Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have not helped DH out?

212 replies

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 09:01

I'll try and keep this short.

DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning.

DH can't drive.

He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery.

Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing.

I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

OP posts:
Littlepiggiesinblankets · 19/11/2020 10:05

I have ADHD and I am so very like your DH. It's a nightmare for all involved (me and others!) in the mornings. But I have to say I won't ask DH for help in that kind of situation, as I know it makes me worse. Having an immovable deadline helps me, although of course everyone is different. Prior to medication, with a boss who would tell me off if I was late, I'd almost always be in on time. With my last very easygoing boss, 50/50 if I'd be there on time (I hasten to add, it's a job that can be done at any hour, so I would always make up at the end of the day.

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 10:07

@ElizaDeee well for starters I'm not that organised with the washing, if it can get washed at the same temp and isn't something like new jeans where the dye will run it all gets chucked in together with a colour catcher or 5.
Most things are split but the car is my thing, I love my car and I love having it so I pay for it. We could scrape by on the dismal local public transport but I don't want to. So I pay the costs for it. Seems fair to me. Other household bills are split.

OP posts:
ElizaDeee · 19/11/2020 10:10

Fair enough

Bridecilla · 19/11/2020 10:12

Is he solely responsible for dc for 2 hours then doing drop off (and pick up?) then going to work while you get 2 hours uninterrupted wfh time and all day uninterrupted wfh time?

If so then I really don't think it would hurt you to muck in a bit. I used to love getting ds ready as thatbwas a bit of fun / singing / cuddle time before he went off to nursery.

LittleMissLockdown · 19/11/2020 10:17

@Bridecilla

Is he solely responsible for dc for 2 hours then doing drop off (and pick up?) then going to work while you get 2 hours uninterrupted wfh time and all day uninterrupted wfh time?

If so then I really don't think it would hurt you to muck in a bit. I used to love getting ds ready as thatbwas a bit of fun / singing / cuddle time before he went off to nursery.

But the OP is working so she can finish early and pick up her DS from nursery.

In this situation maybe it's better to pretend that the OP isn't working from home. Imagine she was physically working in an office either way she is still working. Just because she happens to be working at home doesn't mean she should stop to help unless it's an emergency.

UsernameChat · 19/11/2020 10:18

Seriously?! Your DH took 2 hours to get a 1 year old ready?! What on earth was he doing?!

YANBU. Your DH will just have to buck up. Does he think about what he can do the night before, so that it's easier to get out in the morning e.g. getting his own and baby bag packed, putting the next day's clothes out etc?

BeeDavis · 19/11/2020 10:18

Seems to me he’s doing it on purpose so that you’ll offer to drive him!!

MoonJelly · 19/11/2020 10:19

@Bridecilla

Is he solely responsible for dc for 2 hours then doing drop off (and pick up?) then going to work while you get 2 hours uninterrupted wfh time and all day uninterrupted wfh time?

If so then I really don't think it would hurt you to muck in a bit. I used to love getting ds ready as thatbwas a bit of fun / singing / cuddle time before he went off to nursery.

Where on earth do you get the idea that OP doesn't muck in? It's perfectly obvious that she does.

OP, YANBU. If you keep bailing him out when he's being feckless you'll end up having to take over.

JillofTrades · 19/11/2020 10:21

Yanbu at all. Ridiculous that a grown man takes 2 hours to get himself and a child ready. He should be thoroughly embarrassed for that alone. At least now he knows that he needs to step up and be an adult.

Billben · 19/11/2020 10:27

I’m sure some people are deliberately missing the point here. He is a fully functioning adult. Why should OP be constantly stepping in to help him out (sometimes at her inconvenience such as this morning) just because he can’t get his arse into gear? What would happen if OP (God forbid) dropped dead tomorrow? He would have to manage then, wouldn’t he?

dottiedodah · 19/11/2020 10:28

Agree on ADHD .I think YANBU but as he is in a new job ,may have been wise to give him a lift .However I agree that he should be learning to drive when he can TBH.

Billben · 19/11/2020 10:28

@Bridecilla

Is he solely responsible for dc for 2 hours then doing drop off (and pick up?) then going to work while you get 2 hours uninterrupted wfh time and all day uninterrupted wfh time?

If so then I really don't think it would hurt you to muck in a bit. I used to love getting ds ready as thatbwas a bit of fun / singing / cuddle time before he went off to nursery.

What on earth are you on about? Try re-reading the thread again.
BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 10:32

This is one of those issues that make me wonder why people post them on the internet.

It's up to you whether you want to help out or not. Perhaps he faffs about perhaps he doesn't, perhaps he struggles perhaps he doesn't, Perhaps he's sitting watching telly, perhaps he isn't. None of us are there. Perhaps he's phoning the other woman, perhaps he isn't. Maybe he was abducted by aliens and returned just in time. Only you know, do you really want to consider what a load of people who don't know you say as a way forward in your relationship?

TonMoulin · 19/11/2020 10:38

If it had been the other way aorund and a woman was late/had to rush to take dc to nursrey and arrive at work, it would have been expected from her that she was an adult and responsible of her own organisation.
There would have been NO discussion at all about her dh stopping work to take her to work. He as at work, even if it was wfh.

I am not sure why we even ask the question when its a man who is not irganised and and is unable to make it on time wo rushing.

Fwiw, if there had been an incicent in the morning, something had happened to make him late and this was CLEARLY a one off, I aree with some PP that helping him and taking to work wouod have been nice and the right thing to do. If you are not helping ecah other out within tge family, what sort of family are you? BUT this doesnt mean that women should be always there to pick up the pieces and solve all the issues their partner have, even when they are self inflicted. Which is the case here. M

Glitterblue · 19/11/2020 10:41

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Confused

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

This.
TonMoulin · 19/11/2020 10:42

re ADHD, im wondering how the many women who have ADHD are coping with arriving on time with a dc in tow.
I don;t know. It might be harder (well Im sure it is harder for them!) but I'm also pretty sure they will have developped coping mechanisms for it. I also very much doubt that they are relying on their partner to take them here, there and everywhere because they cat be ready on time.

So I am not sure why an POSSIBLE (aka internet 'diagnosed') ADHD has any significance there. If he, indeed, has ADHD, then he needs to learn coping strategies. Not rely on the OP.

Grenlei · 19/11/2020 10:42

Depends how far it is to the nursery - I know you say nursery is 5 mins from his work, but not the house-nursery distance. Anything more than 10-15 mins I would have dropped him in the car, makes life easier all round. It would only take 5 mins and you've spent that much time on here so it's clearly not like you couldn't take a short break from work. It's raining here too, I wouldn't want to push my child in the rain for 15+ mins if I could go by car.

As for the pp who described the car being a reward Hmm. That really isn't a normal way to view things in a mutually supportive relationship. My Ex used to use language like that; when I didn't drive and he did, if he felt I'd not behaved well enough as a partner/ mother, he would refuse to reward me by taking me anywhere in the car. He was an abusive twat I am well rid of.

TonMoulin · 19/11/2020 10:43

@Glitterblue, probably because helping is normal. But having someone relying on you EVERY time is being taken for granted (and a mug tbh)

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 10:43

Its not clear from the post whether he actually asked for help and she refused or if the poster is simply trying to make herself feel better because for some reason she feels she should have jumped in.

diddl · 19/11/2020 10:44

What sort of journey is it for him if you don't drive him?

If it's not to bad a journey then I can see how you would rather take him say because the weather is shit than because he can't get his arse into gear.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/11/2020 10:46

You didn't want to help your husband, fine. Don't use work as an excuse though OP, eh?

If I were busy working I wouldn't be on a chatboard stewing on something so absolutely trivial. I also wouldn't be letting the other partner have to rush around for a new job just.to.make.a.point. We'd have a conversation about it later possibly.

As you said, you wanted to 'work' instead. It's exactly as ElizaDee says - transactional. I personally wouldn't want that.

cheesecake864 · 19/11/2020 10:47

I am a mum who doesn't drive and takes me ages to get ready and I work full time.

I have never expected my dh to take me places but he often does because he loves me and loves our family and he doesn't understand why he wouldn't do something if it helps.

Mornings are team work, I get 2 children ready for school, sort out breakfast and uniforms and he does packed lunches and takes them to school.

I think my DH loves me and we both help each other because we can not because we have to

LittleMissLockdown · 19/11/2020 10:47

As for the pp who described the car being a reward hmm. That really isn't a normal way to view things in a mutually supportive relationship.

But in this instance it would have been a reward for his lack of organisation.

Had the OP driven him, he wouldn't have, had to do the nursery drop off, he wouldn't have gotten wet if it was raining, he wouldn't of had to walk. Basically he would have benefitted greatly for his disorganisation.

In return for his disorganisation the OP would have had to stop working, do the nursery drop off and take him to work. Who is that situation benefitting because it clearly isn't the OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/11/2020 10:48

What you don't say is how far it is to nursery. But it's clearly walkable.

I think for a one-off special occasion or a last-minute disaster, giving a lift would be kind - if you're available, which depends on your work. So the only reason I'm wavering here is that it was his first day at the new job, which could be considered special. But, he should have arranged his special lift with you in advance. (And what are the chances he'd have been late for that, kept you waiting and still have been late / only just on time?)

Medical explanations aside, there are plenty of people who behave the way he does because they're faffers, procrastinators, underestimate how long things take, strategically incompetent / resentful at having to do the nursery drop-off, or just poor at time-management.

He needs to adjust his ideas about time and recognise what his real 'leaving the house' deadline is, then work back from there, making sure he allocates realistic timings to each task. He needs timed milestones, not just the final deadline.

He may well be like many people I know, who sit around, relaxed and complacent, chatting and playing over breakfast time, feeling like they have all the time in the world, until the point at which they suddenly snap into action and go into a mad rush to get out the door - always too late, because they think they can do 20 minutes worth of getting ready in the last five minutes.

As for I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families I would say that his expecting you to drop everything and rescue him, without any prior warning or arrangement, would be extremely selfish, yes.

The car thing is odd though. It's a family car that benefits all members of the family, so why is it not a family expense? Do you think he'd refuse to pay for it? Even though it benefits his wife and his child? That's your implication. Or that he'd start to demand that you chauffer him round like a taxi service? There's something really off there, about his and/or your ideas of family, sharing and caring.

If it was your own two-seater sports car, that didn't take a child seat and you used only for your own fun, fair enough. It isn't though.

Do you find yourself buying nice things for your child out of your own money, to avoid having to justify 'frivolous' expenditure to him? That's a really slippery slope towards you being the 'baby mama', him a single and relatively much better off man, who just happens to live with you. With the car, you're already part way down that slope.

SewingBeeAddict · 19/11/2020 10:48

[quote dontdisturbmenow]@ElizaDeee, totally agree with you. This is exactly why resentment builds up in relationships. Every action is counted, scored and used against the other.

I'm a bit confused about the 2h. What does he do during this and what do you do?[/quote]
Oh dear god!
Its not transactional to expect your life partner to function as an adult and be able to work out how to get to places on time.
Jaysus what low standards you have Confused

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.