To have not helped DH out?

[Mylittlesandwich]

I'll try and keep this short.

DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning.

DH can't drive.

He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery.

Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing.

I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

@Christmasmorale or he’s just shit with time?

@dontdisturbmenow yes, I'm working and was working first thing. That means I can finish in time to pick DS up from nursery as I'm working a longer day today.

I dont drive and although DH does we dont have a car currently (a choice thing) but we are not children so we help each other out

And yes if the situation was reversed the op would be told 'get out now you are being controlled' etc. etc.

If it was a one off then I would have helped. As it's a regular thing then I wouldn't. I believe people need to face consequences for their actions to encourage them to take responsibility.

I thought relationships were give and take?
We help out the ones we love to make their life easier and vice versa?!

If you were working during these 2 hours, then no you were not unreasonable.

How late was he though? With a new job it won't look good being late.

I also thought ADHD immediately. Same situation in our household.

I would like to assure everyone concerned for DH that I do help him regularly and not just by driving. If we do want to focus on driving then last night I drove him to a trial shift and waited in the car for 3 hours while he did it because it was quite a distance away. I was happy to do this and did not complain, I'm not a monster.

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

What about the other way round? Is there a reason he can't show a little bit of kindness or make life easier for the OP by not expecting lifts expecting the OP to stop doing her job to do something he should be more than capable of?

Or is this "sheer selfishness" only one way? What way d you to precieve it? Is it only when it's competent to the incompetent or a woman to a man?

@pointythings

Thing is even if he does have ADHD there are things that can be done to mitigate this and he needs to be doing them. He won't improve his functioning if OP jumps in every time and rescues him. He needs to learn to adult to his maximum capacity. 2 hours to get a 1yo ready is ridiculous.

You clearly don’t have much experience with ADHD or much sympathy for neurological conditions. I have ADHD and prior to being medicated - I used to be late for exams, miss flights etc - and that was me at my best/ most organised. He’s already mitigating because he spent 2 hours trying to get out of the door in time. I used to get up at 6am for a 9.30am start (30minute commute) and was still late 75% of the time. And this was without throwing a small child in the mix.

You wouldn’t say to someone with autism - you just need to mitigate your social skills if they are already out there socialising and trying their best. If he indeed has ADHD he’s already mitigating and just needs professional help.

OP giving a lift isn’t professional help - but exploring a diagnosis and treatment options could be life changing for both of them.

I would have left him to it. He is in the process of learning the valuable life skills of time management and toddler management - he needs to become self reliant on these areas, and that won't happen if he doesn't see the process through.

Don't be a Helicopter Spouse, I say.

he needs to learn to get ready faster! maybe if its a new process/job etc come up with a plan/alarms on phones together... some people get easily distracted even if not ADHD - and dont think through planning -maybe help him plan - do not do it for him that is not helping...

If its walking distance definitely let them walk, better for everyone, its these short unnecessary journeys that clog up the roads and pollute

He needs to learn to get himself and a child ready within 2 hours, like a responsible parent would. What would he do if the OP had already left the house and driven to work? Why should she step in all the time? He is an adult. He chose not to learn to drive, he needs to learn to time manage.

I don't think it's transactional, I don't expect anything from him in return. I do all the driving, pay for the car, insurance, tax, MOT and most of the fuel. I don't usually mind but this morning it isn't convenient, I could have done it but I'd much rather get on with my work.
Does he work?

Some people can just faff, a lot. Especially if there aren’t any serious consequences to being late. I have to remind myself not to faff around sometimes.

I don’t think you’re being harsh. I think driving him would be enabling his poor time management.

How did it take 2 hours? I get myself and 2 kids under 4 ready and out the door in an hour easily!

You were working so that you could be done in time to get your DS from nursery so no you were not being unreasonable. He has plenty of time to get everyone out of the door.

If something unexpected had happened causing him to be running so late and you had then refused to help that would be different.

He needs to learn to get himself and a child ready within 2 hours, like a responsible parent would. What would he do if the OP had already left the house and driven to work? Why should she step in all the time? He is an adult. He chose not to learn to drive, he needs to learn to time manage.

^ This really. Most of us are like this at first with children but you only get better at it by actually doing it, not by someone stepping in all the time.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would have left him to it. He is in the process of learning the valuable life skills of time management and toddler management - he needs to become self reliant on these areas, and that won't happen if he doesn't see the process through.

Don't be a Helicopter Spouse, I say.

This

@ElizaDeee
Couldn't agree more.

Why would you
A) not help
B) post about your not helping on Mumsnet ?

Christmasmorale you're very funny - my DD2 has autism.

I may have worded my response harshly, but a diagnosis and professional help is exactly what I meant when I said 'adulting to his maximum capacity'. There's no suggestion that OP's DH has a diagnosis, so that wold be the first thing to pursue. I have an ex (long term ago) who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and having support was life changing for him. OP's DH needs to pursue this actively, and then within the parameters of what he is capable of as his best self, she should support him where it's needed.

And of course there's the possibility that he doesn't have ADHD at all and that he's just doing the strategic incompetence thing.

@ElizaDeeeI don't think it's transactional, I don't expect anything from him in return. I do all the driving, pay for the car, insurance, tax, MOT and most of the fuel. I don't usually mind but this morning it isn't convenient, I could have done it but I'd much rather get on with my work.

I didnt mean this post specifically is transactional, just in general on mn a lot of posts are. Theres no give and take or pitching in as family. Like the comment above, YOU pay the car costs. What happened to sharing one pot and family money? Very divisive. It doesn't come across as a family unit, to me.

Same as all this only doing your own washing. Who in a normal frame of mind really sorts through the washing basket and only takes their own things out, rather than do a load by colour?? Only on mn do I see this transactional approach towards life partners.

@pointythings

Christmasmorale you're very funny - my DD2 has autism.

I may have worded my response harshly, but a diagnosis and professional help is exactly what I meant when I said 'adulting to his maximum capacity'. There's no suggestion that OP's DH has a diagnosis, so that wold be the first thing to pursue. I have an ex (long term ago) who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and having support was life changing for him. OP's DH needs to pursue this actively, and then within the parameters of what he is capable of as his best self, she should support him where it's needed.

And of course there's the possibility that he doesn't have ADHD at all and that he's just doing the strategic incompetence thing.

But professional help is what I suggested in my first post that you responded to in disagreement suggesting he just needs to “adult”. That unhelpful sentiment is expressed to a lot of people with adhd when in actual fact being an adult is about having systems and habits in place, but the adhd brain does not allow for the focus and dopamine necessary to form these good habits.

As far as ADHD I don't know. Lateness isn't something that has been a real issue in our relationship so far. It seems to be DS related.

I didn't help because it wasn't convenient and I posted because I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable as mentioned in my OP.

@choli he usually works, he was briefly out of work just there but generally he works.

@pointythings and yes it’s true he might not have ADHD at all- I guess it depends how he is in other areas of his life and if he genuinely does make an effort.