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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have not helped DH out?

212 replies

Mylittlesandwich · 19/11/2020 09:01

I'll try and keep this short.

DH has always struggled to get DS (almost 1) ready on time. He gave himself 2 hours and was still running late this morning.

DH can't drive.

He has recently started a new job, our shifts today meant he would have to drop DS to nursery and then go to work, work being a 5 min walk from nursery.

Was I unreasonable to not take a break from working at home to drive them both down and then come back? He will have just made it with the time he left but will have been rushing.

I'm just fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time.

OP posts:
frogcakefarmersunion · 19/11/2020 11:45

My dh always helps me. We both get the kids ready in the morning. I drive so that's not an issue. But I know he would've helped if he could.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 11:49

I just think it a bit odd that you're complaining about your husband taking ages to get ready but still getting to nursery on time without asking for a lift.

As for he other occaissions, perhaps a word with him about what's holding him up. My OH would take ages when the girls were little mainly because in the middle of getting them ready he'd start playing with them.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 19/11/2020 11:50

We have a partnership, if it was a rare, beyond his control kind of thing, then yes, I'd skip out of the work (that I'm doing to be paid) to give him a lift. Of course I would.

If it's something that happens every day because he doesn't get his arse in gear, then no. He can be late.

I get me and 2 kids, with packed lunches, perhaps some leftover homework, and we all eat breakfast, and I'll probably manage to do the dishwasher in the 1 hour from when my alarm goes off to when we have to leave the house. When they were babies, if anything, it was easier (except for the inevitable dirty nappy when you're already running late). He needs to pack the night before or something if he can't get him and one small baby out the door in 2 hours.

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 11:56

You’re working so would expect lifts only to be given in emergencies (hospital, bust water pipe, sprained foot). You need to do your work to finish on time for childcare purposes and it’s reasonable to leave him to coordinate mornings independently.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 19/11/2020 12:00

I think YAB a bit U but it depends on what he was also doing during that time. I wake up at 5am most days and I only have to leave for 8am. I allocate 45 mins to getting myself washed, dressed, makeup on etc. Then spend around 1-1.5 hours cleaning living room and kitchen before DC wake and getting lunches and bags ready. Then I wake DC and get them fed and changed. So whilst DP probably thinks I’ve spent 3 hours on just getting ready I’ve actually done loads during that time. I don’t drive (failed test for second time just before this lockdown) and DP runs a business so sometimes works from home and I always appreciate it if he can take DC to school on these days especially in winter as it’s an hours round trip for me and when I get home I have to start working straight away.

DumplingsAndStew · 19/11/2020 12:00

So he hasn't a problem with being late other than when responsible for your DS?

Can you encourage him to make a list of everything that needs done, how much time it will take and how much leeway he needs? Sounds like he is misunderstanding how much time he needs to do the things that DS needs.

GabsAlot · 19/11/2020 12:02

hes a grown adult tell him to sort it out

women wouldnt be constantly late for drop off so he can do it aswell

lyralalala · 19/11/2020 12:02

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Yes they would, lyralalala, exactly that - they would be pillorying the husband. There are very many examples of double-standards on this board but what it boils down to is that OP didn't want to, so didn't.

Why would anybody think to post to gloat about it though?

No they wouldn't. They'd be far more likely to post having a go at the woman because they'd managed to get five kids ready while working at the same time and doing shopping for several elderly neighbours.

It's another example of a woman's job being seen as unimportant.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/11/2020 12:02

'really struggle getting DS ready in the morning, I'm rushing round trying to get myself dressed, him dressed, pack his bag and mine, wash up and all the other jobs there always are to do in the house, meanwhile DH is in his study working the whole time. This morning I don't know how but I took 2 hours to get us both ready and leave the house.

But we don't know if this is comparable.

Does the OP's DH do 'the washing up and all the other jobs' or does he only get himself and the DC ready?

In your example you've said 'this morning I don't know how but this morning it took me two hours' - the I don't know how but this morning suggests it was a one off.

If a woman posted to say that it takes her two hours to get two of them ready but she always ends up not being ready in time and therefore expects her DH to stop working to take her to work, then I'm not sure the responses would be any different.

DryRoastPeanut · 19/11/2020 12:05

He. (DH) will never learn how to manage his time if he has a wife who is willing to bail him out everytime he screws up. He needs to learn better time management, the best way is for him to be late and feel bad himself a few times!

Leave him to it! You’re not his mum.

Zoolally · 19/11/2020 12:07

Did your dh actually ask for a lift?

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 19/11/2020 12:10

DP runs a business so sometimes works from home and I always appreciate it if he can take DC to school on these days especially in winter as it’s an hours round trip for me and when I get home I have to start working straight away.

This is different though - in your situation, if it was DP spending an hour walking, or me taking 10 mins in the car, then I'd drive (and I'd expect him to drive the kids if it was reversed - unless I fancied the walk, or if one of us had an important meeting) - that's efficient use of the pool of available family time.

But yes, I agree with others - the big question is, is it taking 2 hours because he's sitting for 1.5 hours having a coffee and watching youtube, or is it because he's struggling to organise, or because he's trying to clean the house from top to bottom as well - because there's different solutions for each (and I don't think OP giving the lift, if this is happening every day is the solution at all - not if it's a short walk that's on the way to her partner's work anyway)

alphasox · 19/11/2020 12:11

He needs to learn to speed up. Don't mother him. Geez I can get three kids including a baby out of the house in 45 minutes if I need to on a school day. what is he doing?

ILikeTrains · 19/11/2020 12:15

Tbh yes, if it was just nipping out in the car I would definitely do that for my husband and kids.

But, your husband really ought to learn to drive assuming there's no reason why he can't.

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/11/2020 12:17

Your DH needs to learn to prioritise. Priorities are getting child fed, getting child dressed, packing up anything child needs for nursery (or wherever they're going). Other things are of less importance and should be left/ignored until the main deal is done.

I don't drive either and I have always been able to get DS out of the house and to school, even when school was 50 minutes away. DH worked 60 miles away and started out before 6:00 am, so after that I was completely on my own and HAD to manage. If he was home for some reason (rare but did happen) he would occasionally do something helpful and I knew he would step in if there was an issue, but mainly I just got on with it myself because I had to. Mostly things did go smoothly because I had a routine that I stuck to and a contingency plan for when things didn't.

On the grounds that his getting to nursery on time was actually achievable, he just wasn't particularly early, YANBU. He needs to sort out a routine for himself and plan for it, working back in time. So if he needs to be at work for 9am, he should be leaving nursery at 8:55 at the latest, to be at nursery he needs to be leaving the house at whatever time, DS needs to be shod/coat on by whatever time; working back through the process and allowing so many minutes for each task, including a safety margin for things like unexpected nappy/cothes changes. Using the timer and alarm fuctions on phone is helpful.

I would only be hoping for a lift if things had gone terribly wrong and there was significant risk of being noticeably late for work (ie more than a couple of minutes). Otherwise, he just has to crack on. I'm sure he could rely on your offering to drive him if it was an emergency, but in ordinary times? Nope. Just get on with it.

Rae36 · 19/11/2020 12:21

If it was his job to get ds to nursery this morning then he should have managed his time better. I wouldn't have stopped work to do his job for him just because he didn't get organised on time.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 19/11/2020 12:25

Let’s really turn this around.

What if OP can’t get herself ready and out the door in time to pick up DS from nursery at the relevant time.

For those who think she’s unreasonable, I assume then that it would be perfectly reasonable for her to expect her DH to leave work to do pick up (since he’s only 5 minutes away and clearly people have no bother with someone leaving their work during working hours to do this)?

They should be working as a team after all.

The OP clearly shouldn’t be expected to uphold her end of the bargain when her DH is conveniently 5 minutes away and can OBVIOUSLY leave work to do this as part of their time and to make things easier for OP.

Would that be reasonable?

Yeah.... I didn’t think so.

badacorn · 19/11/2020 12:30

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Confused

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

In my marriage, I am the one running late from time to time. My DH is patient and helps/waits. However, if I was running late in the morning, I would NEVER expect him to make himself late for his own job for my sake. That would be so selfish of me! It goes both ways.
BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 12:30

If a woman posted to say that it takes her two hours to get two of them ready but she always ends up not being ready in time and therefore expects her DH to stop working to take her to work, then I'm not sure the responses would be any different.

He was ready in time (they weren't late)
Doesn't say he actually asked for a lift and she didn't stop work so presumably he actually managed to get there in time himself.

I am taking these all on board, I have possibly become slightly resentful of being a taxi driver which may have impacted my decision this morning.

I think this may be your main point and I suspect as the only driving parent its only going to get worse. As DS grows you'll find yourself as taxi driver more and more.

BiBabbles · 19/11/2020 12:36

I'm also wondering if he asked and if he has been asking a lot.

If he didn't, but you felt like you should when you heard him rushing out, then I'd just leave it and try not to feel guilty.

The fed up of always having to drive him here and there because he can't get out the door on time. makes me think he might be asking a lot, and in that case, I would probably want to discuss what could be done so he doesn't need to do that - anything in the house or something that could make things easier.

I've had times of needing my spouse's help for what many could see as ridiculously simple things. He supported me while we figured it out. I've done the same for him and we both do it with our teen son. Sometimes kindness and tweaks just makes life work better regardless of what we "should" be able to do, but if this is causing resentment then something needs to change.

ILikeTrains · 19/11/2020 12:37

It's not a comparable situation ConstantlySeekingHappiness.

If her DH was working from home and could drive and the op wasn't ready in time for the afternoon school run, then would she feel aggrieved if he didn't offer to give her a lift?

He needs to learn to drive or the op is just going to end up feeling resentful that she has to do all the running around.

titchy · 19/11/2020 12:37

@ElizaDeee

I will never get over the sheer selfishness that posters on here show towards their own families 😲

If you can make life easier or show a little bit of kindness to the person you proclaim to love and share your life with, you would, wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Confused

Why does everything have to be transactional on here??

Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke...
lottiegarbanzo · 19/11/2020 12:39

Taxi drivers get paid. You, alone, are paying for the pleasure of playing the taxi driver. That is odd. There's a money issue here, as well as a time issue.

BigFatLiar · 19/11/2020 12:41

Funny how it's always the woman that gets castigated for not 'helping the family out'. Never the bloke...

If it was the other way around and him not helping out we'd all be saying that she should leave the selfish B.

relievedlady · 19/11/2020 12:43

My dd 15 is the same Hmm

Gets up at 6 am to have a shower and breakfast then disappears into a hole until I'm calling her to come down to do her teeth and get her lunch and drink from the fridge literally minutes before the school bus pulls up outside Hmm

I've told her I'm kicking her out of the house five mins before the bus is due every morning now and what she doesn't have ready is tough Grin

If it makes you feel better op I wouldn't have given him a lift either.
He had two hours to get sorted and your working.
If you wernt working from home he would have had to sort his shit out.

He's an equal parent not another dependent.

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