t balancing on something.
Was his reaction disproportionate? YES.
Did I gently move him on without making it into a mega issue? YES.

@nokidshere

Such as dp says 'telly' I say we don't say telly daddy it's tv/ television. Daddy says oh yes sorry... then it's done with.

😮🙄

Exactly.

If my husband corrected how I say a word, I would not be polite. YOU can say television, DH can say telly.
Do children not learn (within reason) that parents are different and diverse at home?

What is with this constant apologising over non issues? Is it a British thing?

I think it's really out of order when adults take food off young children. Fair enough if something is being shared and your DC is hogging it, but if he's got his own packet of crisps that he's eating and your DH wants to eat one, he should ask if he can have one, just like I'm sure DH would expect your DS to ask before taking food off someone else's plate/packet.

Your DH should have apologised, and I also think you need to have a word with him about taking stuff off DS. Your son is a person and your DH isn't treating him as one when he grabs food off him. It's very rude and I would be concerned that it will teach your some bad manners.

"Children need to learn resilience"

In other words they need to learn that what is important to them isnt important. That people who love them can hurt them and not have to say sorry. And that basically kids dont have a voice in any case?!

So basically learning resilience means 'put up and shut up'. No wonder so many kids grow up to be just as assholeish as their parents. They ve learned to be resilient... And when it comes to their turn to teach resilience, they can completely enjoy having the power over another vulnerable human being.

Teaching them this shit does not teach 'resilience'. It teaches them that some have power and some dont. That the ones that don't, have to put up with it. It teaches them to be terrified of being without power. It teaches them to want to be the one dominating, rather than the dominated.

It teaches them to perpetrate a loop of donination and control.

No ta to that!!!!

I totally agree with you OP. Small or large issue, doesnt matter - everyone should always apologise for rude behaviour, and as parents we must do so to demonstrate appropriate manners to our children.

A “Daddy should have asked, but it was only 1 and you have lots more” would have been more appropriate.

I would agree with this if the DH had apologised. It’s the refusal to apologise that makes DH the dick (or “naughty” in child language).

OP, your DH sounds like mine, 95% gets it right but is really shit at acknowledging or apologising the times when he messes up. Whereas I make way more errors than DH but am quick to recognise and apologise for them.

I also think your DH needs to stop expecting 4 year olds to be logical.

This thread exemplifies that snowflake is a thing, because their is a generation of snowflakes being raised by people who are being cheered from the sidelines. The hysteria on this thread about OP’s husband being called names is quite frankly astonishing - because he ate his sons snack. The world has gone mad, it’s true.

You are raising your DS to be a snowflake and it doesn't bode well for the future.

It doesn’t matter if it’s one wotsit, the point is taking someone else’s food is rude and disrespectful. Ok if you have an unspoken agreement that you help yourself to each other’s stuff, but DS wasn’t aware of anything like that and was saving a special one. It’s not about the value of the wotsit, but the disrespect. You want to be teaching kids to respect other people’s stuff, boundaries and feelings, not modelling being grabby and thoughtless.

My ex does this and my dd often tells me about it very indignantly. It’s not that she minds sharing - she always does if asked, and often offers. It’s that she doesn’t like him helping himself like she just doesn’t matter.

'OP’s husband being called names is quite frankly astonishing'

Ahhhh I see. Its wrong to call the full grown man a name. But perfectly fine to call the small hurt child a snowflake.

Gotcha!

Your dh probably reacted like that because of the way you reacted. Way ott. If my dp did this to me over a crisp I would probably told him where to go. Similarly if my 4 year old had reacted that way I would probably tell him not to be so ridiculous.

By the way - DESPISE the word snowflake.