Page 7 | To have not helped DH out?

Mylittlesandwich · 2020-11-19T09:01:47+00:00

I'll try and keep this short. DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning. DH can't drive. He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery. Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing. I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

titchy · 19/11/2020 12:45

@BigFatLiar

Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke...

If it was the other way around and him not helping out we'd all be saying that she should leave the selfish B.

I think if a woman had posted here saying it took her two hours to get herself and her toddler ready and was her dp being unreasonable by not stopping doing his job and driving her to nursery then her own work, she'd have been rightly berated on here

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 12:46

@lottiegarbanzo

Taxi drivers get paid. You, alone, are paying for the pleasure of playing the taxi driver. That is odd. There's a money issue here, as well as a time issue.

That's because she sees it as her car not a family car. Paying for it herself helps her feel that she has no obligation to help out and she is doing a favour by driving.

beachysandy81 · 19/11/2020 12:46

No you are working so you can get to pick your ds up later.

Though if it was just the lift and not getting ds ready how long would the round trip take you and how much time would he save from walking/ taking public transport? Is your work flexible enough to be popping out or are you meant to be taking calls?

keeprocking · 19/11/2020 12:47

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

I can guarantee that were the roles reversed, the mother needed a bit of help the answers would have been quite different!

unmarkedbythat · 19/11/2020 12:48

Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke

Is that a joke? You have missed the countless threads where men are indeed castigated and women advised to leave them? The very thing MN is most known for after penis beaker and passionate trans debates is the fondness for advising one another to 'leave the bastard'; if op had posted from her dh's perspective this thread would be very, very different. Many posters would be asking how dare he think his Big Important Job entitles him to sit back and leave op to struggle. So, no, it is not 'funny', it is made up rubbish to say that only women get castigated for not helping the family out.

LioneIRichTea · 19/11/2020 12:57

*I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.*

Yep. There would be red flags and LTB comments everywhere.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/11/2020 13:01

That's because she sees it as her car not a family car. Paying for it herself helps her feel that she has no obligation to help out and she is doing a favour by driving.

She's kidding herself. It is a family car. She uses it to make life easier for herself, her DS and her DH. Her family. It's not a racing car, or a racing bike; a personal, hobby item. It's a family car, used by and for the family.

Weirdly, for reasons not explored here, she chooses to subsidise her DH by paying for everything to do with the family car, herself.

Even yet, his expectations go far beyond normal and reasonable expectations of a family car and other family members. He expects a personal, on-demand, chauffer service:

DH has a habit of not being ready on time for something and expecting that I will drive him which I often do.

He thinks it's a family car and then some Available to him, with driver, at no notice!!!

badacorn · 19/11/2020 13:01

@BigFatLiar

Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke...

If it was the other way around and him not helping out we'd all be saying that she should leave the selfish B.

I’d never expect my DH to miss work or make himself late for me. It’d cause him stress and make problems at work. More stress than rushing is going to cause me.

If her OH is really struggling and can’t cope with doing the morning at the moment (maybe he’s gotten exhausted, ill etc) then they should talk about it.

But if it’s a case of not working on his organisational skills, that’s different. I think expecting your partner to be late for work for you is wrong unless there’s a good reason.

satnighttakeaway · 19/11/2020 13:06

if op had posted from her dh's perspective this thread would be very, very different

If anyone posted to say that they ran late because it took them 2 hours to get themselves and a toddler ready in the morning I suspect they'd be rightly slammed. That's the problem here not the fact that one adult isn't leaving their work to bail out another adult who unless there is an issue that hasn't been disclosed is royally taking the piss

BoggledBudgie · 19/11/2020 13:08

Yup YABU and absolutely horrible to boot.

uisage · 19/11/2020 13:13

I probably would have given a lift on his first day at the job and that's it.

We have 2 hours between getting up and going to nursery. In that time, we put the washing machine on, have breakfast x 2, unload the dishwasher, put the slow cooker on, have a shower, get dressed x 2, brush teeth x 2 and then still have time for 20-30 minutes of playing (DS is 2 and helps me with all the chores, DH leaves the house to go to work). It is bags of time because we have a well oiled routine. DS only occasionally throws a spanner in the works by doing a poo just as we're going out of the door.

Your husband will have to figure out his own routine, and not by relying on you to give him a lift.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 19/11/2020 13:17

I love some of these comments... obviously not everything has to be transactional in a relationship, does it mean you would agree to do literally everything in the house? Of course not.
And yes I imagine OP is usually helping her DH when there is a need, she said it herself, she usually drives him in these circumstances. But being consistently late for no reason and expecting your partner to stop working in order to make up for it is not a genuine situation where you should work as a team, is it?

Oh and 2nd comment of the thread "Is he able to learn to drive?" ... what does it have to do with being able to get his child ready on time?

OP, YANBU obviously, despite what some posters are desperate to prove.

Original poster

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 13:18

I am listening, although I think calling me horrible was a bit uncalled for.

The 2 hours was just getting DS up, fed and dressed. I sorted his nursery bag last night so it just needed picked up. The house is as always a bomb site and I'll give it a clean and a tidy when I'm on my lunch.

I appreciate that I possibly should have given him a lift because it is a new job.

The car issue is a set up that works for us, I am a slightly higher earner and I am happy to pay car costs.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 19/11/2020 13:19

Don't drive him (unless it's a snowstorm or monsoon rain).

With time and practice he'll learn to get ready quicker.
Just hold your nerve, and let him work it out for himself.

ElizaDeee · 19/11/2020 13:20

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲 If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Why does everything have to be transactional on here?? Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke

Which mn do you read? Because I regularly see posts where the men are crucified for 'not helping'

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/11/2020 13:21

@satnighttakeaway

if op had posted from her dh's perspective this thread would be very, very different

If anyone posted to say that they ran late because it took them 2 hours to get themselves and a toddler ready in the morning I suspect they'd be rightly slammed. That's the problem here not the fact that one adult isn't leaving their work to bail out another adult who unless there is an issue that hasn't been disclosed is royally taking the piss

This. OP was working. Working from home is working. Regardless of the sex of the person working. And OP will be ensuring he never learns to get his shit together if she bails him out of such simple tasks regularly. It's in everyone's benefit that he learns to cope with basic parenting tasks! OP you sound totally normal and kind. Certainly not horrible!

I'll say it again - working from home is working.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 19/11/2020 13:21

@LioneIRichTea

*I can see this situation reversed:

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house. I then had to half jog the 25 mins to the nursery to drop DS off before work to try and make it in time, it's horrible in this wintry weather, DH does drive but won't take me in the car because he thinks I have more than enough time in the mornings to get ready and drop DS off, and that giving me a lift would reward me for taking too long/ not leaving earlier'

If anyone posted that people would be incandescent, call the DH allsorts, how dare he closet himself away etc. There would be lots of kind posts telling the poster she was clearly doing her best, and should be supported not left to it.*

Yep. There would be red flags and LTB comments everywhere.

Except you wrote This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready when actually it should be It takes me 2 hours every day to get us both ready And that is the key - as a one off, of course you expect some help, if it is your daily routine well either you wake up earlier or you find a way to get ready quicker.

thecatsthecats · 19/11/2020 13:24

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

You mean her husband right?

Not managing to get your shit together in TWO HOURS and expecting OP to pick up the pieces is perfectly described as 'sheer selfishness'.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 13:29

You mean her husband right?

Not managing to get your shit together in TWO HOURS and expecting OP to pick up the pieces is perfectly described as 'sheer selfishness'.

But he was ready in time and wasn't late and didn't have a lift. All that happened is he took longer than OP thought he should. She doesn't know what held him up. She's fretting that perhaps she should have.

ClaireP20 · 19/11/2020 13:42

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

Original poster

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 13:45

@ClaireP20 hahahaha, how am I supposed to be everywhere at once, his father is capable of dropping him off and while he wasn't working did it regularly. I pick him up. Jeez, guilt trip much?

OP posts:

ILikeTrains · 19/11/2020 13:49

NoSleep Can you really not see how him learning to drive will help their situation? It may not have anything to do with him taking two hours to get ready - but it will mean that she won't feel put upon to drive and she won't feel guilty when she's unable to offer lifts.

As their child gets older it's going to become more of an issue if she has to do all the driving to clubs and parties etc.

titchy · 19/11/2020 13:49

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

Wait, so you expect the OP to get up even earlier, do some work, get the child ready, take him to nursery, come home, do some more work (all the while all the dh has to do is get up and go to his work), then go and pick the child up from nursery?

Just so she can see her baby off to nursery because you think she should be so so emotionally attached to him she can't get through the day otherwise?

Gosh.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/11/2020 13:51

Exactly....i couldn't bear not seeing my baby off at nursery personally, OP clearly would rather point score..

Wait, so OP gets up early to WORK so she can finish early to pick her son up and you still manage to attempt to guilt trip her for not being default parent around the clock?

Fuck me, with misogynist comments from other women who needs sexist men?!

You do realise women have the right and ability to juggle working and childcare just as much as men do, yes? What a spiteful comment from you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/11/2020 13:52

That was to @ClaireP20 obviously