To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

Do they know you are looking into your family tree?

I wouldn’t say anything. Why bring it up? It could be really painful for them.

It's their business. You could be opening up all sorts of old wounds and creating great upset if you tell them you know.

Why would you?

I would not mention it. Yes they are your parents but afraid it doesn't give you the right to know absolutely everything about them if it is something they have chosen not to tell you. That privacy needs to be respected in my opinion.

Say nothing. If they wanted to know they would have told you.

No, what's the point? What are you hoping to achieve? If they wanted you to know, they'd have told you

Although I can see why you'd want to discuss this with them, I agree with your dh. You're in your 40s - they've had a long time to broach the subject if they wanted to.

I wouldn't say anything. From personal experience I'd say that if they wanted to tell you then they would have.

I wouldn’t tell them. They have chosen not to tell you for whatever reason but I promise you, it isn’t because they have forgotten what happened.

Just make sure they know you are researching the family tree and leave it open and up to them to say something.

Why would you??

No I wouldn’t. My Dh had a similar thing after his father died. He was going through some paperwork and found a birth certificate for another child. He’s not said a word. It will be a painful memory for them.

You simply don't know the circumstances around the loss or what kind of painful memories you might dredge up. I would leave it well alone.

I agree with your dh. They have had plenty of time to bring it up if they wanted to share that with you. I'm not sure what kind of response you'd be looking from them anyway, the way you've written your op, it sounds like you've caught them on a gotcha.

Agreed say nothing. My dc don't know that I lost babies before them because I don't want them to feel.like the replacement children. Of course they aren't but this would be my concern. Don't bring it up.

I would not mention it at all.

They know I am researching family history. I have turned up quite a lot of stuff so far so they may have seen this coming.

My elder sister once mentioned this to me about 25 years ago but I was in my teens and didn't think much of it. Not sure how she knew.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

Why tell them and bring it up?

A lot of us wouldn't be here today if our mother's hadn't had miscarriages or stilbirths.

Do you feel strongly you should bring it up? It's not obvious to me why you should unless you're really struggling with it?

There are always a million what-if scenarios you can imagine in which you might never have been born. What if my parents had fallen pregnant the month before the month in which they happened to conceive me etc. I wouldn't spend much time angsting over this one.

@upbowcreek

They know I am researching family history. I have turned up quite a lot of stuff so far so they may have seen this coming.

My elder sister once mentioned this to me about 25 years ago but I was in my teens and didn't think much of it. Not sure how she knew.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

The way stillbirths and neonatal deaths were viewed a generation or more ago was very different to how it is now.

Possibly your mum tried to start the conversation by saying early on and didn’t consider your reaction or response one that left her wanting to continue the conversation. It could be that by early, she just meant either slightly premature or early on in the baby’s life. It’s her terminology to use as she finds comforting - and perhaps she has told herself the baby was too early to live and that’s how she has coped.

I wouldn't say anything, they must have had a very painful time, if they didn't choose to tell you I would respect that. This is their past to share.

@fourteafallout

That's a bit harsh. Of course it's not like catching them on a gotcha. It's just that we otherwise have an open and honest relationship, and the idea of them not knowing that I know feels wrong somehow. Almost like spying.

But it was early on in her marriage. She probably thinks you know if she said that.

[quote upbowcreek]@fourteafallout

That's a bit harsh. Of course it's not like catching them on a gotcha. It's just that we otherwise have an open and honest relationship, and the idea of them not knowing that I know feels wrong somehow. Almost like spying.[/quote]
Perhaps they feel you have been spying by doing family history but if they wanted you to know, they would have explicitly told you and that goes double for the fact they must know you are likely to discover the truth.

But she still told you op. She may of not said it was later on so as to spare you feeling sorry and upset for your mum.

It's a horrific thing to think of that someone goes through that, even worse when it's someone you love dearly.