Page 8 | To have not helped DH out?

Mylittlesandwich · 2020-11-19T09:01:47+00:00

I'll try and keep this short. DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning. DH can't drive. He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery. Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing. I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

PizzaForOne · 19/11/2020 13:54

@Grenlei

I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.

Typical MN double standards!

The not driving part too - I didn't learn til I was in my 40s. My Ex used to tell me I was pathetic and inadequate because I couldn't master something so simple. He was an abusive arsehole. As clearly are some people on this thread given the attitudes they clearly display to non drivers!

agreed

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 19/11/2020 14:00

@PizzaForOne

Why don’t you read all of OPs posts and see if you still agree, particularly the most recent ones.

Tararararara · 19/11/2020 14:07

[quote Shortfeet]@ElizaDeee
Couldn't agree more.

Why would you
A) not help
B) post about your not helping on Mumsnet ?[/quote]
A) OP was working and taking time out of her work day to drive DS and DH would impact on her ability to pick DS up later
B) Why do most people post threads on here? To get opinions and advice.

A one off and I'd have helped out, a regular occurrence and he has to get better at doing it!

ILikeTrains · 19/11/2020 14:11

"The not driving part too - I didn't learn til I was in my 40s. My Ex used to tell me I was pathetic and inadequate because I couldn't master something so simple. He was an abusive arsehole. As clearly are some people on this thread given the attitudes they clearly display to non drivers!"

This is why I think he needs to learn to drive - it evens up a relationship and takes away any perceived power the sole driver has.

I learnt late in life too which is one reason I feel strongly that people should learn as soon as possible. It does feel tougher the later you leave it. And the sooner you learn the sooner you benefit from being able drive. I didn't need anyone to tell me I was pathetic and inadequate because that's how I felt anyway due to not being able to drive, as well as feeling like a burden to others.

I stand by my comment that he should learn to drive, and the sooner the better. He won't feel like a burden and she won't feel put upon.

Tararararara · 19/11/2020 14:12

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

and if you have a job which starts before nursery opens in the morning? What do you do? Be late every day? What a ridiculous statement!

satnighttakeaway · 19/11/2020 14:24

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

Lucky you then that you have the kind of job that allows you to drop your baby off every day, not that the OP has a baby she's talking about a toddler. Meanwhile for loads of families the parent from whom it works best does the drop off, the child is going to day care for a few hours not Timbukto

pointythings · 19/11/2020 14:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

Wait, so OP gets up early to WORK so she can finish early to pick her son up and you still manage to attempt to guilt trip her for not being default parent around the clock?

Fuck me, with misogynist comments from other women who needs sexist men?!

You do realise women have the right and ability to juggle working and childcare just as much as men do, yes? What a spiteful comment from you.

^^ All of this.

Bloody hell, the handmaidens are out in force! OP and her DH have a split in duties. He does mornings, she does afternoons. He isn't managing mornings, for whatever reason. So he needs to make changes - whether a diagnosis and ADHD support, better timekeeping, whatever. Because he's the one not fulfilling his commitments.

And this is why we still need feminism.

thecatsthecats · 19/11/2020 14:40

Bloody hell, the handmaidens are out in force! OP and her DH have a split in duties. He does mornings, she does afternoons. He isn't managing mornings, for whatever reason. So he needs to make changes - whether a diagnosis and ADHD support, better timekeeping, whatever. Because he's the one not fulfilling his commitments.

DH and I have already agreed that he will do mornings and me afternoons when we eventually have kids because I live near work (20m walk) whereas he can be hours away. Afternoons/emergencies will almost always fall on me, so his share has to come out of the mornings.

That is where HIS kindness falls, HIS responsibility.

Because fulfilling your responsibilities to someone and not adding your burdens to theirs is just about as kind as you can get.

TonMoulin · 19/11/2020 14:46

@ClaireP20 so you are dropping AND picking your baby at nursery everyday.
What sort if job are you doing that allows to work so few hours? Or maybe your baby is just staying at nursery for longer instead?

Stop judging. A toddler is been left at nursery BY HIS FATHER. How can it be wrong?

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 15:19

He isn't managing mornings, for whatever reason.

But what we're ignoring is he did manage, he got the child there on time by himself.

satnighttakeaway · 19/11/2020 15:32

@BigFatLiar

He isn't managing mornings, for whatever reason.

But what we're ignoring is he did manage, he got the child there on time by himself.

He did but in the world's most inefficient manner by the sounds of it.

Unless the OP is also allowed 2 hours to do that one job it's not a fair division of labour. Presumably if he was able to achieve more in that time both of them would have more spare time during the day and in the evening.

Getting a small child ready for nursery does not need 2 hours of hand on one to one attention, he could put a wash on, do some dishes, vacuum round etc so that the OP doesn't have to do that during the day and they both benefit in the evening

SewingBeeAddict · 19/11/2020 15:34

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

Let’s really turn this around.

What if OP can’t get herself ready and out the door in time to pick up DS from nursery at the relevant time.

For those who think she’s unreasonable, I assume then that it would be perfectly reasonable for her to expect her DH to leave work to do pick up (since he’s only 5 minutes away and clearly people have no bother with someone leaving their work during working hours to do this)?

They should be working as a team after all.

The OP clearly shouldn’t be expected to uphold her end of the bargain when her DH is conveniently 5 minutes away and can OBVIOUSLY leave work to do this as part of their time and to make things easier for OP.

Would that be reasonable?

Yeah.... I didn’t think so.

This

4amWitchingHour · 19/11/2020 15:37

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

Things get transactional when one partner takes the piss, and does all of the taking and none of the giving. In this situation it seems as though OP's DH has come to rely on her bailing him out of his lateness, so doesn't organise himself properly to leave the house on time. That's taking the piss, as it's making his needs more important than hers, when he's fully capable of meeting his own needs.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 16:21

As its all speculation, could he not have enjoyed spending a couple of hours with DS? Maybe all the faffing about was him spending time with his son.

Crappyfridays7 · 19/11/2020 16:22

Surely both of you take turns to get your child ready and take to nursery? You were working and it was his turn, it’s perhaps a bit of a learning curve for him to get himself and your ds ready on time but he’s an adult he could’ve come and said I’m really sorry please could I have a lift as I’m running late.
Then asked for advice with getting organised if he struggles, he manages to hold down a job and organise himself there I assume?...

What if you couldn’t work at home and you were already at work?..you can’t help then. He also had the choice to learn to drive when you did and decided not to...he made that choice. Men are equally responsible for getting their kids ready and taking them to nursery/school/child minder - I’m a nurse so I didn’t always wave my kids off at nursery - bad parent I am according to someone on here, but I’m sure if I wasn’t at work looking after your sick kid that day you’d also have something to say about it?..their dad did it those days, then picked them up, fed them, bathed them and did the bedtime routine and usually they were fast asleep by the time I got home from work. I missed by babies those days I’ll tell you, but then he’d be at work and I’d do it, my children got the benefit of both of us on days off and I knew they were safe at home with a capable dad even thought I hated missing bedtime with them (well the full day)

Catmaiden · 19/11/2020 19:13

Which bit of the OP saying she was working don't all the critical posters actually understand?

I despair, I really do.

She was already at work before they had to leave for nursery.

The fact she was wfh is irrelevant.
It was his job to do the nursery drop off, on time, (however he had to get there) before he then went to his work place. Any delay was his issuue

Not hers Because she was already at work

Not her problem, not her job!

FGS people, RTFT

Storyoftonight · 19/11/2020 19:18

Again, if OP was in the other role and DH wouldn't give her a lift and made her walk , posters would be up in arms.

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 19:43

Yes it’s very strange how posters expect op to stop working and help her DH when in fact op is doing the pick up later in the day and will need to her work completed beforehand to do this

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 19:48

He will get more efficient and organised getting DC ready, it just takes practice and planning on his part.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/11/2020 19:55

@Porridgeoat

Yes it’s very strange how posters expect op to stop working and help her DH when in fact op is doing the pick up later in the day and will need to her work completed beforehand to do this

I can only assume it's because she has a vagina so doing anything other than being default parent around the clock is labelled selfish. It's so depressing isn't it? Especially coming from other women!

HallieKnight · 19/11/2020 19:58

Maybe sometime people forget that thye are supposed to be a team and that your child is your responsibility 100% of the time. There is no me and him, my money, my car, his income. People have to get out of that mentality, it's us, our car, our money, our income, our child, our team.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 20:02

Agree, read the thread.

It was his job to get Dr to nursery and himself to work. She was wfh.

What happened....
He took Dr to nursery, on time
He went to work
He didn't (as far as we can tell) ask for a lift.
What a useless sod, he did as he was supposed to and additionally provided lots of opportunity for Mumsnetters to discuss how useless men are.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 20:03

Sorry ds not dr

Storyoftonight · 19/11/2020 20:11

@LioneIRichTea

*I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.*

Yep. There would be red flags and LTB comments everywhere.

This

TonMoulin · 19/11/2020 21:29

Nope @Storyoftonight because that story assumes it was one off, not a regular occasion as the OP describes. Plus her DH didn’t do anything else other getting himself and toddler ready.
Totally different set up.

The story should be something Like this:

really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed,DH had prepared toddler bag for nursery the day before and thankfully I don’t have to do anything else, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning like this is the case everyday I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that he can’t decently leave work for 15~20 mins each morning when I have 2 hours to get myself and baby dressed, esp as he is started his working day early so he can do the pick up at the end of the day

Corrected that for you.