To have not helped DH out?

[Mylittlesandwich]

I'll try and keep this short.

DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning.

DH can't drive.

He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery.

Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing.

I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

@BeeDavis

Seems to me he’s doing it on purpose so that you’ll offer to drive him!!

Yeah, add to that the old chestnut of women's jobs being less important than a man's job. Would all the posters saying that OP should have stepped in to help have expected her to come home from an office job to help him? OP was working in her home office, she started early so she could finish early and do the collection this afternoon. When is she supposed to work if she has to start late and finish early because her DH and the father of this child cannot manage drop off?

It isn't 'kind' to step in and save the day when another adult simply isn't getting what should be a basic job done. If someone clearly needs to feel the pain before they learn, it's best for EVERYONE in the family if they just go through that process asap.

Leave him to it. My DH always leaves getting ready to go until the last minute and it's me that ends up rushing around trying to get everyone out on time. Most annoying! What was your DH doing for 2 hours - probably not getting ready that whole time, but just doing what he felt like I'd imagine! You did the right thing by not endorsing his ineptitude.

Yabu you're supposed to be a team

@Christmasmorale

I wonder if he has ADHD- that’s a long time to get ready especially given he was trying really hard. It would suggest he has poor executive function. Medication can help with the focus and time awareness/ planning.

Worth thinking about.

@HallieKnight

Yabu you're supposed to be a team

It's not much of a team if one one person is pulling their weight though.

@ElizaDeee

"I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families" 😲 "If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?" "Why does everything have to be transactional on here??"

@CherryValanc

"What about the other way round? Is there a reason he can't show a little bit of kindness or make life easier for the OP by not expecting lifts expecting the OP to stop doing her job to do something he should be more than capable of?"

"Or is this "sheer selfishness" only one way? What way do you to perceive it? Is it only when it's competent to the incompetent or a woman to a man?"

This. ^ Why does the OP have to bend over backwards to 'help' her DH, when he is clearly not making very much effort with anything? And seems to drag his feet with everything by the sound of it? As a few posters have said, the OP's DH is the one who sounds selfish, NOT the OP!

Also, @Mylittlesandwich why on earth would you marry, and have babies with, a man who has never learned to drive? (And you said yourself there is no health reason for it; you just 'can't afford it at the moment.')

Also, you came into to some money and offered to pay for his lessons, and he STILL didn't bother learning to drive? Why has he never learned? That would be a huge deal-breaker for me, because it suggests a man is unmotivated, and isn't bothered about advancing in life. (Many careers require driving skills.)

Unless there are health reasons, there's no excuse for not learning to drive. Some people will cite 'the cost,' but will then spend 4 figures on an iphone, or a holiday, or some fancy tech, or designer clothes. Rarely is there a valid excuse to not learn to drive.

And like hell would I always be the 'designated driver.'

Nah, not for me. Sort your man out FGS before you end up doing everything! Men do love to do stuff badly, so the woman ends up doing it all because it's quicker to do it herself. THIS IS HOW THEY GET YOU. Don't be fooled!

As @TonMoulinsaid, no WAY would anyone expect a man to be late for work, to run around after his wife, who is acting totally incompetent.

Bottom line is, what would he do if your were at work outside the home, rather than at work at home?

Leave him to it, he will soon learn to speed up! He is a fully grown adult, don't mother him, leave them to it.

I came on expecting to tell you to help btw, as life is hard enough - but in this case you will be making a huge rod for your own back. Do not do it. The only way people learn is doing things for themselves. YADNBU!!!

SewingBeeAddict Why would you feign knowledge of somebody's 'standards'? Presumably you feel them inferior to yours perhaps?

I don't know about you but I have days where I really don't get my shit together and days where I'm flying... and everything in between. OP's husband is starting a new job, didn't have his act together this morning and OP, busily working wanted to make a point and not help. Plenty of time to type a post and several replies though.

I don't care, it's her relationship not mine. I hear the 'adult' thing quite often and wonder why some people bother at all. To me, when you're in a pair, you back the other one up. If it's one-sided too often then you address it. No drama.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You didn't want to help your husband, fine. Don't use work as an excuse though OP, eh?

If I were busy working I wouldn't be on a chatboard stewing on something so absolutely trivial. I also wouldn't be letting the other partner have to rush around for a new job just.to.make.a.point. We'd have a conversation about it later possibly.

As you said, you wanted to 'work' instead. It's exactly as ElizaDee says - transactional. I personally wouldn't want that.

Exactly this!

I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.

Typical MN double standards!

The not driving part too - I didn't learn til I was in my 40s. My Ex used to tell me I was pathetic and inadequate because I couldn't master something so simple. He was an abusive arsehole. As clearly are some people on this thread given the attitudes they clearly display to non drivers!

@Starfish5

Let him crack on alone, he won’t learn how not to be incompetent if you keep rescuing him. Two hours and just one kid, unbelievable!

This. It's called "strategic incompetence", and it may be entirely unconscious on his part, but it can't be entertained.

He needs to learn how to look after his own child, and you would not be doing him, or your DS, any favours if you bail him out every time.

You're not covering yourself in glory taking the time here to explain the situation and then defend your choices.
If it's not an ongoing pattern where he just expects you to pick up the slack, yes you should have.

@HallieKnight

Yabu you're supposed to be a team

They are. And her DH has to play his part in the team.

The OP was working. She wasn't sat upstairs filing her toenails or lounging around (although if it was her turn to do that she still wouldn't have been unreasonable not to pitch in).

No-one would accuse a man who didn't take a break from work to help his wife get their child dressed because it had taken her two hours of not being a team player.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

SewingBeeAddict Why would you feign knowledge of somebody's 'standards'? Presumably you feel them inferior to yours perhaps?

I don't know about you but I have days where I really don't get my shit together and days where I'm flying... and everything in between. OP's husband is starting a new job, didn't have his act together this morning and OP, busily working wanted to make a point and not help. Plenty of time to type a post and several replies though.

I don't care, it's her relationship not mine. I hear the 'adult' thing quite often and wonder why some people bother at all. To me, when you're in a pair, you back the other one up. If it's one-sided too often then you address it. No drama.

The OP has stated this is an ongoing issue with her DH not a one off.

This leads to one partner always needing to step in and its always one sided.
One off disaster with puncture, nappy explosion etc fair enough.
Husband cba to organise himself and it subsequently impacts her work constantly not on.
Im not feigning anything -seriously I have no idea how women put up with this shit from supposedly functioning life partners.

[quote TonMoulin]If it had been the other way aorund and a woman was late/had to rush to take dc to nursrey and arrive at work, it would have been expected from her that she was an adult and responsible of her own organisation.
There would have been NO discussion at all about her dh stopping work to take her to work. He as at work, even if it was wfh.

I am not sure why we even ask the question when its a man who is not irganised and and is unable to make it on time wo rushing.

Fwiw, if there had been an incicent in the morning, something had happened to make him late and this was CLEARLY a one off, I aree with some PP that helping him and taking to work wouod have been nice and the right thing to do. If you are not helping ecah other out within tge family, what sort of family are you? BUT this doesnt mean that women should be always there to pick up the pieces and solve all the issues their partner have, even when they are self inflicted. Which is the case here. M

No Greneli they would not. People would pile onto the OP, telling her how they get four DCs ready in an hour and she needs to get better organised. Kinder ones would offer helpful tips and probe the ADHD angle.

No-one would entertain the idea that her DH should have dropped everything and driven her. The man was AT WORK!

Yes they would, lyralalala, exactly that - they would be pillorying the husband. There are very many examples of double-standards on this board but what it boils down to is that OP didn't want to, so didn't.

Why would anybody think to post to gloat about it though?

He really needs to learn how to drive. I know that's not helpful to say if you can't afford it, but a grown man with a family and responsibilities needs to be able to pull his weight, and it's very difficult to do that when you can't drive, and you're relying on your wife for a lift everywhere.

I would give him a lift if it's a one-off that he's running late, through something that's not his fault, but 2hrs to get ready seems fine to me. How long can it possibly take? Some people are perpetually late, no matter how much time they give themselves, and helping him out if that's the case is just building a rod for your own back.

I'd advise trying to save money for some driving lessons as soon as you possibly can, and maybe helping him a little with cutting back how long it takes.

If you could take a break to drive him down, could you not take a shorter break to help them get ready and out of the house? That seems like time better spent to me, and hopefully that way you could give him some pointers about how to be quicker in the future.

And this is not a one off. This is not a day when 'everything went wrong' and he needed rescuing. OP says in her second line that he always struggles to get out on time.

@Grenlei

I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.

Typical MN double standards!

The not driving part too - I didn't learn til I was in my 40s. My Ex used to tell me I was pathetic and inadequate because I couldn't master something so simple. He was an abusive arsehole. As clearly are some people on this thread given the attitudes they clearly display to non drivers!

I disagree.

If the DH in your scenario were actually working and not just “closeted away” I think there wouldn’t be that response.

I must admit, I’m surprised so many people here think that the OPs job is such she can just disappear away to do the nursery run when she is meant to be working and paid to do so.

She’s working early to finish early to do pick up.

I don’t see why she has to do both and her job be shoved to the side to accommodate her DH and make things easier for him when he’s not bloody working.

YANBU. He needs to get his shit together.

I'm sick of posters on here who ignore the fact that people WFH are still WORKING. If you were in the office you couldn't just dump everything and fuck off to take the kids to school, could you?! I see it all the time people saying "DH should help out while he's WFH." Nope! He's in work, get on with it yourself love!

lottiegarbanzo that is also true - because women are naturally competitive with each other and some display true scorn of another woman at the slightest opportunity.

The rest of us just get on with it, knock the corners off our partners as they do with us too.

I can't understand OP's stance this morning but acknowledge that this is how she felt about it. It's her relationship to manage.