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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not helped DH out?

212 replies

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 09:01

I'll try and keep this short.

DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning.

DH can't drive.

He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery.

Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing.

I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 19/11/2020 11:14

@lottiegarbanzo I don't agree. Yes there would be some posters who might tell the OP she needed to structure her time better but when it came down to it, I don't think anyone would say her DH gets a total hospital pass from assisting in any way (even 5 mins in the car) because he's working.

I've seen more than one thread recently where the DH was WFH and the consensus was he should stop work to collect one or more DC from school to help out his DW who was struggling. That's no different, in fact more disruptive to the day than the OP here dropping her DH and child at the nursery - he takes baby in and then walks 5 mins to work by which time she's back home. Job done.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/11/2020 11:15

you need to let him get himself organised or he will never learn. as someone who finds it difficult. Different if he can't do it. (some can't as have difficulties with executive function, in which case help if you can)

lottiegarbanzo · 19/11/2020 11:18

I don't agree that people would accept the idea that one adult woman, taking two hours to get out the door with one child, every single time, is truly 'struggling'. Unless there was a diagnosis.

OP, the answer is obvious. If your DH does feel he's struggling and needs some help; time and child management tips, words of encouragement etc, then suggest that he posts on Mumsnet.

HallieKnight · 19/11/2020 11:18

Some of you have a funny definition of team. Team means if one of you fails you all fail.

LolaButt · 19/11/2020 11:20

Marriage is normally about teamwork. The strength of a good team is playing to strengths where appropriate.

If it takes you five mins to dress the child and him 15 because he’s too slow but while you’re dressing him, he’s preparing breakfast for example then that’s surely a good compromise.

Absolutism rarely works out well.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 19/11/2020 11:22

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Confused

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

This post says it all . Time and time again you see this on MN.
LolaButt · 19/11/2020 11:23

Also, if my husband had started a new job I would probably step in for a couple of weeks and up my contribution to the routine, while he settled into his new job.

I would expect that to happen for me.

unmarkedbythat · 19/11/2020 11:25

I don't drive. DH does. If he wouldn't take 15 minutes out of his day to make all our lives easier because he felt it did me good to struggle I would think he was an arsehole.

PrivateD00r · 19/11/2020 11:25

No yanbu. He is an adult and needs to learn how to fend for himself! I would be so frustrated in your shoes.

unmarkedbythat · 19/11/2020 11:27

I agree with ElizaDeee entirely. This pompous transactional bollocks is so depressing to read about.

Original poster
Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 11:30

Wow, sorry I missed a lot. Im just waiting on the kettle before anyone accuses me of shirking.

I am taking these all on board, I have possibly become slightly resentful of being a taxi driver which may have impacted my decision this morning. DH was not actually late he just wasn't early either.

I absolutely do spend time with DS and tonight I'll pick him up and sort his dinner and bath, DH should then be home.

I don't have anything against him not driving, he did take lessons previously (before I met him) but really lacked the confidence. I've only been driving 2 years. However as I did before I could drive you plan your own transport or you ask for a lift. DH has a habit of not being ready on time for something and expecting that I will drive him which I often do.

In other places our relationship is good I just wasn't sure how this situation would go down with other families so thought I would post. I am by no means trying to cover myself in glory as one poster said.

OP posts:
Simplyunacceptable · 19/11/2020 11:30

I think YABU personally. If I didn’t drive and DH was in a position to give me a lift to help me out but chose not to, I’d think he was a massive dickhead.

Yes your DH needs better organisational skills but you could have helped your child out at least, it’s not their fault.

Mashingthecompost · 19/11/2020 11:31

Speaking as someone who struggles with time keeping, routines, executive functioning, the works... he needs to learn and he will only learn by doing it. You weren't available. This might have been tricky for him but he now has an idea of what needs to be done and will be quicker next time. Depending on how he reacts to criticism, he might need a nudge to make a list, prep everything the night before etc. My husband still says stuff like this to me and I will eyeroll sometimes, but it's reminders. He also reminds me that he needs to help himself, too. Total cheese but there's a phrase in the TOMM (organizing/cleaning method) that talks about being your own 'future friend' - setting yourself up the night before, week before, whatever, to remove roadblocks. He might need that spelling out.

Original poster
Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 11:31

Oh and DS was not in any way bothered about when he gets to nursery, he's 1.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 19/11/2020 11:32

The OP says he's 'always' struggled to get DS ready (but also that lateness isn't an issue in the relationship, so this isn't someone who is habitually late or laissez faire about timekeeping).

However given the DS is not quite one, how long can he have 'always' been struggling for? Presumably their DS has only been going to nursery for a few weeks/ couple of months at most, and at least some of that time the DH wasn't working (as he's recently started a new job) so there would have been less time imperative on those days. Plus the comments about working different shifts suggests at least some of the morning drop offs are done by OP when the DH isn't there.

If the child was 3, I could accept the use of the word always, and think maybe the DH was being deliberately useless, he would have had plenty of time to up his game and get into a routine. But reading back over it, I think that he's probably only done this a handful of times and is still trying to work out the timings with a relatively young baby. I know plenty of mothers who have said they struggled to get out the house within anything up to 2 hours when their babies were anything up to a year old, so not sure why the DH should be castigated in this situation.

twilightermummy · 19/11/2020 11:33

I think that it was pretty mean not to give them a lift in. You could have had the discussion about time keeping later on.

SewingBeeAddict · 19/11/2020 11:34

Its not Transactional to expect your DH to get up, wash, dress and feed himself and a child to get to nursery and work on time.
Its a basic life skill!

Yes on a one off or short term basis due to illness or whatever, absolutely fine.

Macncheeseballs · 19/11/2020 11:34

He could cycle with child

Original poster
Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 11:35

I felt like a year was long enough to qualify for an "always" nursery isn't the only place DS goes. He's been attending nursery for about 4 months. He doesn't have a set start time so it's only when DH then has to get somewhere that it's an issue. He's also missed trains, almost missed doctors appointments and been late to meet family. Other than that we've been on time because I've been going with them.

We've been together 10 years (to the day actually) and prior to DS being born he wasn't late for anything, we were on time and life was easier.

OP posts:
Jroseforever · 19/11/2020 11:38

You say that this morning you didn’t have time to do the 5 minute drive

And yet you had time to start a long post on mumsnet and frequently reply?

ArcheryAnnie · 19/11/2020 11:38

@HallieKnight

Some of you have a funny definition of team. Team means if one of you fails you all fail.
Which is why the OP's DH needs to be given the time to learn to look after his own child by himself.

It isn't a "team" if one parent is constantly having to bail out the other.

Pahrump · 19/11/2020 11:40

The OP said that he would have got to work in time so I dont see what the issue is.

Its on him if he can't get his shit together to leave the house 5-10 minutes earlier to get to work without rushing.

He had 2 hours to get himself and a child ready! What was he doing all that time 😲

VulvaPerson · 19/11/2020 11:41

There is something hugely wrong with the fact that it takes someone 2 hours to dress and feed a child?!

We have 5 kids here on weekends, and they can be ready in minutes. This includes a child with SN to. And 2 of the kids are proper fannys about doing anything.

Will no doubt be along the lines of DSD getting 'ready'. It can take her hours. But the reason is..she stares at her bloody phone constantly, will not put the damn thing down. I have watched her with both amusement and depression trying to put her shoes ad socks on with one hand, so she didn't have to put the thing down..

No you were not wrong to refuse to mess up your own schedule as he sounds so bloody useless. With a bit of luck, not being able to use you as backup will get him to actually try to get the child ready. No way should it take 2 hours. Or anywhere near that. The grief a mother would get if she admittd it took 2 hours to wash, clothe and feed one child would be ridiculous!

ivfbeenbusy · 19/11/2020 11:41

If it had been the other way aorund and a woman was late/had to rush to take dc to nursrey and arrive at work, it would have been expected from her that she was an adult and responsible of her own organisation.

Oh come on we all know this is bull shit - MN would have been up in arms about what a bastard her husband was for working away in his office and not helping out for 5 minutes!

(See the 10,000 threads about husbands working from home that are already on MN)

TragedyHands · 19/11/2020 11:44

I'd have helped mine as we are a partnership, not enemies.
Perhaps how you manage a 30+ marriage.
I'd be upset and hurt if my dh didn't help me when I was struggling, but that has never happened.

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